Glamour Shots

Since we are all laughing at Amelia Bedelia's cherry pie incident, let me, her older sister, add to her embarrassment by telling you the story about her Glamour Shot experience.

About 15 yrs ago, when Glamour Shots were THE thing to do, Amy called and asked me to go with her to watch her boys while she had the pictures taken. We arrived at the local motel, which should have been my first hint of the quality of pictures.

Her boys at the time were 5 and 4 and unmedicated so I spent the entire time in the parking lot of said motel trying to keep them from entering random rooms, or knocking on doors and running away, while Amy was getting "glamourized".

I had corralled the boys to the area of the room where the magic was happening, and turned for a split second when I heard a mountain lion scream come Chris, the oldest spawn. Turning to the direction of the scream, I see before me Chris atop the window unit of the "Magic Room" where Amy was being transformed, with his face pressed up the window, his little hands placed on the sides of his face to better his view.

He whirls around and yells,

"She's nekkid! Mom's nekkid!!" His little head falls back and he belly laughs like it's the funniest thing he's ever seen.

I pull him off the AC unit and say, "Chris, she has to change clothes and be beautiful for the pictures."

"No, they were taking pictures of her nekkid."

ooookaaaaaaaaaaay. What am I supposed to say to that?

"No they weren't, baby. They are professionals. They don't do nudies, silly," praying that she really wasn't in there doing Penthouse centerfold layouts.

I loaded the boys into the car and waited impatiently for her emerge from the Den of Iniquity.

She comes out, totally disheveled, with her hair in this GIANT poof of a ponytail and makeup smeared all across her face.

Oh my GOD! I thought, they really DID porno stuff to my little sister and she apparently has been molested beyond my wildest nightmare.

"What the hell?" I asked when she slammed the car door. "Were you R-A-P-E-D?" trying to protect her babies from the obvious horrid truth.

"What?! Why do you think that?"

"I saw you nekkid, mom," says Chris, and he begins to giggle again.

I filled her in on what happened and she assured us all that no pictures of her nude were taken. So I made her promise not to open the pix when they arrived at her house until I could be there to ensure her virtue was still intact.

So, 3 weeks later she calls.

"The pictures are here. Hurry up."

We pull the photo out of the cardboard envelope slowly, slowly......and as the entire image emerges, Amy and I scream at the top of our lungs.

She is standing in her kitchen holding the picture with her mouth wide open and I am on the floor, having fallen to my knees in shear hysteria. It takes me a while to catch my breath and regain the feeling in my legs after the oxygen had been cut off due to my laughter.

I snatch the picture out of her hands and look with intensity at my sister's picture.

Before me was this HUMONGOUS head of red curls taking up the entire circumference of the photo that would make any Texan debutante jealous.

"I look like the freakin' Lion King!"

Her upper lips were actual TRIANGLES painted in bright red, and her blush and eye shadow were apparently applied with a trowel, all being in jewel tone family, which matched her TEAL boa.

"Holy shit! Did you pay for these?"

We laughed and looked at it over and over, getting more and more hysterical.

"We have to show mom," I say, wanting to share this joy with those we loved the most.

There was dead silence, and the smile that seemed permanently pasted on Amy's face was suddenly gone.

"No one can know about this. NO ONE!!"

As much as I begged and pleaded, Amy was adamant that THE picture was never going to be seen again by anyone. I even added obvious lies, such as, "I think you look pretty," and "It's really not THAT bad," to get her to loosen the grip she now had on the envelope.

Years later, when mom was helping her move, she found THE picture that only had been discussed in whispers among the other sisters and mom, never including Amy, in hopes to save her the humiliation she feared.

Mom called me later, saying that she appreciated the preparation I had given her, which softened the blow when she slid it out of the envelope.

"I laughed til I cried," she said, "But Amy laughed with me. All is good."

"Where is the picture now?"

"I think she threw it away."

WHAT?! I was flabbergasted! Why would anyone throw away a guaranteed pee-your-pants laugh-a-thon that could, in and of itself, save the world from any sadness?!!?

Amy will never 'fess up to what really happened to THE picture, but I think it's somewhere hidden away in her house.

I'm going there to find it. If I leave now, I will be there at 3:30am. Wish me luck.