Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Rest of the Story

Okay, let's review:

I have told you about Amelia Bedelia and the Glamour Shot Episode, how she farts when she laughs, how she skipped at our grandmother's funeral, how she ran over her luggage, and she in return has scoured the recesses of her mind to come up with all 8 of the stupid things I have done, writing FOUR in one post alone.

So just to finish off this silly "one up" game, I will call a truce...after I even the score. Here is my eulogy to her, 'cause she's gonna diiiiie!!!

1. Once after Amy had her first gyno exam, she, being the fashion guru of Borger High, wearing pantie hose and no shoes, starts down the carpeted stairs and slips and with one leg in front and one in the back, descends the stairs on her newly examined area bouncing hard on every rung bam,bam,bam and hits the floor with a thud. Then cries when we laugh.

2. We always had dinner as a family. Always. And one night with steak and potatoes and all the good food, Amy is carnivorously attacking the steak and gets choked. She grabs our arms, we look at her with wide eyed amazement and she reaches down her own throat and pulls out a four inch long hunk of meat. No one at the table moves and my Daddy says, "Good God, it's a whole side of beef. You might try chewing that up first." She would have cried then if she hadn't been so drained from no air.

3. One night, while trying to maintain her savage tan all us redheads are notorious for, she leaves our heat lamp on while she is tanning her stomach and falls fast asleep, only to be awakened by a dream that she was in an oven and someone was cooking her on a 9x13 cookie sheet. Her flat tummy was burned beyond recognition, which made it very difficult for her to pour herself into her skin tight Gloria's and attend the Stinnett Rodeo, let alone don the giant belt buckle she wore. She had to suck in all night and had stomach cramps for days. I'm sure she cried about that, too.

4. Speaking of rodeos, Amy was not a fighter. But she had this one girl, Helen Crawford, who wanted to kick her ass. She had no idea why, but passing in the hallway, Helen would say thru gritted teeth, "Today I'm kickin' your ass." So Amy would run home and put her boots on because she always felt much tougher in her boots. And apparently it worked because no fight was ever recorded. Those jeans were so tight she had to put the tops of the boots in first, before she put her legs in the jeans. But they were damn hot.

5. One day she couldn't get her car to start after work. Try as she may, it wouldn't turn over. So she calls Daddy and tells him her battery is dead. He goes by the local Ted Lokey's and picks up a brand new battery and comes to help. He pops her hood takes the old battery out that looks surprisingly new as well, and has her turn the key, Nothing. So as he is trying to jiggle the wires, she drops her lipgloss and when she reaches down to get it, noticed that the gear stick is on the "D" for drive. So while her heart is stopped, she slowly and quietly, because Daddy might be a little miffed if he knew, slides it into "P" and THEN tries the key again. Amazingly it starts right up!!! She yells out of her window, "Thanks daddy, You're my hero!" and quickly drives away while poor Daddy loads up the perfectly good battery for disposal. She didn't tell him until last year what really happened, and between me and you, that was probably the precursor for his heart attack.

Amy was the the most fun in the world to grow up with and we laughed until we cried and wet our pants. I remember when we were little, all four of us would draw an upside down eyes and nose on our chins, put a shirt upside down on our head and hang over the bed and have conversations with each other. We did it when we were grown thinking it would entertain our husbands, but they only stood in the doorway and faked smiled and said to one another, "They're weird". None of us are married to them anymore. Really.

I will miss my dear sister. She always laughed at me when no one else would. I know she is looking down from heaven now, giggling and tooting. I love you, sister!!!

Okay, we are even. No more. Be a big girl now. And no lies!


Leslie said...

I don't know whether to laugh of I'll laugh.

kristin said...

OMG - I almost wet* in the bed!

I wish I had a sister!

*This is not a usual occurrence - I was up to clean up poop from my geriatric dog (God that shit can wake up the dead) and since I couldn't get right back to sleep, I did what any sane person would do - I opened up the laptop, and was LAUGHING so hard, I almost peed in my pants. The cats think I'm crazy and I think I need to leave now to go work on my Kegels.

Have a good night.

Please tell me you guys have more stories?!

Kritta22 said...

Oh my gosh!!! I think me and your dad would have gotten along just great! how stinkin funny is he? I'm still laughing about Chew it up next time!! That' so great!!

jill jill bo bill said...

Leslie, she really didn't die. It was a joke, like I was going to kill her...
kwr221- yes many many more stories!!
sistakrista- he was the funniest. We did get on his nrves though. Why, i have NO idea!

jill jill bo bill said...

That would be nerves, not nrves. I think that's spanish and I don't speak spanish.

kristin said...

This is a double comment because I wrote on my comments too, but then figured you might not check back on MY comments, so...

OMG - you've gotten the wrong impression! O just started blogging THIS January. It started as a MySpace thing - which I hated because of the stupid blingy stuff, plus I felt OLD.

So I started blogging over here. I have no idea why it says since 2009 - I must've signed up for something with a google account - who knows?

kristin said...

crap 2006, not 2009, duh

Scary Mommy said...

You guys are the most fun sisters EVA.

Can you adopt me, pretty please? I wanna draw on my chin and hang upside down with you too!!!!!!

Ronda's Rants said...

Wow...the car story reminded me of My Dad and I...that happened to me only my Dad checked that first...I never lived that one down! He would recite the steps to starting the car ever time I would go to leave....First Put the car in Park...second turn the key....
Yeah, good times!

Debz said...

Umm...I don't think I wanna be an honorary sister anymore. I have waaaaaayyyy too many embarassing stories.
Can we all just "hug it out"? K?

Oh, and what makes you think your word verifications aren't a pain in the a$$? sometimes I have to get my hubby to help me...damn I need bifocals. but i got boobs!

jill jill bo bill said...

kwr221- okay good. Really smart people make me noivous(yes, Spelled like the 3 stooges say it).
Scary- YES!!!Only you will have to change your name because I am older and thus have dibs on the j, little i, and the douldle helping of l's.
Ron- I know!! He never let us live anyhing down. Maybe that's where I get it!!
Deb- It's over, no more mean stories. But you AND Amy having big boobs...wait...more that means more shirts that you will grow out of and I will get!!! PS I heard big boobs makes you go blind.

Everyone- notice who hasn't commented yet? HMMMM.

amelia bedelia said...

Ok, Everyone, LISTEN UP!! Everything she just posted was crap SHE did!! NOT ME!! Nice try sister....get the story in before I do.... Oh, I will really have to think on this one!!!

jill jill bo bill said...

Yeah, I would say that,too! Nice try. I love you!!!

jill jill bo bill said...

It's over. Stick-a-fork-in-me I'm done. It's a tie. Really.

Kori said...

This is hilarious. Thanks for you kind words and visitng my blog today.

Unknown said...

LMAO!!! OMGosh it is always so much more fun to laugh at someone elses exspense-I am so glad my sisters don't blog!

Oh and Jill Jill I heard masterbation causes blindness i even gots an avatar to prove it-BUT you may not be able to read it... ;-)

NucMEd is Hot said...

I think if I had a sister and she sold all my dirty little secrets on her blog and not really sold them, but gave them away, I am certain that I would tell lies like no one had ever heard before, because people would believe them since they know no better.

This is why I'm kinds glad I have no siblings!

jill jill bo bill said...

Uh huh!!! And I thought it was the boobs. So that explains why I can never read your word verification and you have to get your husband to read it for you and why Gdog can't spell. It's all making sense now....

Rhonda said...

Okay, you guys are sooo making me wish I had a sister!

They truly make for great blog material, don't they?

I did the car thing, except it was winter and I thought I was stuck. My. Car. Just. Wouldn't. Move!

So I called my husband.

The dear came right over after packing up all the kids and shovelled and pushed while I tried to rock back and forth to get out of the mess I was in.

Oh, did I mention that a good samaritan came by to help also? While leaving his wife to pack up their newborn and all their stuff?

Oh. Oops.

My emergency brake was on.

Tee hee.

I quietly slipped it out while he went running to the truck.

I did make him feel like a hero though, because he came back and gave it one final push and VOILA, IT WORKED!

I still haven't told him.

Aubrey said...

OMGosh. I am over here about to pee my pants. Those are some great memories!
Funny as it was, it made me a little sentimental. I grew up with 2 sisters who I live a state away from now. I miss them so much and when we do get together, we always make sure to laugh our asses off! Now I'm gonna have to go start a post about them! Thanks for the inspiration!

Blog Stalker said...

Oh how I wish I had grown up with a sister so fun! You guys are stinking hillarious(in more ways than one according to you) I sure she doesnt really die, I just now found your guys blogs.

Nice post