Thursday, November 13, 2008

I Swear We Are Almost Done

Almost done. The punishment ends tomorrow. Well, after the last 20.

Okay , just like Die Hard and Rocky- the saga continues:

61. I raised sheep in 4H for my project when I was a youngster. In case you don't know, sheep are the stupidest animals out there.

62. I placed 5th in my class (that is bad, for you non-4H-ers out there), but made almost $300 more than the Grand Champion in the sale every year because the bidders were friends of my parents.

63. I was the outcast in 4H from then on. Sore losers...

64. I was inconsolable when they took my lambs to the trailer after the first sale, so my mom told me that the Jay Childers (the buyer friend) had a beautiful pasture where Barney would frolic and play with tons of lamb friends.

65. I found out the truth when I was 17 at a family get-together when, as lamb chops were being served, my daddy said, "Would you like a piece of Barney?" I laughed and said in all innocence, "I wonder how all my lambs are doing. It's been like 5 years. I bet they are huge now." Everyone at the table stopped mid-air, frozen like statues and stared.

66. I have never eaten lamb since.

67. I have a new house cleaning lady coming today to "try out" for what is known in the house keeper's circle as the easiest job in the world.

68. I used to clean my house BEFORE my house keeper gets here because I didn't want to be known around town as a pig.

69. I also gave her clothes and shoes and gave her free access to my refrigerator. So they came to my house to drink Diet Coke, get gently used clothes and shoes for free, and get paid.

70. Things are different now. I am changing. Turning over a new leaf.

71. I am out of Diet Coke. She will have to drink water.

72. I actually completed my dining room window treatments yesterday. (Wanted to make a good impression for the new house keeper...)

73. I burned each finger print off with my hot glue gun.

74. I can now begin my life of crime and will never be found out.

75. I didn't line my new drapes. But the use of fringe makes up for that in my opinion.

76. When John David was 8, he got a new BB gun (I wanted to teach him early). I told him what ever he shot and killed he had to eat to keep the demise of birds to a minimum.

77. He not only killed a bird, but shot his brother in the ass. His BB gun license was revoked soon after.

78. Two years later, he shot out the neighbors plate glass window while shooting at their tree. The BB ricocheted off the tree and hit the window. That lesson of physics for him cost me $325.

79. I never made him eat that bird he killed.

80. I did make him eat the glass picture window though. He now works in a circus as their main act.

Hee Hee


Debz said...

I burnt off my finger prints while touching the inside of the frying pan I was trying to check was hot enough to put my steaks in. Yes, I realize I'm not supposed to place my hand in the pan. I sneezed mid-way down. Damn pepper.
So now we can begin the crime spree together. I can only be the left hand though. The right's still good.

Nice window treatments.
And can I be your housekeeper. I don't even need Diet Coke. Think of the money you'd save.

Tiffany said...

I can join you and Deb. My brother told me to hold a jumping jack and I did. I have a scar on my right thumb now. Thanks dumbass!

And I like your new curtains. Oh wait was I supposed to say window treatment? Cuz all we have in my parts are curtains. Damn I sound more like a hick every day.

And my cows also went to a happy farm. Or so my Paw Paw told me. LOL

amelia bedelia said...

nice job on the drapes, martha! i'm impressed! I still didn't get the pic you sent! I just cracked up loud remembering when daddy said "hey, what some barney!"

Scary Mommy said...

You are the funniest blogger I know. It's a gift to make these little tidbits as amusing as you do!! I'm still laughing about the BB gun...

Anonymous said...

It is me, Helen. I changed my mind and I still want to kick your ass.

Bring your BB gun.


Debbie said...

I cannot use a hot glue gun without maiming myself. And I feel so sorry for you and the Barney incident. My daughter (now 17) would be the same way. Sweet and gullible.

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

Anon...You have me cracking up over here! Watch out Jill will pop a cap in your azz just like John David did to his brother.

Jill you are the best you are always so witty.

Those window treatments turned out FABULOUS!! I can't believe you hot glued them, they look GREAT!

Good Luck on the house cleaner!

Mamahut said...

Hey Annie, what's up with the glue gun? Your supposed to use a pea shooter.

The more I learn about you...the more I am going to be jealous when you finally let soxy and tiff come live with you.

I WANT a maid. My house is crazy hairy. Yes I said hairy. Do you think a maid would stay and clean 3 inches of hair off of the carpet twice a week?

Unknown said...

You ate Barney??? Ewwwwww!!!

Window treatments are beautiful. You do good work with a glue gun!!

When your housecleaner is done at your house, please send her to mine.

Anonymous said...

These, so far, have been my favorite 20. You had me laughing down the list (my favorite being #74)

Your sense of humor is a wonderful match to mine, so I think we should leave our husbands and run away together.

Carrie said...

I love the drapes. Please share how you made them. And I pick up before the cleaning people get here as well. Doesn't that defeat their purpose though?
btw...I found you recently and love this blog. Do you mind if I add you to my blog list?

Kritta22 said...

What kind of crazy person are you? Clean your house before the house keeper are nuts! I'm with Deb, I don't drink diet coke so can I come play with you? I mean clean your house?!
65- I had to read it twice. Both times my mouth popped open in shock. You poor girl!
I don't know if you can count some of those BB ones...they aren't about you...I'll have to think about it.

Unknown said...

Okay i am moving to texas to become your house keeper/cleaning lady!!!

LOVE the window treatments! your so talented now will come here with your NO finger prints and put a cap in my X's ass and rob him i need child support!

Unknown said...

You really made those draperies with a hot glue gun?

Brenda Jean Hyde said...

I can't stop laughing. I almost spit my Reese's peanutbutter cup out.'s like a survival instinct not to waste candy. I have to come back later to finish so my face can stop hurting from the laughter.

AJ said...

Thanks for the laugh:) I needed it! Love the window treatments-can't call them drapes. Makes me revert back to a teenager and want to ask if the carpet matches the drapes. Is that wrong;)

Ronda's Rants said...

I couldn't have been a 4H girl...poor Barney!!! I love your drapes and I am impressed!

Ronda's Rants said...

BTW...your DVD is on the way! We had some difficulties with postage...let me know if it doesn't arrive in a couple of days!

Mrs Anne said...

I dont know if i could heart your posts anymore than i do.

thank you for the smile.

and for having your child in the circus! ha!


J'Ollie Primitives said...

# 65 is just wrong. And funny.

Could ya think up another hundred?

Nice curtains um er drapes I mean window treatments! jjbb, Hot Glue Gun Goddess!

Anonymous said...

Sheep are also REALLY mean. I was terrified of my 4-H cousins' sheep. And, it took you THAT long to figure out they were food? Silly Jilly. Also, the fringe? ROCKS. Love your made glue gun skillz.

Julie D said...

Um, excuse me, #71? You don't drink water. Stop making shit up.

Nice windows!

Deb said...

i still have fingerprints, but am willing to commit crimes. maybe i could be the getaway driver.

love the drapes. i am extremely impressed by the fringe.

i am laughing at that dumbass button of mine sitting there on your sidebar. you are hilarious.

Dawn said...

You didn't sew anything on those curtains?? Girl, I need lessons!

I want a maid. It's not fair that all of us stay at home moms don't have one. Umph!

Sorry bout Barney.

Ash said...

#65 seriously made me snort.

Thanks, I needed that. And I love me some good ole greasy lamb.

The window treatments look fabulous!! Can you come over and do mine before my Mother comes for Thanksgiving?

Oh, that's right, you have your booze cruise. Drink one (baker's dozen) for me!


nikkicrumpet said...

Only you can make 100 tedious facts into a laugh a second! You crack me up...and we are sister's in glue-gun spazticness. I can't use one without intense pain for days. And those window treatments look pretty darn spiffy.....from a distance. How about a close up Martha Stewart! And yes...fringe makes up for pretty much anything!

Jenni said...

My 7 year old would die and go to heaven if I let him get a BB gun...but I am fairly certain a civil suit would ensue and I am just not going to go there...

Danielle said...

oh...the 4H thing takes me back...I didn't know what happened to my good ol' Pooley until my brother so gently explained, "First, they cut off his legs, then they let all of his blood drip out, then mom cuts him up and puts him on your plate."

I like the windows...looks nice...and a no sew project? Impressive!

Unknown said...

Gosh those draperies are "perty!" Makes me wish my dining room was a dining room and not a play room. Oh well.

Anonymous said...

LOL .. just as well he didn't have to eat his brother's ass...

Justine said...

Girl, don't be mad at me, but I am soooooooooo behind on blogs that I don't have the time right now to read EIGHTY damn things about your wonky, crazy life! Do you forgive me? Will you give me a raincheck to come back another day and read this shit? Pwease?

Justiney :o )

Jewel Allen said...

If I actually hired a housekeeper, I would be like you, too, cleaning the house so it would look nice. :-)

cornnut32 said...

i stole my brother's bb gun and shot at a stop sign when i was about 12. it came back and hit me in the arm.

i never touched it again.

Danyelle Ferguson said...

Love the BB gun stories. My brother shot at our neighbor's truck window to see what would happen. Yep. Nice little round hole right through the middle. My older brother tricked my older sister (when they were much,much younger) into letting him shoot her toe with his BB gun. He promised her it wouldn't hurt. What is it with boys and BB guns? :)

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