Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I Will Never Eat At Pam's House

This is a true story. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty innocent.

The week had been the hardest Pam had had in a very long time. Keeping children at her home had gotten the best of her. The remodeling of her home had caused the chaos to overwhelm her. She was exhausted physically as well as mentally. She needed a break.

She called her husband as he left the office to ask if they could go out for dinner. He informed her the budget wouldn't allow it. "Don't we have chicken or something in the freezer?"

She hung up the phone and the rage began to rise, first in her stomach, then in her throat. She jerked the freezer door opened and pulled the chicken out. The innocent frozen bird found itself in the clutches of a mad white woman.

The first smash of the bird against the counter was deafening and brought little peace to Pam. The second and third swing began to calm her some as tiny shards of frozen chicken began to become airborne. As she slammed the meat repeatedly, pieces of the victim stuck to the walls and windows and chunks landed with thuds bringing a calmness to Pam that she hadn't felt in weeks.

When nothing was left of the poor chicken, Pam raised her head and looked around. Her kitchen resembled an explosion aftermath. As she slowly glanced around the room to see the remnants of her rage, her eyes fell on the clock that hung on the wall over the table. Her stingy uncaring husband would be home in 25 minutes. The fit she threw had taken 12 minutes. Twelve minutes to totally dismember a frozen 2.2 pound clucker. She now believed she really could lift a car off a child if someone made her angry.

She smoothed her hair down after wiping the ice and shredded chicken parts off her hands and reached for the stainless pot inside the cabinet. Salmonella dripped from every inch of her large country kitchen, but she didn't seem to mind.

She began to hum as she gathered all the shards and placed them delicately into the pot, not bothering to wipe them off, and walked towards the sink. She looked down at her progress and smiled as the pot was almost half full of dirty chunks. The water was coming to a boil as that frugal man she married 17 years earlier walked through the door. She had already started two side dishes as came up to her to kiss her hello, just like he had every day he came home.

He didn't notice she didn't touch the meat as they ate together in silence. Her selflessness just allowed more for him. They smiled at one another, hers lasting just a bit longer than usual.
***********************************************************************************

I love "Pam" and want to thank her for great fodder and for allowing me to share it with the world. We are calling for pizza next time I visit, just FYI.

41 comments:

Ronda's Rants said...

Oh Sweet Jesus...I stopped eating meat awhile ago...I'll stick with the side dishes! :)
I just love Pam!

Sass said...

Visiting from The Mom Jen...

This was hilarious!!! And sadly...I could relate. ;)

Beth said...

I'm sure I could relate if only I cooked.

This reminds me that I need to go bow at the feet of my husband who is an awesome cook. We'd either starve or sustain ourselves on cereal without him.

♥georgie♥ said...

LMAO!!!! Do I know 'Pam'?

Kristen Hermanny said...

I am glad I left Mr. Stingy and married someone meatier!!! LOL!

Denise said...

Those are the nights dedicated to Oscar Meyer B-O-L-O-G-N-A in my house... although I'm convinced tantrums ARE therapeutic.

Bee and Rose said...

I love that story! I feel like that every night at 5:00!

Megryansmom said...

Well scrap the chicken I planned for tonight's dinner, pizza it is LOL.

Rhonda said...

Pam is my hero!!!

Tony@ That One Paticular Harbor said...

Jill Jill thanks for sharing that bit of hilarity. Don't we get to that point once and a while? A the chef of our home - I constantly get zero as to what they want for dinner. It kills me. I figure fine eat scalloped cardboard with outdated juice.

Mrs Cooper said...

ROFLMAO. I know exactly how Pam feels.

Annie said...

Let's get Pam out of that house for a drink or 5 soon!

Jenni Jiggety said...

Kitchen Rage...happens all the time from what I hear! That's why I stay out of there...

Swirl Girl said...

My alter -ego is named Dianne. And she is just pissed off too.

Lynnette Labelle said...

LOL Too funny.

Lynnette Labelle
http://lynnettelabelle.blogspot.com

Eudae-Mamia said...

Oh, the cross contamination horror!

I bet that bird was mighty tender though.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

HA!!!!

Dawn said...

Hmm... I just joined the Y to relieve stress. You mean I could have just beaten the hell out of a frozen chicken instead?!?!

Go Pam!!

The Lucky Mrs. T said...

I haven't laughed this hard all week.

Men should beware the woman who won't eat her own cooking....

Too funny!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Sounds like fun to me! Pam's husband still didn't get it???

Julie said...

Oh my God. You ate frozen cock off the walls.

Like, who hasn't done that?

Ginger said...

Thats pretty funny. I've felt like doing that quite a few times but I would be the one cleaning up the mess, so I don't. I hate it when I ask, what do you want for dinner and I get "I don't care" well, I don't care either so I guess it's a sandwich.

Nicole said...

LMAO I have felt that very anger before! Lazy ass no good husbands. Why dont they ever cook dinner?????

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

I'm loving some Pam! And thanks for the great stress-relieving idea & payback!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

lol too funny! Remind me not to make Pam mad!

Kritta22 said...

Oh Pam and I could be great friends!

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

Does Pam live in Midland?

dana said...

I love Pam. The kind you spray on your pan before putting the meat in that you just slid around the kitchen floor......SWIFFER? Ha! Raw meat does wonders.

Debbie said...

Oh mercy. Don't give that woman a meat cleaver.

♥georgie♥ said...

hey apple dumplin i left you something over my place

Justine/Justiney/Tiney said...

Oh no way. No she di'n't!!!!!!!!!!!! that is too damn funny!
I really thought you were Pam though.

Justine :o )

nikkicrumpet said...

I think it is utterly uneccessary to abuse a poor innocent chicken in that manner. It's bad enough the poor fowl is dead...it doesn't need to be beaten like a useless piece of meat too! We're having civilized chicken for dinner. And tell Pam next time to unthaw it first...it's much more satisfiying to smash up a gooey one.

tamilyn said...

ROTFLMAO

I want to unleash my inner "Pam" once in awhile!!

Hope Pam is feeling sane soon :)

Deb said...

Jill,

Thanks for a much needed laugh.

Soxy Deb said...

Unless I'm reading too much between the lines there, I'll be eating lots of pizza during the October sleepover.
See if they have a "frequent flyer" discount program at your Domino's please.

Anonymous said...

車燈現在大家都改為白光款了。

Threeundertwo said...

Good for Pam. I felt better just reading this.

Karyn said...

Did you ever see Prince of Tides with Babs Steisand and Nick Nolte?
Nolte's mom served warmed up canned Alpo dog food with onions and poopy husband loved it.
Thanks for the laugh! My husband sleeps with one eye open around here!

binks said...

Hoping Pam got all her frustrations out.
I will have to take notice the next time Salty cooks dinner. When it is my turn to cook, I usually serve the Cap'n.
Cap'n Crunch - dinner of champions (and lazy fatasses)

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

OMG That is funny! I hope "Pam" feels better! That was a crack up!

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