I Am Sucking Less Than Normal And Amazing Myself

As I stated earlier and actually followed through with (shocking, I know), I got a camera and took pictures of what my SS, Dawn, gave me for Christmas. The SECOND great gift she sent me. The first was a Sonic card, which I already used to purchase my crack-like addiction to their drinks; a set of darling note cards, and candy which my heathen daughter gave my perfect grandbabies as a bribe to keep them quiet at the store.

So, pictured below is the example of the PERFECT gift from the PERFECT Secret Santa.

Here you can see the tshirt that looks exceptionally cute with a long handle shirt underneath that disquises my jiggly wing-like upper arms.

I know you are green with envy.

Not about my arms, but about how cute this is, and that it's mine, not your's...

Now here is the picture of the jewelry. It's got bling, zebra print, a cross, and turquoise. It's a totally orgasmic combination for me.

 Okay I am done making you jealous.

Just cross your fingers that next year Dawn gets your name.

AND cross all fingers and toes that you don't get my name.

But if luck runs out and you do get my name, pray that I will actually be aware that your gift has arrived and I will blog about it prior to 3 weeks after Christmas.

Peace.

Dawn=Good, Jill=Bad

Okay I totally suck. TOTALLY.

My SS (who, by the way, is my real-life precious friend, Dawn) sent me another gift and seeing that it is only TWENTY days past Christmas and I just now am making reference to it, just proves how badly I suck.

My precious children did not mention I had a package in the entry hall until 11pm the night of the 26th when we were madly packing for our trip. So after I tore into it and screeched with delight, they felt bad they had robbed me of the joy that should have been mine like weeks earlier. (Have I mentioned I really am not digging my brats at this moment???)

Anywhoooo, drumroll please.........

Okay close your eyes and picture this because I still haven't found my damn camera. Only, don't really close your eyes because you can't read with your eyes closed....

Dawn sent me the absolutely CUTEST brown tshirt with a turquoise cross. I LOVE IT!!!! AND she sent me the most gorgeous turquoise necklace with the most AWESOME silver framed charm with zebra (my fave!!) background with a cross on it. I LOVE IT, TOO!!!!!!

Dawn, I cannot thank you enough for the best presents I received this year!!! I am so sorry that time has gotten away and I haven't blogged in forever and acknowledged how incredibly awesome you are and how much I truly love all you got me.

I am going to go buy a new camera and prove how lucky am!! Not now of course because it's way too early and I have to go work, but later tonight.

Y'all are going to be so damn jealous!!!!

I love you, Dawn!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!

My SS Rocks the Casbah

Dearest SS who is from Oklahoma and I love dearly,

Your GREAT gift was received 2 weeks ago. I apologize with all my heart for not posting pictures immediately upon arrival. The note cards are FABULOUS and the gift card to SONIC will be used daily for my addiction. The SPREES and TWIZZLERS, which are some of my favorite candy, were eaten by my perfect grandchildren because their mother, my not-so-perfect daughter, bribed them with it to be good at the grocery store without my knowledge.

My camera is gone, probably also used a bribe by my children who think my stuff is theirs. So I am unable to post cute pictures of me holding my wonderful gift and smiling my cheesey smile. Which, btw is a shame because in just a month I am now down to a triple zero and weigh 100 pounds, 30 of that being my boobs which magically grew to like a size GG....honest injun. But since I can't prove it with pictures, you will just have to trust me that I am so not lying just to get a laugh. I would never do that.....

Okay really, THANK YOU so very much for my gift. I LOVE it!!!!!

Pat Me On The Back- Hurry!!!

Work all week where you are surrounded by people who's average age is 81, then spend the weekend with college kids and try to figure where you fit in.

We celebrated Homecoming at the Nursing Home this week.
We:
Crowned Homecoming King and Queen
Played football
Danced
Tail gated
Drank near-beer (O'Dool's).

(Sorry no pix from the nursing home...ya know, legal issues about permission and blah blah blah. College kids are dumb and don't care if their picture is out there.)

We celebrated Homecoming at my son's college this weekend.
We:
Crowned Homecoming King and Queen
Played football
Danced
Tail gated
Drank REAL beer.

The DIFFERENCE between the crowds:
60 year age span
Perkier boobs.

SIMILARITIES:
Drooling
Catatonic stares
Excessive urination
Confusion
Laughter

I am proud to say:
The wheelchair races at the NH were uneventful, even though I was stuck having to push the heaviest ones and feared, if they put their feet down to stop at the finish line, my fat ass would be catapulted over their heads. Not one resident was dumped out, despite the idle threat I made to one. I really was just kidding........ Really....what????!!!!

I am even MORE proud to say:
I did not inflict any bodily injury to my son's ex who decided to show up for the party. I was even somewhat polite, not ending any sentence I said to her with the words "slut" or "whore".
I really am proud of myself.

So, all in all, this week was very successful for me. I did not lose my nursing license due to the fact no harm was done to people under my care. Nor did I go to jail for assault over the weekend. Basically, seven straight days of good clean fun. (Look----I am only inches from the "ex" that broke my baby's heart AND tried to pick a brawl with his older sister. She is an idiot, BTW.)

I am now looking forward to next week. We have a Halloween carnival on Friday where small children will attack us for candy and prizes at the NH, as well as costume party on Sat. at the local hang out. (Deb, it starts at eight. Be there or be square.)

Thank goodness I will be in disguise for both events. I can only contain myself for so long.

tap tap tap...Anybody out there???

(clears throat nervously) Hey...yoo hoo...it's me. You probably don't remember me. I was once a faithful blogger that believed spending 4-5 hours/day immersed in cyberspace with all my friends was beneficial to me. Then someone convinced me I should become a real mom/wife/employee instead.

So, for 5 months I tried the life of not checking emails or blogs and trying to be productive, like cooking and cleaning and working my dimpley ass off.

I realized that being productive is NOT what it's cracked up to be. It is so NOT fun for me.

I also have since realized that I missed laughing and just how much I have missed my friends.

Truth is, I just can't quit y'all.

So I am back.

Quick recap:
Got out of partnership.
Took a real job.
Finished the pool project and now only go inside to pee and sleep.
Tried that whole domestic crap and have made definite confirmation that I no likey.
Hooked up with Deb
Fell completely in love with her and am now leaving my husband for her.

Speaking of Deb, her last post was about the weekend we spent together. And even though she trashed my hostessing ability, we never stopped laughing except to swig a drink or two (or a hundred). Who needs to eat full meals anyway?? She is on this fat-free diet and I was just supporting it. So there.

Deb was my first "friend" doing this bloggy thing. It was the hatred of aggressive birds that bonded us together. Since that, we have bonded with our shared love of our grandchildren, idiotic children, do-it-yourself home repairs, and now the hole-in-the-wall bar.

I was sweating bullets thinking I was going to have to do the whole tour guide thing, taking her to museums, art displays, symphony productions, and all the other great activities Big D has to offer. When she mentioned she had no desire to do all that intellectual stimulating stuff, I cannot tell you how relieved I was. She was more than happy to just hang out at the misspelled local hangout Kountry Nites.

She was the Belle of the proverbial Ball at this home-away-from-home Dive (which just FYI used to be called Scandals). Her first night there, the bartenders and her were on a first name basis and she made them feel all important by ordering fancy smancy drinks like Lemon Drops and Chocolate Cake shots. She was able to show off her sharky pool moves and great dancing abilities, making me look like I hang out with extremely cool people.

My friends LOVED her and, even as we speak, she and Niki are, I am almost positive, texting each other. (Only because I never have a freakin' signal. Effing TMobile. I am sure they would totally not be leaving me out for any other reason...) There's nothing like having an entire gang of people you love laughing at and making fun of you. Seriously. It's so much fun. (Asses. All of you.)

We have already made plans to reunite ASAP and continue the badgering and poking, which after the first night they slammed me for being all "high-maintenance, snooty, prissy, graceful, etc., etc.", just became droning. They think they are hilarious though, and being the great friend I am, gave them all the ammunition they needed to have fun. Hell, if nothing else, I am accommodating.

I am so excited about getting back into the swing of blogging. I have missed you guys incredibly and cannot wait to catch up. Thank you so much for all the sweet comments about missing me. It makes my snooty prissy head all big.

And we all know here in Texas we like it big.

Drinks and Food, Anyone?

As all of you know, I have never been accused or mistaken for a Domestic Goddess. I cook only because my family needs nourishment. I CAN cook, I just hate to.

I have tried watching Paula and Rachel, but I just get hungry, never really motivated to cook. Krista gave me an apron which I look totally HOTT in, but doesn't make food magically appear on the table.

I have started baby-stepping to do more than the usual hot dogs, tacos and spaghetti. I have graduated to actually doing more than throwing the frozen skillet meal in the skillet. I have found this website that makes me look FABULOUS!!!!!

It has recipes, how-to's, places to save your favorites, so it's like your personal cookbook. It has recipes for CHOCOLATE MARTINIs and other boozy drinks!!!!!! Enough said.

The meals are easy and fast and really good. They don't make me sweat or my hair frizz while preparing them, so all is well. My husband has commented that he has more energy and my kids are now doing great in school. I have no idea what they are trying to tell me.

So head on over to myrecipes.com and be cool like me. And, no, they didn't pay anything to say this. I asked for a personal chef, but he hasn't arrived yet.When he gets here, I am almost postive he will use myrecipes.com, too. Because he is not only going to be a supermodel for underwear, he will also be extremely intelligent. Okay, I am done rambling. GO!!! Click and find a good recipe to try tonight. Then call me when it's ready and I will head right over.

Adventures in Babysitting

I am taking the nudge of Deb to write about my Adventures in Babysitting.



I had many babysitting jobs over my teenage years. I had jobs with the same 5 families, so I was certain I did something right.

I loved kids. I loved pretending it was my house and they were my kids. I cooked. I cleaned. I played games. I performed the Heimlich Maneuver on more than one occasion. I loved them. I was an extraordinary babysitter.

Until I sat for Chris.

Chris was the kind of 5 year old kid that they make horror pictures about. His entire purpose in life was to make everyone hope they never had a child like him.

He screamed when you told him no.

He cried when you made him go to bed.

He could scale the wall and hang in the 12 foot doorways and jump down on top of you when you were panicking and racing through the house looking for him.

He made Chuckie, Damien Omen 1, and Children of the Corn look like cherubs.

And he loved me.

I really was mean to him, telling him I would never come over again if he didn't stop:

1. picking his nose and eating it,

2. throwing the cat on the roof,

3. eating an entire box of macaroni uncooked and sprinkling the cheese powder all over his room

all in one night.

So when his mom called me to watch him for the ENTIRE weekend, it took some finagling. I finally said yes and arrived after school on Friday.

I entered their home and mom and dad said a hasty goodbye and fled the scene, leaving me standing there thinking I had just entered the Twilight Zone.

Chris was watching cartoons and didn't even acknowledge my presence. I normally would have been perturbed at his rudeness, but this calm behavior was actually a very nice change of pace for him.

I informed him I would make him dinner and made my way to the kitchen. I made frozen chicken strips and mac and cheese with green beans to even out the nutritious meal that any five year old boy would love. I called from the kitchen for him to come eat.

There was no response.

I made my way back into the living room to find it empty.

Okay, this brat was really working my last nerve. I called out for him and searched the entire house to find no demon child.

I went outside and called his name. He wasn't in the front yard or in the back. I was really beginning to panic.

This was way before cell phones and, mom and dad, escaping from reality, had left with no forwarding number. I was stuck. What the hell was I supposed to do? I took a deep breath and went back inside to get my thoughts together.

Then I did what every responsible teenager would do.

I sat down to eat.

I announced aloud every move I was making:

"Hmmm, I have no idea where Chris is. I sure wish he was here. Guess I will eat and hope he shows up. This chicken is GREAT! Mmmmm, the macaroni, PERFECT!!"

I went on for ten minutes, hoping somehow that creepy little bastard was listening and would eventually emerge.

Sure enough, just as I was washing off my plate, I turned to find him sitting at the table, helping himself to the feast.

"Oh, Chris, so glad you could join me! Where were you?"

"Hiding."

Oh, okay. Where were you hiding?"

"I can't tell you. Then I couldn't hide there anymore."

"Alrighty. If you hide again, I won't buy you any ice cream."

"What kind of ice cream?"

"Any kind you want."

And with that threat I was pretty confident, the weekend would go much smoother. Man, was I wrong.

That night he vanished two more times. I had locked all the doors, so I knew he was inside. The thought of him ingesting some poison or poking his eye out with some sharp object kept me looking in every nook and cranny all evening long.

Saturday and Sunday were the same. He would be at my side one second and the next- gone, not to be found for about an hour. After the fourth time of him hiding, I just enjoyed the peace and quiet, read some of mom's trashy vixen novels, and thought this was the easiest money I had ever made.

Sunday afternoon, when he hid again, I yelled, "Okay, fine! You aren't getting ice cream!" I heard a muffled "I don't even like ice cream!" So I followed the sound and found him under his bed hiding behind a giant stuffed dog. He was so still and trying to fake me out, so I just left him, pretending I hadn't seen him.

I read some more of mom's trashy novel and soon heard mom and dad pull into the driveway. I made my way back to his room and peeked under the bed. He had fallen asleep and I gingerly picked him up and placed him on his bed.

Mom and dad came in and asked how Chris had been over the weekend.

"Oh, it was like he wasn't even here. He was great!"

They paid me the cash wadded up in the tiny roll and I headed to my car. I was actually feeling a little bad for how little time I actually spent interacting with the kid. I waited until I was at the stop sign before I looked to see how much I had raked in for doing nothing all weekend.

I unrolled the green to find two tens. TWENTY DOLLARS? What was that, like .05 cents an hour?!

Okay, I officially didn't feel bad at all.

I should have left the little turd under the bed and made them look for him. AND taken her trashy novel I never finished.