Friday, November 14, 2008

The Hallelujah Chorus is about to ring out...

81. I am 22 hours from lift off. I am more excited now than I was at the first of the week. I think it's that I don't have work looming over me and my kids will be going to their dad's after school. I have my clothes ready and all I lack is putting them in the suitcase.

82. I am really sad about missing out on blog life for a solid 9 days. It costs $2.45 a minute to use their Internet service, and as many blogs as I read, that would be about $500 a day.

83. That would buy a LOT of souvenirs.

84. On a cruise, the first thing that everyone does is go through a safety drill with our life vests and a escape route if something happens. The vests are huge and you can barely move with them on. Turning your head is next to impossible.

85. Rick was coming down the hall with his vest on and I was waiting at the elevator. I looked back to see him walk past a doorway where a rather large lady was emerging from her room with her vest on as well. The two bumped into one another, or rather their vests bumped and poor little Rick was slammed into the wall. He and his vest bounced off the wall and right back into the puffy lady with the puffy vest. This bumper car dance went on for quite a while as they bumped off each other trying to make their way towards the elevator. That alone was worth every dime we paid for that cruise.

86. I bought this sarong that was like pants and tied on the sides. When we took a catamaran and had free spiked punch for the entire 3 hour boat ride, I wore this sarong. I also had to pee like 5 times during that excursion and each trip to the loo got more and more difficult due to the consumption of the hooch-laced punch. I had to have help tying myself up and made many friends that trip.

87. I celebrated my 40th birthday in a private dining room with a view of the most gorgeous sunset I had or would ever see again. Rick had made every effort to make it unforgettable. I am pretty sure he and God struck a good deal for that sunset to be so perfect.

88. I have pictures somewhere of Rick and I on the night we were to wear Titanic (Uh, yeah. I thought the same thing...) costumes. They furnished for the pictures the big hats and boas for the girls, and the guys got top hats and canes. The hat Rick was given was a tad large. I looked up after donning my accessories to see Rick, who by this time was slightly inebriated, standing and waiting with this top hat which was sitting on his ears, folding them down, oblivious to how ridiculous he looked.

89. I have never burst out laughing as hard as I did when I saw him. He reaches over a slaps my butt and the photographer snaps a picture. The picture of us actually posed shows that hat and me hysterical with the ugly crying face. I only bought them because I was afraid they would end up in someone's email entitled "These People Are Why The Titanic Sunk".

90. When we returned and the kids were looking through the pictures, they found them. After they finished laughing and picked themselves off the floor, Matt, a friend of my son, says, "Rick, you look like Fievel on 'Fievel Goes West'." Same ear/hat relationship. same goofy look on face. I promise I will look for that picture when I get back.

91.Both Rick and I gained weight that trip. We both had to suck in to get into the clothes that had fit us 11 days earlier. Had something to do with free food, open buffets, anything you wanted to eat at the scheduled 8pm dinner, and those desserts...those 12 inch tall, fancy, spiral-ly, chocolate-y masterpieces. And the midnight buffet.

92. So this trip, I am planning ahead. I have a set of my fat, fatter, and fattest clothing just in case I want to eat myself into a coma.

93. I know they spend lots of time and energy while making my cruise even more fun, but I have issues tipping my housekeeper a small fortune for making my towels into animals wearing my sunglasses. I don't tip my housekeeper at a hotel and they fold my toilet paper in a sweet little point. But I guess I am a cheapskate. (The cruise line suggests $120 for EACH attendant. That would be your waiter, your house keeper, your valet-bell-boy guy, the head chef, and the supervisor OVER the head chef.) I am thinking I am in the wrong business.

94. I think I may be getting a UTI. Could be that I drank WATER the other day in the car when I was coughing up cotton and Rick let me drink his. My body, not used to that foreign substance, went into shock. Either that or the water flushed out something and disturbed what had been working for months.

95. It helps to have doctor friends for prescription call-ins. When we took our vacation to Tahoe, everyone but Me and John David got the stomach virus. I had to call my friend to call in a family size bottle of Lomotil. Thank God that hotel did not charge us per flush. With 4 rooms of people pooping and puking for 24 hours, we would've had to take out a loan.
96. Because you asked, I will give you step-by-step instructions on the construction of the hot glued window treatments when I get back. I know you will be waiting with baited breath.

97. Just FYI: The new house keeper that tried out yesterday did a good job. It only took me ten minutes to rearrange the chotskis she had dusted and placed in a straight line across my bookcases.

98. I have a million last-minute errands to tie up all the loose ends to finish preparing for this trip. I have to take Andy to the kennel, pick up the dry cleaning, pick up Cooper's medicine, pick up my check, get the kid's uniforms for school to their dad's, find Rick some more shorts, and most importantly, get a pedicure.

99. I am scraping the bottom of the information barrel to finish these last twenty. And honestly, I am distracted by the huge list of To-Dos looming. But I do want you all to know how much I appreciate you and your loyalty to me. When I talk to people, I always brag about you as my friend. My South Carolina friend, my Oklahoma friend, my Louisiana, Ohio, Florida, Wisconsin, Massachusetts, Texas, California, Colorado, Alaska, Hawaii, Utah, Kansas, Indiana, etc. friend. Yep, I talk about y'all, but only in a good way.

100. With all the mush I can muster I will miss each and every one of you and your wonderful blogs. Usually the trip home after a long vacation is filled with dread about returning to reality. Know that I will be on pins and needles, ready to attack my poor unsuspecting computer, to read up on all I have missed. My sister Amelia Bedelia will be filling in for me on Thurs.(Don't forget, Aimless!!!) And I have come up with 4 other posts and scheduled them, so you won't forget about me. I love you all!!!!

If I don't return, I have taken the position that Julie held on the Love Boat. I will let you know how Gopher is in the sack....


Unknown said...

tears tears and more tears 9 friggin days...
just so you know I am gonna cheat on you while your gone-I prefer honesty in a relationship and since you plan on shaggingg gopher...well I'm just sayin...

Have fun and don't get to drunk and crack your head on your balcony railing leaving blood everywhere then fall over the side of your balcony-cuz that would be really bad and messy for the cleaning crew

Hugs we will miss you!

Ronda's Rants said...

I just want to know how you made them!
Have fun...God I love love love love cruises!!!!

Julie D said...

OMG, the bumper dance had me cracking up.

I will miss you, honey! Have a wonderful trip, take lots of pictures and "rock the boat" regularly!!!!

Love you!!!! :::smooch::::

J'Ollie Primitives said...

With a name like Gopher it's got to be good.

I would like a cabin boy as a souvenier. Please.

Have a great time, don't wear complicated clothes ~ unless ya want to make more friends ~ and for the love of God don't climb the rigging just for good blog pics. Unless it's a REALLY good shot.

Anonymous said...

We will MISS you. But have so much fun for all of us stuck in reality! Soak it up!

shutter girl said...

Sign me up for the cabana boy souvenir, please. If I read about a cruise passenger being found belly up on the chocolate buffet, I will think of you...and giggle. Have fun, girlie!

Ash said...

Ah, Julie McCoy, happy memories. Does that mean you and Rick have to have some inane fight half way through the trip, and then reconcile like 10 minutes before you dock?

Would that tripe fly with today's savvy teenage viewers? Sadly, no.

Have a super fantastically incredible time!


Dawn said...

I'm still so jealous of you getting to go on this curise!

Love ya girlie... I will miss you!

Have lots and lots of fun and take tons of pictures. Especially of Gopher!

Kritta22 said...

I'm soooo stinking excited for you! I hope you have to use your fattest clothes! It's not a cruise unless you eat them out of house and home. Or at least get your money's worth for the frickin tips! (Do you really pay $120 per person?!!)
Well you'll be missed but have fun and take lots of pictures for us. Maybe you could buy a little something extra for a giveaway...or if I'm your SSS...I'm just saying.
K be safe, don't drink the water(!!) and wash your hands. Oh and don't pick on those sting rays....they'll stab you in the stomach and you WILL die. Just ask Steven.

Debz said...

So all hope of me stowing away is surely now shot to hell. *sigh.

I will miss you most. But a good gift can and will make that all just a distant memory.

Have the best of best times!! And don't fall over!!

Love and kisses!!

Mrs Anne said...

You will be missed... In fact I may have to enter into some 12 step program without your entries.

ha! jk!

have tons of fun! relax, unwind, and watch out for the large lady in the life jacket! :)


Swirl Girl said...

Have an awesome time...

a packing tip: put all your clothes out on your bed. Decide carefully what outfits to bring and make sure you have shoes and accessories to match each one.

then - put 1/2 of it away!

Aruba is awesome! Great shopping and beaches and it's small enough that you can get around the whole island in a day (rent a jeep!) If you like to snorkle, go to Baby Beach...

The reason I don't gain weight on cruises is because I drink my meals and spend most of my time in the casino!!

Deb said...

now what were you posting all those things for??

listen, this is going to suck. i am happy there will be posts of yours to read, but i don't know if i'll be able to trick myself into thinking you're really there!

where am i going to get my external validation? what about our clubs? you can't leave now... we haven't even discussed the secret handshake. and who's going to give me really good Bible advice?

note to self: do not have existential crisis while jill is shamelessly gorging and making a drunken fool of herself on the ship.

i can't wait to hear about the food.

and those sarong pants sound cool.

Anonymous said...

I don't think you are even remotely excited! :)

Rhonda said...

Have a great time! #89 is my favorite today.

AND, it's almost like we totally planned this. While you're gone, people can come over and i will entertain them. Then I leave as you come back, and my flock (hahaha) can come over and visit with you.

But you have to give them back after. lol

Have a fabulous time!!

Tony Gasbarro said...

Okay, if you get to be Julie, then I want to be Isaac Washington, the bartender. He was the only black dude on the boat, and you KNOW there were some white women lookin' to fulfill that fantasy!!

Cynthia said...

Have a GREAT cruise. That sounds like so much fun.

Threeundertwo said...

These are so much fun to read! Love the life vest story.

Mariah said...

OH geez... Have fun. I am jealous.

6 Happy Hearts said...

Gurl you crack me up! Gotta love boats that offer food & alcohol 24/7 ; )
Thanks for stopping by today.
Pray for Dawn, she's still not eating. I'll pray for Georgie while you're away ; )
I'll stop by in 9 days to see how the trip went.
Happy Cruising!!

AJ said...

Hope you have a great trip! Can't wait to hear how it was! I know there's going to be some funny shit happening!

Mamahut said...

Have fun.
Don't, for the love of God fall over.
Do eat too much.
Drink entirely too much.
Hurry the hell up and come back!

nikkicrumpet said...

Oh my...I think you just came up with a "miracle diet"'s called "thinking about Gopher in the sack" It just might work. But you'll be on vacation so I will steal your idea and be a gazillionaire by the time you get back...enjoy your cruise sucker!!! I will miss I'll just leave creepy stalky comments while you're gone!

Jenni said...

Have a GREAT time. I am soooo hoping to talk my husband into another cruise this summer.

Anonymous said...

have fun, be safe!! hugs and prayers...

Justine said...

Okay, obviously I've missed some of your posts in the last week. Where the hell are you going, and why the hell aren't you taking me with you????????? Shit, I'll even be Isaac the goofy bartender if it means I can go!!!!!!!!!!! Please?
Justine :o )
P.S. Hope you weren't planning on sleeping with Isaac too! Ewwwwwwwwwwww

Jill said...

Stop by my blog there is something there for you :)

binks said...

I'm sorry, who are you again?

binks said...

# 85 had me rolling.
Have fun!

Unknown said...

I am laughing SOOOO freakin' hard picturing #85 that I had to come and comment before I read the rest. Those vests are HUGE and those halls are tiny. I am about to pee I am laughing so hard, seriously.

Ok, off to