I HAVE SURVIVED

I am back from our four day shopping extravaganza and completely exhausted! My aunt and mom are in training for the shopping Olympic team and both have their times within reach for the gold and silver medals. Thank God I had my 82 year old grandmother to use as an excuse to walk slowly and sit a lot. Mom survived a luggage cart near-death experience when, as we were steering the fully loaded cart. she was on the side and at the next moment was pinned between the brick column and the cart. All I heard was this small voice whimpering, "Oh, wait! Wait! I'm stuck." Since we are so compassionate, it took us a while to stop laughing and move the cart.

Here we are in Fredericksberg, at 9 AM ready to be the first customers for all 280 stores. I took this one of my aunt Debbie, my Gammy, and my mom. Mom's head was fine after the run-in with the brick column.
This is my Gammy. I am happy to announce that shopping tired her out too much to voice her opinion about the political race and no democrat was offended on this trip. Which is a good thing, since I was so sore from walking 12 miles at the damn outlet mall that never ends, that there is no way I could have protected her from any bodily threats. But who would want to hurt this beautiful face? She made us laugh so hard with her conversations to herself ,not to mention her immodesty. But I can promise if I had no cellulite and stretch marks, I would walk around with nothing on but a shower cap in my hotel in front of my daughters and granddaughter, talking to myself as well. (Crap, who am I kidding? I would probably do it front of strangers.)

Here are the gold and silver medalists for the shopping team. None of us quit laughing and smiling, especially as we sat waiting for our food. I smiled the biggest because I was able to sit and eat. My two favorite things.

We took my aunt's car since her SUV was being used on a hunting trip by my uncle and cousin. So this was our trunk after all the bargains we found.

This was my passenger seat on the FIRST day of shopping. It got worse, trust me. I was scheduled for a double leg amputation just for the trip home.

This was my mom's seat. The barrier between her and Gammy was my Christmas present. So it was very important that neither one of them got dessert on the last day. We needed every square inch. It's called sacrifice, people.

This is my Gammy's seat. As long as she could reach the Kleenex box, all was good.

This is where I TRIED to sit, but since I cannot drive with a steering wheel impaling my gut, my teeny tiny aunt Debbie had to drive. There was no room to scoot the seat back. Or so they said...

This was where I rode home on the two hour trip home. On my left bun. Propped up with my left wrist. But I still had an antique phone mouthpiece jabbing into my thigh. One ringy dingy.

"Gammy, are you still okay back there?"

Mom buried in sacks and boxes, still working her real estate deals over the hone. Just don't break my Christmas present!!!!

So glad to be back and on my computer. MUST GO READ YOUR POSTS OVER THE LAST FOUR DAYS!!!!!! I love y'all and missed you so!

REMINDER

Just a reminder:
 I am going out of town for a couple of days with my aunt, mom and grandmother.

Don't forget me. I am going to try to sneak my computer in, but they are light sleepers and I am sure my cussing when I misspell something or can't count the letters in the alphabet will wake them up.

So if you don't hear from me until Thurs am, I promise to have funny stories and souvenirs for all.

And remember, I make all three of them look like the Olympic Asian gymnists. They are microscopic humans. I always love being the Amazon... and I am only 5'5".

P.S. Wish you could all go with us. And yes, Amelia Bedelia, I will miss you most. (Mom made me say that) (not really).

Love Y'all!!!!

The ABC's of B&M

Okay, Sixy Mom, Sidney borrowed this from Georgie who borrowed it from somebody else.


This is Fri. The official B&M day. YEEEHAAAW! 24 things to bitch about. I hope I can do this....

A is for age: 43 (And yet I already do the shuffle walk to the toilte when I roll out of bed like I am 84 and have Parkinson's.)

B is for burger of choice: Whataburger's #1 with cheese, no veggies. (Yes, I eat burgers like I am 4. Shut it.)

C is for the car I drive: 2003 Altima(for work) 2007 Durango(when I want to throw $94 out of the window to go 15 miles. I F'n hate this car! Anyone want to take over payments on a Dodge? It's too big and trucky.)

D is for your dog's name: (Good Lord. Just when I wasn't going to mention them today.) Gus and Andy (And you know....)

E is for essential item you use every day: Toilet paper. And mascara. (Pooping makes you have skimpy lashes.)

F is for favorite TV show at the moment: Eleventh hour. That Dr is soo hot. And smart. (I'll just moan on this one)mmmmmmm

G is for favorite game: I cheat at all games if I can, so now no one plays with me...(eveyone takes it so serious! It's just a game, Cooper!!!!)

H is for home state: Texas. And yes, everything is bigger. Except my bosoms. (That's more a B&M for the hub)

I is for instruments you play: The kazoo. Or my nose. I can strum a mean nostril.

J is for favorite juice: Pineapple with coconut rum.(I cannot WAIT for my cruise!!! I have so much of that drink I get gout from all the acid build-up!!)

K is for whose bum you'd like to kick: Stupid people in general. And my ex's wife because she is mean. (And they deserve each other)

L is for last restaurant at which you ate: Don Jose's and I O.D.ed on their queso.(And cut my gum on a chip as I was inhaling it.)

M is for your favorite Muppet: Miss Piggy because she whacks the crap out of anyone who hacks her.off. Plus I can do her "HaaaaaYaaaaaaa" pretty damn good. And she wears boas.(Who can B&M about a muppet?)

N is for number of piercings: Two…earlobes. (And because i was so fashionable in the 80's, my slits are almost all the way thru because I wore 46 lb earrings.)

O is for overnight hospital stays: tonsillectomy, appendix,3 births. Sex change operation. (Just kidding. I never had my appendix out.)

P is for people you were with today: Rick, Claire, Cooper, (and Jordan, the guy who works out here and does maintainence on the sub-division. A B&M all in himself)

Q is for what you do with your quiet time: Blog and eat and watch TV and eat and think about walking and eat. (But it's never quiet)

R is for biggest regret: Not having the gumption to exercise. And yelling a lot. (It makes me cough.)

S is for status: Married and servant to all. Really. I wear a peasant's dress. (It's not the flattering kind either)

T is for time you woke up today: Around 6 am when the alarm went off and 6:20 when I quit hitting the snooze.(When. for the love of God, can they get themselves up and walk to the bus stop? WHEN? When I stop caring how they look. Oh yeah, and if they have eaten and are safe waiting for the bus.)
U is for what you consider unique about yourself: I have never colored my hair. And I won a Nobel Peace Prize. And I am a democrat. (Just kidding. I am Republican.)

V is for vegetable you love: Fresh spinach with lots of fattening dressing.(Raspberry Vinegarette is fat free, so I had to switch. And I loved that stuff!!! But I fear of throwing my body into shock if I go total healthy.)

W is for worst habit: When I am deep in thought, I put my hand to my mouth in a fist and bounce it up and down and it looks like I am a porn star, smoking, too much caffeine, Shaking my left foot in bed before I fall asleep. (Just kidding. It's my right foot. And it drives me batty. But I HAVE to do it.)

X is for x-rays you've had: Dental, chiropractic, and chest from when I had fluid on my lungs after nearly croaking while birthing Trevor. (Wish this was Xrated videos you have been starred in....I could win on that one.)(Why does no one ever believe me on this?)sigh

Y is for yummy food you ate today: Coffee and a molasses cookie. (Not even homemade. I have GOT to crack down on Claire more to have the baked goods daily!)

Z is for zodiac: Libra. As in Nacho Libra. mmmmm nachos. (With real grated cheese, not that runny crap out of a can. I barfed that up at a fair once and it is NOT pretty OR tasty the second time around.)

Have a great weekend!!! It's my oldest 2's birthdays. Kalee's is the 25th and John David's is the 28th. And to save you from having to do math, yes, their father's was at the end of Jan. And that is all he got. And since my son is coming, that means he gets to wear my apron!!!  YES!!! I can sit on my ass all weekend. I love my kids.

Cooper for President

I am losing my marbles. I have raised many boys and seen them turn into fine young men. I am not sure I can pull this one off. I may have met my match.

This is Cooper in our hotel room.

My youngest child, Cooper, was adopted along with his sister, after we had them as foster children when they were 5 weeks and 17 months old. Cooper has never met a stranger and has no enemies. He is kind and funny, and makes you feel like you are the center of his world whenever you are with him. He is a mechanical genius. He is video game champion 2008. He reads on a sophomore level. And he has never completed a chore since he was 6. He gets me side-tracked and I don't notice the half-ass job until he is asleep, looking so innocent and angelic. And he is flunking 2 classes.

I had the dreaded teacher's conference with ALL my 12 year old son's teachers this week. It started at 3pm ,and I anticipated being done by 3:30. A simple, "Your son has so much potential, but he doesn't work to capacity", "His average is extremely high, except for daily grades and writing assignments", "I think he is so cute. I am amazed you didn't really birth him" were the expected phrases I anticipated. And I got those, okay, minus the 'amazed you didn't birth him' phrase, and just as I expected he is lazy at school AND home. Each teacher was allowed to tell me what the issues were. Each teacher said he read too much. And rushed through his work and can't write legibly.

He was the top student of the Accelerated Reader program last year, and this year is like 3000 points ahead of the closet competitor. He would rather be reading than doing anything else. The reading teacher confessed to never having this issue before. She hates to make him stop, but he is avoiding his school work.

And he is a schmoozer. He schmoozes his way though, avoiding having to do what the others students are required to do. He is cute and charming. The teachers all confessed to having problems making him do required work because he can make them see it his way and his excuses make sense at times. He side-tracks them as well. All the teachers. All five of the seasoned experienced teachers.

So, after two and a half hours of "conferencing", all of us agreeing that he needed to go into politics, these women that I have never met before now get him every Tuesday and Thursday after school for tutoring. The conference will go down in history as the longest and most fun. And our next planned conference, I am in charge of bringing the wine.

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We went to Oklahoma on the 10-12th of this month. We have been home 11 days. Cooper has apparently been without his toothbrush for 11 days. He finally confessed this morning when I asked him how long it had been since he brushed his teeth, since they looked like kernels of corn hanging from his gums. 11 days, people. He is smart, but not clean.

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So in thirty years, when you see a cute, charming, highly intelligent Presidential candidate with yellow teeth and the name of Cooper, please vote for him. I think I would look cute in the White House. And think of the blog parties we could throw...

Battle of the Marquees

It's Wordless Wednesday.

Click on these pictures to enlarge them.

(I never won at the Quiet Game either. Shut up.)

Picture Roulette

I have an incredibly busy day today. So I am copping out with a new game that requires no thinking. I am always better when witty intelligence is not required.

Deb had this brilliant idea to play Picture Roulette and wanted us to join in. Her instructions were to pick the fifth picture in your 5th folder. I was expecting some random shot of one of Rick's floors or worse. I was holding my breath thinking it might be something Claire or Cooper found amazing and snapped a picture of, such as an entire Christmas tree display at a store. I have 38 pictures of each ornament posing individually.

This was the 5th picture in my Fifth Folder. This was taken in August this year at Amy's house. This is one of our attempts at a Fifth generation picture. How ironic: 5th Generation picture is my 5th picture in my 5th folder. I rock. And please take note I am always ready for a picture. When I see a camera out and aimed, I am fixated on being ready and have "the smile" plastered on. And I hide behind anything larger than me. Which is becoming harder to find. This time it was the large couch. Pictured below is my mom's mom, Gammy, my mom Kay, holding her and daddy's namesake, Kaydi Jo, my daughter Kalee, and me behind them.


My Gammy is a retired school teacher. My mom sells real estate. My daughter is a school teacher. And Kaydi Jo is a full-time Princess.

Gammy is hilarious. I adore spending time with her when I go home to visit. She says EXACTLY what is on her mind. And she makes me nervous to take her out in public. She and my grandfather, Bobo, got a divorce over 40 years ago because of his infidelity. We heard about that for over 40 years. I was 18 years old before I realized Dona's name wasn't "that Olive Oile bitch". Dona, the other woman, and who became my step-grandmother, died a few years back. My grandparents began dating about a year afterwards. Bobo is very hard of hearing and Gammy has free reign to say whatever she likes because he can't hear her. She takes every opportunity to stick in caddy comments and rolls her eyes at things he says. It makes me cry laughing to listen to them.

A couple of months ago, mom and her sister, Debbie, took them to the symphony. Gammy sat through the entire performance with her fingers in her ears and Bobo, because he couldn't hear a damn thing, enjoyed every moment. My mom and aunt were hysterical.

I treasure every moment I have with my family. Since my daddy's passing, I try never to take for granted any time we can spend together. I may be taking my grandmother, aunt, and mom to Austin for a couple of days next day. WHOOO HOOO!!! Talk about great material!

Dear God, Please don't let Gammy say anything derogatory that will get us shot. Amen.

WHO?!?

As I have previously informed you, I LOVE ME SOME OLD PEOPLE!!! And the older I get, the older "old" gets. (It's 80 now)

I was reminded this weekend of a funny story, since my husband, Rick, is suffering from a head cold and can't hear. So for the last two days I have felt like I was married to my great grandmother Bentley. After he would moan about how bad he felt (all 397 times), I would respond and have to repeat myself, which reminded me of this:

When I was married to my kid's dad, and he was a preacher,(NO, me being a preacher's wife is NOT the funny story, although I could write a book on it) we would go visit people in the hospital. We went one day to see the retired organist of our church who was extremely hard of hearing. So hard of hearing in fact, that when she still played the organ, she would sit on her bench during the sermon and lay her arm or Bible on the keyboard and emit notes that equalled 500 decibels but didn't realize she was doing it. Here we would be listening, then BRRRRR and all eyes would turn to her. She was oblivious. I loved it! And since she did it EVERY SUNDAY MORNING, it got to be my favorite part of the sermon. I cried when she retired.

She had to go into the hospital and had a semi-private room. We visited for a minute then she asked me, "Who is playing the organ now?"
me: "Maurine Erwin"
her: "Who?"
me: "MAURINE ERWIN"
her: "WHO?!"
me: Maurine Erwin!!!"
her: "Honey, I can't hear you. WHO?"
me: "MAURINE ERWIN!!!!!"
her: "Oh...Maurine Erwin...hmmmm...don't believe I know her."

Then we talk a little more, then again she would ask, "So, who is playing the organ now?"
me: "Maurine Erwin"
her: "Who?"
me: "MAURINE ERWIN!!"
her: "Maurine Erwin. Hmmm...Don't believe I know her."

The lady in the next bed would just laugh and I would giggle and be all preacher's wifey and smile and think she is so cute, but damn, she is getting Dementia. But I never let on. I had an image to uphold. So her and the preacher would talk and then she would turn to me and ask me again, "Honey, who is playing the organ now?" And we went through this FIVE times. I was beginning to look for paper and markers so when she asked me again, I could just hold up the sign with MAURINE ERWIN written on it.

On the fifth time she asks me, "Honey, who is playing the organ now?"
me AND her roommate scream, "MAURINE ERWIN!!!!!!!"
To which she responds, "Maurine Erwin. Maurine Erwin. Hmmm. I've heard of her."

By the way, her husband was completely blind. And the bus mechanic for the church. But that's another story....