Here's My Sign

It's Friday!!! It's B&M day!!! Bitchin' and moanin' like the champ I am.

This week I had issues. Issues that continuously reminded me of my ever-growing arse. I have accepted the fact that I will never be a size six again. I am 43. And a grandmother. Grandmas are supposed to be chubby and jovial and bake cookies and have a spotless house. I am clinging to the chubby jovial description. Mrs. Santa Claus is jovial and chubby and very classy in my opinion. And we redheads always go white and not grey. Doubts? Haven't you seen Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Now, thanks to Krista, I have an awesome apron, and totally fit the bill. Now where can I buy class?

Anyway, back to my issues, I saw myself as I really look. Not what I think I look like when I look down and close my eyes, but what I see in my full length mirror. Naked. How my front pokes out as much as my back. And I as stated earlier, Baby's got back. Lots of back. And now Baby's got front. So much front that while sitting, I realized that somehow I had missed exactly when it was I lost my lap. My front now sits on my thighs. I am now a double sitter. A sitter squared. I sit on my fat backside and my belly sits on my thighs.

We moved into our new home last December. Two weeks before Christmas. Moving and Christmas shopping don't mix well, so instead of spending money on fine window coverings, I bought gifts for my kids. All 8 of them. And if they were married, their spouses. And their kids. So my master bath big window over the tub got Target window coverings. Just for now. That was 10 months ago. Target curtains still up. Target curtains that are thinner than I thought.

While outside one evening, I glanced in my bathroom while the light was on. I admired my new old piece filled with all my chotskies and my new fake but real-looking ferns. Smiling, about to pat myself on the back when it struck me. I can see inside my windows. Everything. That means all the cars that have driven by our house for ten months have also seen everything at night while the lights are on.

They have seen me take a bath. They have seen me shower. They have seen me brush my teeth and scratch my boobs when I take off my bra. They have seen us do the nekkid pretzel.
So, I am overweight, a Peep Show girl, as well as a porn star now.

As I leave for work, I decide I will start walking. It's cool now and maybe I won't die. A little sweat won't kill me. I have made a decision. I will be a walker. I will get new shoes. I will do it. Starting Sunday. It's the first day of the week. It will be easier to track that way. That is how all the athletic fanatics do it. Or so I have heard.

I merge onto the highway and right in front of me is this pokey white truck with flashing yellow lights. Traffic is bumper to bumper and I cannot change lanes. I slow down and back off the white truck. There in all it's glory is my sign. WIDE LOAD. And I was stuck behind him. For 6 miles.

I am walking tonight. Right after I go buy a new lined master bath window treatment. I am feelin' lucky.