Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Ghost Ship

Thanks Amelia for filling in for me on Thurs last week and totally cracking me up with the albino picture of me. I owe you big time. Really. Big time. Really big.

I am finally getting my computer back from my freakin' kids that are home for the holidays. Jerks. Just kidding. They are wonderful precious souls. Just kidding. I could go on forever, so let's get on with the show......

The Royal Caribbean ship, Adventure of the Sea, is now known as the place where all famous people who have died go. Seriously.

I saw many famous people, but Rick and his "you can't just take a picture of strangers" philosophy was ringing in my ears ALL.THE.DAMN.TIME. and I never had my freakin' camera when they were around. Except one day....

So when he went to the bathroom while on St Thomas, I took one of Sadam Hussein yelling at his wife.

There was also Desi Arnez Sr (Ricky Ricardo), Hitler (only his famous moustache was under his bottom lip), and Gilda Radner. All of them were there. And I was an absolute idiot when they were around me. By the way, Desi's wife hated me and thought I was ready to jump the old guys bones.She gave me the stink eye every time I saw them. And he wore fish net mesh tank tops. A big turn off for me.

Since we boarded out of San Juan and apparently they offered a special to Puerto Rican folks, any English speaking person was the minority. Peurto Ricans are very sweet and VERY LOUD.

They know how to have a good time, but they all travel together, all 25 members of their family. And they all stayed on our end of the ship. On our deck. And opened and closed their door 500,000 times in a 24 hour period.

Tiff and Deb jinxed me. They, along with 5 million other screaming teenie-boppers have talked non-stop about the damn Twilight series, Edward, Bella, yada yada yada. So at the airport, I am scanning the bookstore waiting to throw out 20 bucks for the cheesey paperback that will take up the couple of hours on the plane I will not be sleeping when I see it. There on the top shelf is Twilight. I smiled and looked around hoping there was something that would persuade me to buy it. I wasn't going to fall victim to this rage. I was going to be the one and only human with a vagina on the planet that had not read the stupid book about stupid vampires falling in love with a stupid girl.

I am hooked. Jerks.

Tomorrow holds non-stop patient care and cooking at night to prepare for the 35 people that will be coming for Thanksgiving. So I will be back on Friday. Everyone take the week off so I can catch up with you guys!!!!!

Monday, November 24, 2008

"We Apologize For Any Inconvenience This Delay May Cause You"

Let me go down on record by saying that a perfectly wonderful vacation can be pissed away on the flight home


1. The plane you are scheduled to fly across the ocean on has 1.5 hours worth of maintenance prior to your boarding it.
2. That 1.5 hour of NECESSARY maintenance made you miss your connecting flight.
3. You are put up for the night in a hotel that has ONE person driving the shuttle to and from the airport to pick up the 60 some-odd stranded passengers and because you are pushed and shoved out of the way, don't make it to your hotel room until after midnight.
4. You have no clean clothes because you have checked everything in your carry on that was of necessity for the duty-free booze and cigarettes you purchased for Christmas presents prior to knowing that you MIGHT NEED that make up and deodorant because nothing says Merry Christmas like Cirrhosis of the Liver and Lung Cancer.
5. You have received a meal voucher and, again, because it is after midnight, don't get to use it because the hotel restaurant is closed.
6. The hotel restaurant doesn't open until 6:30am, but your flight leaves at 7am...meaning no breakfast either.
7. When finally arriving to your destination city to find out your luggage is lost.
8. If I hear one more person tell me they are sorry because they inconvenienced me I.WILL.CHOKE.THEM.
9. And my ankles swelled because I think I am in renal failure and now have Congestive Heart Failure from all the alcohol consumed...
10. But, I am back.


I am home!!!!

Let me catch my breath and find my camera. I have so much to share.

1. The ship we sailed on was haunted.
2. Tiff and 3D- you cursed me, I know you did!!!!

Confused?! I will fill you in tomorrow. Or tonight, if I get my act together.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Me Me Meme

Remember, this was written a week prior to you reading this. I have 6 posts to do before I leave for my trip, so I am deperate and don't want you to forget me. This a meme I borrowed from a LOT of you, but the latest one was Deb. So, for your insomnia:

1. Where is your cell phone? purse (who knows where that is)
2. Where is your significant other? kitchen
3. Your hair color? red (no, I don't color it)
4. Your mother? sad (she misses my daddy so much)
5. Your father? Heaven
6. Your favorite thing? Blogging (and the grandkids)
7. Your dream last night? nothing
8. Your dream/goal? bill-less
9. The room you’re in? Family Room
10. Your hobby? decorating
11. Your fear? Alzheimer's
12. Where do you want to be in six years? here
13. Where were you last night? Salt Grass
14. What you’re not? skinny (see above)
15. One of your wish list items? Lottery
16. Where you grew up? Borger
17. The last thing you did? walked (I know I am shocked, too!)
18. What are you wearing? sweater
19. Your T.V.? flat
20. Your pet? Andy
21. Your computer? worshipped
22. Your mood? satisfied (is that a mood?)
23. Missing someone? Daddy
24. Your car? Nissan
25. Something you’re not wearing? shoes (yes, I am wearing panties, thanks for asking)
26. Favorite store? Farmhouse
27. Your Summer? hot
28. Love someone? Yes
29. Your favorite color? chocolate
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? today (I am versatile like that)

I know, you wanted more and really don't give a rat's ass about this, but HEY!!! I am on a dang cruise and if I am killed in a violent hurricane, this may be all you have to cling to. I miss you and wish I was home blogging and reading you.

Dear God , please let me get chased by a shar or almost fall overboard or something bloggable for all peep's reading enjoyment. But don't let it hurt. Amen.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Secret Is Out

Hi All! This is Amy, aka Amelia Bedelia. For those of you who don't know me, I am Jill Jill Bo Bill's sister.  Younger sister, that is. For any of you who have older siblings, I want to first of all say "I'm sorry", if you were tortured and made fun of, like I was. I was pee'd and puked on by my older sister, and still have emotional problems from the pain I felt as a child. Jill is always the center of attention and was always involved in everything. I, on the other hand, felt more comfortable with my little group of friends, and only getting involved if I absolutlely had to. I grew up anwering to "hey, Jill's sister!" My own mother even called me Jill. I learned it was just easier to answer to "Jill" instead of trying to explain that my name was Amy. But good news, younger siblings!! I have Jill's password to her blog! I told her that I'd be "happy" to guest post for her, while she is out of the country, and she was dumb smart enough to give me full access to her blog. SUCKER!

I do have many stories about my sis growing up. I have even posted about them. (For examples, click here and here).  But there is one secret that none of you know......Jill wanted to be a Coppertone model. I even gave you an example of her picture she sent in to the Coppertone Company.  (Warning: Put your sunglasses on before you view the picture or you will be blinded!)
She was one hot mama, huh? Sorry to say, the Coppertone people didn't agree and she never got the chance to fullfill her dream. So, me, being the nice sister that I am, thought I would give her that chance, to show the world just how hot she is in a bathing suit. So, here you go, Sister!  You're welcome. You can thank me later.  Wow, she is going to be so surprised when she see's this. I bet she buys me a great Christmas present!I can't wait!

 (actually this is Amy!)

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

You Are Invited

Dear God,
Please don't ever let this happen to me.
(click to enlarge)

Wait for it....
(Okay, click on it to (hee hee) enlarge)
How special. She was able to wear white.
I just wanna know what the Mother of the Bride wore.

Tomorrow, Amelia Bedelia, my wonderful sister, will be hiijacking this blog and making you laugh. Be nice and comment a lot. She is a crier.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

How to Shower

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks, turning all clothing right-side-out.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror.
Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Give him a little wink and a smile.

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed keeping your boxer inside your pants.
If wearing whitie tighties, roll them all the way down your legs until they are a tight twisted rope-like object and kick your legs until they fly off.
Ignore where they land.
Unless it's the ceiling fan, then turn it on and fling them across the room.
Hold hands up in referee formation for field goal.
Leave all clothes in a pile on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Flex your non-existatant muscles and turn your head over your shoulder looking at your ass.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed as you fart again.
Laugh at how hilarious you are.

Monday, November 17, 2008

THE award

I was awarded this by one of my favorite bloggers, Jenni at Jiggety Jigg. It's the smorgsboard, the supreme pizza, the Motherlode of all awards. And sweet little funny Jenni said we can make up our own rules. That is my favorite part.

So these are the rules:
Since it is November, The month of Thanksgiving, I am most thankful for you, my friends.
SO.....I am giving you all this award. Unlinked, Because I am (say it with me) LAZY. I mean my Lord, people, look at all of you that I love. Jay, you already got this from Jenni, but FYI, I love you, too.

If your name starts with a/an:

A-Amelia Bedelia, Angela(My Dogumentary)
C-Candid Carrie, Cookies, Choc Covered DD, Coral, Country Girl(Misplaced), ciii
D-Deb(soxy) and Deb(dirty socks)and Deb(Don't judge), Dawn
E-Em, Elaine
F-Farm Blahg, Froggy Bloggy(Justine), Farrago
G-Georgie, Good & Crazy(Carissa), Ginny B's
H-Happy Meals & Happy Hour, Holly(AF) and Holly (June Cleaver)
I-It's Not Always What it Seems (Lisa)
J-Julie, Jennifer Suarez, Janie (Sounding Forth), Jill (Scary Mommy)
K-Krista, Karen(NucMed)
L-Life is Good (Dana), Life of a Nguyener(Amybo),
M-the Mom(Jen), Megryan's Mom, Mamahut, Manic Mariah
N-Nikki Crumpet(look at you with a letter all to yourself)
O-Our J'Ollie Home, Ouisa(Shelley)
P-Pork Chops(Captain-Danielle)
Q-Queen of the Planet Hotflash(Deb)
R-Rhonda, Ronda(the ranter)
S-Short pump Preppy(Linda), Suzann(Lavender&Roses), Swirl Girl, Sid(Sixy mom)
T-Tiffany, Tena
V-Very sure I mean, YOU!!
W-Wheezer's Cheese,(A) Woman's Perrogative(Carey Sue)
X-xtra special commenters
Y-yes, YOU!!!
Z- Zilch-I have nothing else, now go share the love.

I miss you guys like crazy!!!

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Hallelujah Chorus is about to ring out...

81. I am 22 hours from lift off. I am more excited now than I was at the first of the week. I think it's that I don't have work looming over me and my kids will be going to their dad's after school. I have my clothes ready and all I lack is putting them in the suitcase.

82. I am really sad about missing out on blog life for a solid 9 days. It costs $2.45 a minute to use their Internet service, and as many blogs as I read, that would be about $500 a day.

83. That would buy a LOT of souvenirs.

84. On a cruise, the first thing that everyone does is go through a safety drill with our life vests and a escape route if something happens. The vests are huge and you can barely move with them on. Turning your head is next to impossible.

85. Rick was coming down the hall with his vest on and I was waiting at the elevator. I looked back to see him walk past a doorway where a rather large lady was emerging from her room with her vest on as well. The two bumped into one another, or rather their vests bumped and poor little Rick was slammed into the wall. He and his vest bounced off the wall and right back into the puffy lady with the puffy vest. This bumper car dance went on for quite a while as they bumped off each other trying to make their way towards the elevator. That alone was worth every dime we paid for that cruise.

86. I bought this sarong that was like pants and tied on the sides. When we took a catamaran and had free spiked punch for the entire 3 hour boat ride, I wore this sarong. I also had to pee like 5 times during that excursion and each trip to the loo got more and more difficult due to the consumption of the hooch-laced punch. I had to have help tying myself up and made many friends that trip.

87. I celebrated my 40th birthday in a private dining room with a view of the most gorgeous sunset I had or would ever see again. Rick had made every effort to make it unforgettable. I am pretty sure he and God struck a good deal for that sunset to be so perfect.

88. I have pictures somewhere of Rick and I on the night we were to wear Titanic (Uh, yeah. I thought the same thing...) costumes. They furnished for the pictures the big hats and boas for the girls, and the guys got top hats and canes. The hat Rick was given was a tad large. I looked up after donning my accessories to see Rick, who by this time was slightly inebriated, standing and waiting with this top hat which was sitting on his ears, folding them down, oblivious to how ridiculous he looked.

89. I have never burst out laughing as hard as I did when I saw him. He reaches over a slaps my butt and the photographer snaps a picture. The picture of us actually posed shows that hat and me hysterical with the ugly crying face. I only bought them because I was afraid they would end up in someone's email entitled "These People Are Why The Titanic Sunk".

90. When we returned and the kids were looking through the pictures, they found them. After they finished laughing and picked themselves off the floor, Matt, a friend of my son, says, "Rick, you look like Fievel on 'Fievel Goes West'." Same ear/hat relationship. same goofy look on face. I promise I will look for that picture when I get back.

91.Both Rick and I gained weight that trip. We both had to suck in to get into the clothes that had fit us 11 days earlier. Had something to do with free food, open buffets, anything you wanted to eat at the scheduled 8pm dinner, and those desserts...those 12 inch tall, fancy, spiral-ly, chocolate-y masterpieces. And the midnight buffet.

92. So this trip, I am planning ahead. I have a set of my fat, fatter, and fattest clothing just in case I want to eat myself into a coma.

93. I know they spend lots of time and energy while making my cruise even more fun, but I have issues tipping my housekeeper a small fortune for making my towels into animals wearing my sunglasses. I don't tip my housekeeper at a hotel and they fold my toilet paper in a sweet little point. But I guess I am a cheapskate. (The cruise line suggests $120 for EACH attendant. That would be your waiter, your house keeper, your valet-bell-boy guy, the head chef, and the supervisor OVER the head chef.) I am thinking I am in the wrong business.

94. I think I may be getting a UTI. Could be that I drank WATER the other day in the car when I was coughing up cotton and Rick let me drink his. My body, not used to that foreign substance, went into shock. Either that or the water flushed out something and disturbed what had been working for months.

95. It helps to have doctor friends for prescription call-ins. When we took our vacation to Tahoe, everyone but Me and John David got the stomach virus. I had to call my friend to call in a family size bottle of Lomotil. Thank God that hotel did not charge us per flush. With 4 rooms of people pooping and puking for 24 hours, we would've had to take out a loan.
96. Because you asked, I will give you step-by-step instructions on the construction of the hot glued window treatments when I get back. I know you will be waiting with baited breath.

97. Just FYI: The new house keeper that tried out yesterday did a good job. It only took me ten minutes to rearrange the chotskis she had dusted and placed in a straight line across my bookcases.

98. I have a million last-minute errands to tie up all the loose ends to finish preparing for this trip. I have to take Andy to the kennel, pick up the dry cleaning, pick up Cooper's medicine, pick up my check, get the kid's uniforms for school to their dad's, find Rick some more shorts, and most importantly, get a pedicure.

99. I am scraping the bottom of the information barrel to finish these last twenty. And honestly, I am distracted by the huge list of To-Dos looming. But I do want you all to know how much I appreciate you and your loyalty to me. When I talk to people, I always brag about you as my friend. My South Carolina friend, my Oklahoma friend, my Louisiana, Ohio, Florida, Wisconsin, Massachusetts, Texas, California, Colorado, Alaska, Hawaii, Utah, Kansas, Indiana, etc. friend. Yep, I talk about y'all, but only in a good way.

100. With all the mush I can muster I will miss each and every one of you and your wonderful blogs. Usually the trip home after a long vacation is filled with dread about returning to reality. Know that I will be on pins and needles, ready to attack my poor unsuspecting computer, to read up on all I have missed. My sister Amelia Bedelia will be filling in for me on Thurs.(Don't forget, Aimless!!!) And I have come up with 4 other posts and scheduled them, so you won't forget about me. I love you all!!!!

If I don't return, I have taken the position that Julie held on the Love Boat. I will let you know how Gopher is in the sack....

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I Swear We Are Almost Done

Almost done. The punishment ends tomorrow. Well, after the last 20.

Okay , just like Die Hard and Rocky- the saga continues:

61. I raised sheep in 4H for my project when I was a youngster. In case you don't know, sheep are the stupidest animals out there.

62. I placed 5th in my class (that is bad, for you non-4H-ers out there), but made almost $300 more than the Grand Champion in the sale every year because the bidders were friends of my parents.

63. I was the outcast in 4H from then on. Sore losers...

64. I was inconsolable when they took my lambs to the trailer after the first sale, so my mom told me that the Jay Childers (the buyer friend) had a beautiful pasture where Barney would frolic and play with tons of lamb friends.

65. I found out the truth when I was 17 at a family get-together when, as lamb chops were being served, my daddy said, "Would you like a piece of Barney?" I laughed and said in all innocence, "I wonder how all my lambs are doing. It's been like 5 years. I bet they are huge now." Everyone at the table stopped mid-air, frozen like statues and stared.

66. I have never eaten lamb since.

67. I have a new house cleaning lady coming today to "try out" for what is known in the house keeper's circle as the easiest job in the world.

68. I used to clean my house BEFORE my house keeper gets here because I didn't want to be known around town as a pig.

69. I also gave her clothes and shoes and gave her free access to my refrigerator. So they came to my house to drink Diet Coke, get gently used clothes and shoes for free, and get paid.

70. Things are different now. I am changing. Turning over a new leaf.

71. I am out of Diet Coke. She will have to drink water.

72. I actually completed my dining room window treatments yesterday. (Wanted to make a good impression for the new house keeper...)

73. I burned each finger print off with my hot glue gun.

74. I can now begin my life of crime and will never be found out.

75. I didn't line my new drapes. But the use of fringe makes up for that in my opinion.

76. When John David was 8, he got a new BB gun (I wanted to teach him early). I told him what ever he shot and killed he had to eat to keep the demise of birds to a minimum.

77. He not only killed a bird, but shot his brother in the ass. His BB gun license was revoked soon after.

78. Two years later, he shot out the neighbors plate glass window while shooting at their tree. The BB ricocheted off the tree and hit the window. That lesson of physics for him cost me $325.

79. I never made him eat that bird he killed.

80. I did make him eat the glass picture window though. He now works in a circus as their main act.

Hee Hee

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Post AKA Lunesta

Just when you thought time flies when you read blogs, here's 20 more: (HEY!!! I heard that- "Holy crap it's only Wednesday and we have two more days of this!?!")

41. I sat down to watch Biggest Loser with a cheeseburger and fries....Do ya think I have issues?
42. I want to go down on record saying that I cannot stand Vicki on that show.
43. My niece has already asked to come back. We told her "No".
44. After my niece left in August, we had to have the security system guy come and redo the entire left side of the house because she had disconnected it. It cost us $250 for her to sneak out all summer.
45. I miss the good part of my niece horribly bad. I refuse to tolerate the bad part of her.
46. At times, I still have major guilt over the fact I couldn't help or change her. But not bad enough to take her back.
47. Claire has a new boyfriend and he is so cute and wonderful.
48. When Rick pretended to be tough and asked him what his intentions were with his daughter, he responded, "I am in the eighth grade! I have no intentions." I am lovin' that kid!
49. At times, my kids getting along get on my ever-lovin' nerves more than when they argue. I have to say things like, "Quit laughing," or "Keep your head off her/his shoulder" about a gajillion times.
50. At the grocery store last night, they were so hysterical, they both fell into a man and almost knocked him over. I had told them for 10 minutes to quit goofing around. I helped the man and looked at my kids and said, "Go find your mother, kids," and went the other way.
51. I crack myself up sometimes.
52. In high school there was a girl named Helen who was really rough and mean. She hated me. For no reason. She scared the crap out of me. She had threatened to kick my ass one too many times.
53. So I drove home after school and put on my boots (Yes, that would be cowboy. Shut it. I live in Texas) because I was much tougher when I had them on. I went back up to where I knew she was and confronted her.
54. She was so shocked that I showed up that she just smiled and got into her truck (Yes, a truck. Remember...Texas) and drove away. She never threatened me again and even waved at me when she saw me.
55. When I got back into my car, I was so relieved I teared up. But only after I drove off. I didn't need her friends to know I was a chicken shit pansy.
56. I went to camp at Hidden Falls Ranch (HFR) every summer from the time I was 10 until I was 16.
57. HFR was on the edge of Palo Duro Canyon (which is comparable to a very mini Grand Canyon) and it was beautiful. The rifle (BB) range was at low point in the canyon, about 2 miles straight down. Racing my friend Marcy to the range, I slipped and slid down what seemed to be one solid mile and scraped my entire right bun and back of my right thigh completely raw. I had the biggest road rash scab known to mankind until the end of camp. It was hell climbing back up out of the canyon every day with a scabby ass.
58. As a camper, I won Sharp Shooter (THE most prestigious BB gun target award given) every year and was never beaten.
59. I sucked at archery though.
60. I had a BB gun hidden behind my seat when I went to go meet Helen that day. I was ready to pop a pellet in her ass.

Annie Oakley

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Back By Demand

Grab your blankie and snuggle up. For your relaxation and sleep aide, I am giving you 20 more.

This post is a continuation of the 100 bits and pieces of me in celebration of my 100th post. Deb gave this cool little widget of me sitting and looking so realistically thin and tired to commemorate the celebration. Thanks Deb!!!
Alrighty, moving right along...
21. I make a 12 cup pot of coffee every morning and usually drink the entire thing. Rick pours himself a cup and lets it sit...So, actually I only drink an 11 cup pot.
22. I still have no window treatments on my kitchen windows. Or in the dining room. I have the fabric. In my closet. Waiting patiently to become beautiful window coverings.
23. We have lived in our community since last December with no neighbors. Now we have 2 families building down the street. Not sure how I feel about having to be all neighborly now.
24. The family that will be moving in first was at my house EVERY DAY before it was completed. They were getting ideas for their new house. Did I mention they were here before we moved in EVERYDAY looking at my house and making notes?
25. The house down the street is almost exactly like mine. Same Antique Brown hand-scraped hardwood floors. Same tile. Same basic colors. Similar floor plan. I. AM. TAKING. THIS. AS. A. HUGE. COMPLIMENT. LIKE. MY. HUSBAND. TOLD. ME. TO. DO.
26. I snuck in their house to look late Sunday night. Mine is much better. Just sayin'....
27. I have never had issues about sharing ideas, colors, design tricks, whatever. This time I am like a spoiled 14 year old. I am thinking it stems from her "lurkiness" prior to us moving in. It's VERY difficult for me to be the Welcome Wagon. Copy Catter.
28. I am really dreading this trip we are taking next week. I know, I know...I am ungrate and whiney. It isn't the trip itself. It is the timing. We come back at midnight on Sunday, which gives me 3 days to prepare for Thanksgiving. Did I mention I have 35 people coming?
29. I should be concerned about the food. But that is the least of my worries. My main concerns are those damn window coverings. THAT is what I will be doing this week. Screw the dressing and the broccoli rice casserole. My windows will be FABULOUS!!! (Please God, let the hot glue hold up at least thru Christmas. Amen.) Their tummies will be growling, but they can look for the pizza delivery guy out of the wonderful windows.
30. I do not know how to sew. I use bonding tape or hot glue.
31. I have really struggled over what to get my SSS for Christmas.
32. I like Thanksgiving a million times more than Christmas because of the whole gift expectation thing.
33. The best Christmas we ever had as a family was when when we all went skiing in Tahoe. That was everyone's gift. Their presents consisted of scarfs and gloves. That was it. We ate like pigs and I had nothing to exchange at the stores. I wish I could do that every Christmas.
34. I think I have a strange version of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. When watching movies, I miss the whole plot when I am concentrated on the decor of the character's home or their car. I also do that in the romance department. In the throws of passion, I am thinking, 'Crap! Those candles are going to drip on my table,' or 'Man! I need to dust that headboard.'
35. Beer breath is a turn on for me.
36. I have seen Rick drunk 3 times. All 3 times were on our last cruise.
37. He is funny without being drunk, but liquored up- he could do stand-up comedy. He is HILARIOUS.
38. I am going to wear linen the entire trip next week. It's November, but 88 degrees in Aruba. Linen is the only summery clothing I own. And linen is out of season. I am hyper-ventilating over the fact I will not technically be in style.
39. I am planning to drink the entire 7 days we are on the ship. I don't mean wine with my meals either. I have been on this cruise once and seen all the sites sober. I am hoping to be soused the entire time. So if you hear on the news about some drunk broad in linen being removed from the cruise ship and put in an Arubian jail for incessant disorderly conduct, it's me. I am going to live it up.
40. I am lying about the disorderly conduct thing in #39. I am giggler when I am drunk, not disorderly. I am hoping incessant giggling is not illegal. I am scared of jail.
Okay, wake up now. I am finished for today.
Do you think I can be the non-addictive alternative to Ambien CR?

Monday, November 10, 2008

A Fifth for You

I know you were hoping for alcohol by the title. Sorry to disappoint. But you may want to grab one if you have it close. It may take a couple of swigs to get this one down.

One of the best things about blogging is finding someone you click with, someone that has, or is in the same proverbial boat as you are. Having something in common with someone is the thread that can bind a friendship together forever. I have many common threads woven throughout the blog buddies that I consider friends. Whether it is our age, our parenting, or maybe just the common thread of sense of humor and laughter, the tie is strong.

One of my friends, Swirlgirl, is posting her 100th post today. we share the unfortunate common thread of the loss of fathers in the month of Jan. 08. As I am reading her post today, I become aware of almost identical childhoods, which just strengthens that father-daughter bond, and makes the loss of that relationship harder.

Then I realize it is my 100th post today as well.

So, because I know you are already rolling your eyes and/or thinking, 'OMG what else can this idiot divulge to us?' I won't bore you with 100 frivolous bits of info about me. At least all at one time.

Since it's Monday (which btw, means Mission:Monday. Click on the black box above my profile to enter a contest for a free blog make-over), I will do 20. If there is a request for more, maybe I will do 20 each day this week. If I can think of 20 things about myself I HAVEN'T told you. (They don't call me Ms.TMI for nothin', ya know.)

1. My mom was a meticulous housekeeper. I did not inherit that gene. I have to MAKE myself clean. I love a clean house, but I will pay big bucks to not have to do it myself.
2. I really have laughed so hard that I peed myself on more than one occasion.
3. The first time was when I was 12 and on the back porch of my across-the-street-neighbor Tony's house. I can't remember what happened to make me laugh, but I do remember laughing, getting choked, and almost puking on myself, which caused me to release urine. I left a circle of wetness on the cement as well as my britches and ran all the way home.
4. I am almost sure it had to do with someone hurting themselves. That has always made me laugh the hardest.
5. Yes, I am a nurse. Yes, I still inwardly laugh at the dumb things people do and the injuries they cause. No, I don't laugh when someone is really sick or in a car wreck. That's not funny, even to me.
6. I also TeeTeed my panties when in high school I went roller skating with one of my very best guy friends. Along with all the 11 and 12 year olds there, we were the hit of the rink. It was crazy funny and we actually both wet our pants.
7. I have never colored my hair. I know I have said that before. But I had a 80-something year old woman that used to ask me e.v.e.r.y.t.i.m.e. I saw her if I "put a wrench in my hair". I think she meant rinse, not wrench. I have not. Not even a screwdriver.
8. I never drink water. It's Diet Coke, tea, or coffee. Hey, they all have water in them...
9. Rick's grand daughter, Sarah, when she was 6, gave me a big fat tube of Lip Smacker's strawberry lip gloss for Christmas. I have used it every night for 5 years before I slide into bed.
10. I used to flip out if I wasn't wearing the latest fashion or my house did not reflect the latest trends. Now that I am older, I do what I like, both on my body and in my home.
11. Before Rick and I were married, I put my fist down about the old girlfriend (they dated 6 years) that still was "part of the family" and told Rick and all his family members that it was her or me at the family gatherings. I told them she was more than welcome to visit the family except for holidays/special events. Everyone agreed to it but one of his sisters. My SIL still invites her to everything and even introduces her as her "sister". It is the only conflict I have with his family.
12. Rick had been single for 20 years, I had been married for almost 20 years and was newly divorced, when we started dating. His romantic long-term interests over those 20 years (2), still call him or his family.
13. He has a book keeper who is his mom's age that has had a crush on him for 15 years. She cried and plead her undying love for him when he told her we were getting married. (He had her on speaker phone because when he told me she would freak out, I didn't believe him. Boy, was I wrong!)
14. The last long-term girlfriend, who I will call Tenacious Ho, called Rick on our honeymoon when she drunk and he actually talked to her.
15. We spent one night on our honeymoon sleeping in separate beds.(see #14)
16. I got anything I wanted for the duration of our honeymoon. (see #14 and 15)
17. Rick's lifetime best friend (from when they were 6 years old) was the hiker that was lost on Mt Hood in Dec 2006. They found him frozen to death days before Christmas.
18. Rick was supposed to train for the climb, but thankfully was too busy with work, or he would have been on that mountain with them. They all perished.
19. We lost Kelly(Rick's best friend) in Dec 2006, Rick's dad in June 2007, and my dad in Jan 08.
20. I want to keep all my loved ones in one room so I can watch them every six months since all that happened.

Maybe tomorrow you will get 20 more. Maybe not. That was exhausting.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Crotch Shot

To the golfers that were playing hole 7 behind my house early this morning:

I apologize for inadvertent crotch shot you received from me. I was trying to enjoy the early morning weather and the steaming cup of coffee when my spasticness caused me to spill my coffee down my new snowman gown and then almost tip backward in my rocking chair.

My OB/GYN told me 20 years ago to not sleep in panties to reduce the yeast infections. Just FYI, I have never had a yeast infection since.

I promise any hole(s) shot you got besides the anticipated one on the golf course, was just lucky for you. I normally do not give them out if I am not wearing your ring. Please forgive me and do not expect any further shows.

I am now taking my overweight self with 3rd degree burns inside to put on pants and have facial reconstruction surgery in case I see you at the grocery store. But I am pretty sure you weren't looking at my face.


Friday, November 7, 2008

B&M Friday...Fun for all...NOT

It's Friday.

It's 3 days after the 2008 Presidential Election.

It's time for the arguing to stop.

And there is one particular group of people I blame.

As a mom of a freakin' tribe, I have heard enough bickering and name-calling to choke a horse.

In the morning, the yelling of "Quit taking my Bagel Bite!" and "Stop touching me!" ring loudly through our walls. Oh, wait, that's me yelling that. The kids are arguing over who got the last of the milk and the intentional putting up the cereal knowing the other child wants some. (The only time they put up anything!!!) The fighting continues on news stations. Please people, I just want to see what temperature it's going to be today!!!

During the day, I hear my employees griping about so-and-so getting more patients or the families wanting their aide at their home at 8am, not 8:30. I hear arguing among family members of my patients. I listen to the bickering at the office. Rick justifiably has complaints about his contractors not paying him because they have no money. And that's just by 10am.

Think back in your life and I am sure you can pinpoint that one particular person who always was in whatever dissension was looming, but never in the spotlight. They get it started, then fade into the background, grabbing their popcorn and sitting back to watch the show. They play both sides against the middle and love every minute of it.

I call those people "shit-stirrers". Just in case my mom is reading this, (repetitive cussing makes her nervous) I will call those people The SS Gang. I blame them for everything.

I despise these people. I avoid these people. I unfortunately have people belonging to The SS Gang in my family. I raised a SS gang member for 3 years. These people are vicious, and yet may not even realize what they do. I want to think it's a learned behavior, but am not sure.

The media is the largest and most recognizable SS gang today. They make a living stirring and they take great pride and win prizes for being the best stirrer.

Just when I thought we could all agree to get along for the sake of our country, the SS media brings to light (because we as The People have the right to know) all the bickering among the Republicans. Please, whether I deserve to know or not, I DON"T CARE!!!!!! Let's focus on reality and move forward. I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. I'd like to buy the world a coke(diet for me) and keep it company.(or whatever that last line says...remember I think I am getting Alzheimer's.) So grab your long dress and head for the hilltop so we can all hold hands.

The SS Gang has pushed me over the edge. I have sat by for too long hoping it would all be over soon and go away.I can't take it anymore. I am officially going on strike and putting a bullhorn up to my ear and blowing it. I have said before that I envied Marlee Matlin. People who are hearing impaired have it so good now. Now seeing all the conflicts on TV, I am ready to poke my eyes out with a sharp pointy stick. When will it stop?!

Helen Keller is so lucky.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

A Little Dab Will Do Ya

I went to Big Lots and found what has been missing in my life.
Just a little with your toast and jam...

For the PLUMBERS or the JUNKIES:

Multiple Uses.

Same GREAT flavor.

Now my life is complete. Thanks, Big Lot!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Ants Go Marching

Thank you so much for all the birthday wishes you sent Rick's way yesterday!!!

Last night after his birthday dinner, we drove thru our automatic gate that has had issues since we moved in, Rick had me drop him off to turn off the sprinklers and check the gates.

Fifteen minutes Rick comes in freaking out, telling me he has been attacked by ants. I am stripping off his clothes, thinking this is not how I pictured this evening of birthday sex. (Well, the ant part). He jumps into the shower, I grab the Benadryl , and he begins to re-enact the attack. He is telling how they climbed on his flashlight and somehow got onto his face. They stung his lips wrists and hands. I am picking up his clothes with a hanger so I don't have to take the chance of one of those SOB's getting on me, making me scream and move fast.

His upper lip swelled and he was still able to breathe, but he soon tired out as I made him recite "Popcorn shrimp, sweet 'n' sour shrimp, coconut shrimp" over and over to make me laugh. His upper lip was enormous and he kept trying to talk all serious about stuff and I had to close my eyes when I turned my head to listen to him. I couldn't look. Nothing he was saying was sinking in. I just kept seeing Martin Short in Pure Luck as he swelled after his bee sting. Compassion is not my strong suit.

He is fine today and he left for work with a smile plastered on his face, thanking his lucky stars it wasn't my lips that were swollen last night...

Men and bugs. sigh...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

It's Going To Be A Good Day!!!!

It's Rick's birthday!!!! He is the most wonderful father, step-father, and husband in the world!
He works like he is 24, and sometimes complains like he's 97.
He makes me laugh so hard, and makes me cry because of the wonderful things he does.
He still brings me flowers and makes my tummy quiver when he calls me to tell me he loves me.
He still stares at me and tells me I am beautiful.
He can't see worth crap, but I believe he thinks I'm still hot.
He still kisses me when we wake up and when he gets home from work.
He ALWAYS kisses me goodnight.
I love and adore this man with all I am. And that's 30 lbs more than when I married him.
I am trying to get him to play hooky with me today, but he's all responsible and mature. sigh.
Except when it comes to gadgets.
I got him night vision goggles to be all CSI-like.
He and my twelve year old are giddy.
Always take a twelve year old boy to help buy your husband's gift.
If the kid loves it, it's a winner.

When the 13 yr old daughter will pose and slightly smile with you, you are a winner!
Happy Birthday, my Darling!!!!
I love you!!!

Monday, November 3, 2008


Good Morning!!! Just a quick commercial before the real stuff about your Mission Assignment. (Are you confused? I was, too...just do what I did and act like you know exactly what is going on. It will all make sense in a second...after the advertisement.)

As one of Mission:Monday's first Secret Agents (which, by the way, when the song "Secret Agent Man" came out, I thought for years they were singing "Secret Asian Man") being featured in this GREAT contest , I want to welcome you if you are a first-time reader.

If you are a regular, the door is always unlocked for you. Now grab a broom and sweep the entry, please. Just kidding. I meant a mop. Just kidding. I did clean like a foreigner this weekend and you could eat off my floors. I even had sweat marks under my boobs. I was so proud. Rick, because he has connections with all the cool gadgets related to flooring, bought me a backpack vacuum cleaner.

Say What?!?

Yep! You read that right. A BACKPACK VACUUM CLEANER. I look like a damn Ghost Buster. Dust bunnies live in fear. Grass and hair run for their lives when they see me coming. Bill Murry and Dan Ackroyd are green with jealously.

Who Ya Gonna Call?


(Ignore the new-still-rolled-up-rug on the left. I am waiting until Andy goes to live with my MIL so he won't christen it.)Does this backpack vacuum make my butt look big? Maybe my pouty lips will distract your eyes from my enormous ass. Clean is SEXY!!!FYI: Looking mysterious makes you have 34 chins. Note the strategically placed straps that secure your bosoms AND your pudge, making you feel like a cleaning terrorist. This rig can suck a sock up in 0.2 seconds.
It does get a little scary on the stairs since my fat ass AND the backpack vacuum tend to make me off-balance more than usual. So I back down the stairs like a blind 107 year old. But my stairs are white glove friendly, which is a rarity here. Okay....drumroll, please.........

Now for the entertaining and important things:

blogger banner

To play MISSION: Monday and enter the giveaway:STEP 1. Have you filled out a Mr. Linky yet? (Important!!) If not, go to Halftimelessons or dirty socks and pizza to do so. This enters you in the giveaway as well.STEP 2. Find the answer to the question to each of the 3 blog posts listed there.STEP 3. You do not have to post the answers to the questions anywhere, just know them if you are selected in the giveaway drawing Monday night, because the winner of the drawing will be contacted for the answers!!

You found me!! I have been featured on "MISSION: Monday" by Deb and Jay at Dirty Socks and Pizza and HalftimeLessons! The idea behind their weekly promotion and giveaway is to bring focus to great (I swear Jay made me say that word) blogs like mine...so now that you found me, here is my question you will need to know the answer to if you win the weekly drawing:

What big project did my sister just complete?

Find the answer to my question in my blog somewhere on this current page (and leave me a comment...I love 'em and depend on them just as the air I breathe!), and make sure you visit the two blogs to find their answers! If Deb and Jay pull your name as the winner of the weekly contest, you will need to know all three blog answers!

This week the MISSION: Monday prize is a small custom order tote from Carissa's A Lot, valued at $32, to hold all of your secret agent gadgets. In addition, the winner will have her/his blog used as a feature blog in the next week's Mission!!


And while you are at it, make sure you add me to your blogroll, and visit me often, or come and comment 7 or 8 times a day!! I often do much less graphic photography. Plus, I hardly ever clean.

MAN!!!!! I am so miffed that I can't win this bag!!! (I can't, right?) Carissa makes the most UNBELIEVABLY ADORABLE bags! Carissa, if you have one just laying around, with no one to love and adore it and slobber all over it, I will gladly take it off your hands. WHAT?! I can purchase one? Well, how cool!!!! With Christmas coming, maybe my SSS would order me one!!!!

So answer my question, people and head over to the links above and let's all have a giant love fest!!! I will bring pretzels and the vacuum for the clean up.

Secret Asian jill jill bo bill signing out......(I have to shorten that name. It's not very threatening.)

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Mucho Gracias

How blessed am I? I have received many a wonderful thing from my Buds here on the Blog.

I received this super cute and oh-so-detailed card from one of my Favs, Dana, on the day I arrived home from my trip. It was the cherry of my week. It is lumpy and ribbon-y and layered with material and paper and has these cool little candy-like buttons. It weighs about 5 lbs and I LOVE it. I love you, too, Dana. Thank you ,thank you, thank you. (See, who said whining wouldn't get you anything?) BTW, you have gorgeous handwriting.

I have been awarded this great award by Deb, who was my first crush, and AmyBo, who I met when I saw her on someone I was reading and flipped out that I had stole her name and she was going to kick my ass. But she didn't and now we are in love as well. I think someone else has named me for this award, but alas I am in the first stages of Dementia and can't remember where I read that you bestowed it upon me. Remember, I am a pud and have no memory. That's why I am great confidant. I never remember to tell any secrets. Seriously. Please accept my apologies, whoever you may be. Deb and AmyBo know I am in need of reminders and do so accordingly. So, here it is:
-Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
-Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
-Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to this post, which explains The Award.
-Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
-Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.
This is the worse part of receiving an award....picking 5 people that I think deserve this. Since I have been out of the loop for week, I am not sure who has or has not received this award. So, if you are reading this, you are undoubtedly Superior, and if you have a blog, then you qualify for a Scribbler. So please take it and pass it on.
Just a little FYI: My mom is becoming computer-savvy, which to her means she can turn it on and send emails. She is using my Daddy's old email that says Joe K********. So today when I check my personal email, my heart skips a beat. I haven't received anything from my Daddy since Jan 1st, 2008, 4 days before his death. Seeing that still has my nerves on edge. I know. I am weird.
Anyway, my mom sends me pictures of the puppy she is thinking of getting. Gus,who I got for HER, has chewed the rocking part on one of my outdoor rocking chair off. He has since gone to live with one of my employees. Can you hear the Hallelujah Chorus ringing out now? Oh yeah, it's ringing loud and clear. And my back porch enjoyment hasn't changed. I just switched chairs with Rick.

Thanks girls!!! You are all the BEST!

Micheal Phelps and A Ladybug

I have pix of the grandbabies!!!! Just a quickie to show off and to make you laugh with a shot I took of Grayson.

We saw the babies after they endured a hard night of Trick or Treating. Poor Grayson was scared by this meanie that answered his door with this mask that would have scared Vincent Price. So, after that, he sat in the car while the rest of the kids went to get his candy for him. Kaydi Jo had spit up on her costume, but we were able to salvage the lady bug tutu and her antennas(antennae?) She was the cutest 7 month old lady bug I have ever seen!!! My mom thought so, too. She and Gammy hogged her all night. (sigh. That elder respect blah blah blah)
Grayson went as Michael Phelps. When you asked him who he was, he would answer, "MichaelPhelps", as one word. When I answered the door, there he stood with his swim cap crushing his skull and making him look like a Cromagnum Man, smashing his forehead down.

How funny is this shot? AHHHH! Relief! With the swim cap off, he is showing his 8 gold medals.
Hope you had a great Halloween and got lots of goodies!!! Now I am off to rummage through my kid's sacks. Thank God Claire can't eat chocolate...