Thursday, July 24, 2008

don't 'cha just hate it?

Don't 'cha hate it when you go to get gas and with 5000 things on your mind, are trying to deal with 3 kids, 11-15, who won't shut the F up and quit arguing and calling names and you hear the click of the pump finishing fueling up your vehicle and you get out and get your receipt and then get back in the car and drive off...until you hear the giant RIP of the nozzle you forgot to take out of your gas tank? yeah, me, too.

Don't 'cha just hate it when you finally drop the screaming fighting spawns of satan off and drive to work and trying to calm down begin to listen to the oldies station and Elton John and KiKi Dee come on and you sooooo want to sing KiKi's part out loud, but the guy in the car next to you won't speed up or slow down and when you glance over to see if he's watching is already looking at you and thinks you like him and so you are forced to part your lips ever-so-slightly to eeek out "oooooo hooooo nobody knows it...nobody nooowhoos it" without moving them so he can't see you are singing to yourself? yeah, me,too.

Don't 'cha just hate it when you are in your car and are driving between 2 towns that have no f'n gas stations between the 2 and you have to pee so bad that you even turn the radio off so you can totally focus on NOT peeing in your pants and you even begin to hold yourself and accidentally speed up because when you try to stiffen your back to take any pressure off your bladder that you automatically press on the gas and almost rear-end the lady in front of you all while you are talking out loud and not really caring who sees you scream, "Come on MFrs I am going to wet all over myself! Get the F out of the way!" in a really high-pitched voice that could break glass? yeah, me,too.

Don't 'cha just hate it when you finally make it into the restroom where you have shoved 2 old people out of the way to open the door and rip your pants down that you had already started unbuttoning before you opened your car door and unleash the gush of urine which is more rewarding than any orgasm you have had since the night before only to brought back to reality when you open your eyes and raise your head off the back of your shoulders to see there is no F'n toilet paper and you sit and think to drip dry that gusher would take somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 minutes so you take off the F'n empty roll of cardboard and dab yourself so you won't smell like the urine-stenched patient you just saw? yeah, me,too

Don't 'cha just hate it when you come out of the bathroom after washing your hands for 7 solid minutes only to find that everyone in there must have heard you in there sigh really loudly once you released yourself because they are all looking and snickering and one says, "Damn, girl. Did you have to pee bad?" yeah, me. too. And yes, I did, thank you for asking.

16 comments:

amelia bedelia said...

You pulled a mama!!! Driving off with the gas thingy still in!! Ok, Sis, I am going to pick up on your having to pee story... I pulled over on a dirt road off the highway to pee, because my eyeballs were floating, thinking I am concealed, I pee in front of my car, no traffic, I stand up to pull up my pants and look around and the old man on his tractor, off in the field, has stopped cutting hay to watch me... I haven't mooned anyone since high school.

stalkermom said...

Ha ha! So many times I've been in the restroom and realized the toilet paper was empty, only to try and figure out what the heck I could wipe myself with!

Ronda's Rants said...

Okay...I just wet myself laughin' so hard! Too funny! Love your post!

At Home Redesigns said...

Funny....and, yea, I hate all that too!

Feliz said...

Yeah, me too!!!

At least you didn't sneeze while you were trying to hold it. That would have been game over!

As for my blog name...you may be shocked to find out that I have never actually wrangled a possum. I saw a dead one once, but I didn't wrangle it. Sorry to disappoint!

Just a little bit of word fun!

careysue said...

I do I do hate all of what you talked about!!!! I so used the empty toilet paper roll before...hahahaaha

I remember going to get an ultrasound 60 minutes away from my house and drinking water the whole way and half way there I'm dying and you're not supposed to pee and when you get there she says, "boy, you are full go into the bathroom and let out just a little."

Is she freaking crazy!

Pain baby pain!

You really bring up a lot of memories.

Sidney said...

You are hysterical! I can remember having to go so badly after a night of imbibing a bit too much with my then-husband, and pulling over under an underpass, finishing, and then having the spotlight of a POLICE CAR shine while I'm pulling up my pants...oh yeah...embarassing! Thankfully we knew the cop, but still.......

Brenda said...

OH! Love the look of your fancy new blog!
I'm a closet car singer too!

iMommy said...

So, I'm 6.5 months pregnant, and I sort of have to pee, but I keep sitting here with my laptop because the first "don't 'cha just hate it" is funny, and I don't want to interrupt myself. So I keep reading, and by the end, I am laughing hysterically, I've added you to my blogroll, shared the link with my husband, and nearly pissed my pants.

Well done! This one's a keeper!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

OH.MY.GOD. That is HI-LARIOUS! I did something a little similar yesterday only I ended up at the grocery store and whizzed past the line waiting for the women's and went straight into the mens lol.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

OKay the empty toilet roll made me laugh so hard...because YES I've done that! Those are all so good! LOL!

Kritta22 said...

What THE CRAP!!! I told you to vote for me, not play with me!! DOn't you listen!!
You better have voted for me punk!!

Oh shucks I still heart you!

Kritta22 said...

Alright I just saw you voted for me. You are on my good list again, Sista!! :)
Seriously is this all in one day??!

binks said...

That was freakin' hilarious, although a little too close to home.

Because yours truly was the funniest (and I couldn't vote for myself and look like a loser)
I totally voted for you.

binks said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
binks said...

Sorry - my computer is being a major biatch today and I double posted.
Oops!