Thursday, April 16, 2009

I Might Be A Red Head

Two people The masses have spoken.

The crowds have gathered and both all of you who have asked me to post something have been heard.

I finally had something happen blog-worthy that did not involve whining about about all the stress work and my kids are putting me under. (You know I HAD to slip it in somewhere)

I might need a tan.

These things have actually happened to me over the last 3 days to prove, once again, I am almost an albino.

1. Easter Sunday my 14 year old daughter asked me when white hose came back into style. I wasn't wearing hose.
2. I dropped a dollop of Cool Whip on my leg and it took me 10 minutes to find it.
3. I put on white lotion on my calves and it looked bronze compared to my skin.
4. I go for the ashey look because it makes me look darker.
5. I told a guy I was part Indian and I think I heard him say, "What, you like to play Bingo, drink a lot, or instead of saying 'corn' you say 'my people call it maize'"?

Being the chubby red-headed freckle-faced kid jokes were made about, I have needed a tan for almost 44 years now. Even as a lifeguard for a summer at camp, the only pigment besides BRIGHT RED I had was freckles. Blended together in a mass, if you hold your head just right and squint your eyes, I look kinda brown. Or look like like I am wearing a brown shawl on my shoulders. Either way...

I have tried tanning beds. All I got from those damn things was hot and sweaty and some rash from the excellerant that the bitch girl behind the counter suggested.

I have tried spray-on tans. That worked. For 2 days. And cost 30 buckaroonies. Every 2 days. Times 5 months. NOT going to happen.

I have tried tanning creams. I have done the streaks, the orange glow, the dark elbows and in between each finger. I just can't pull off the look. Plus the smell makes me gag. And it is very hard work to put it even all over the mass I have. I am seriously exhausted afterwards. But I have found one that is VERY light so if there's streaks, you really can't tell. Except on my palms if I forget to wash my hands. PRESSURE, people. It's just too much.

But I will muster the strength to do it, just so I will not cause people to put their sunglasses on while showing them my new shoes.

I will just have to remember to wear pants if I sit with another terminal patient. I think my legs are throwing them off with the whole "go towards the light" thing.


Shelley said...

Jill Jill,
I love you. Have missed you. I thought something bad had happened to you from eating at Pam's.
Don't worry about the tan thing. You is special just the way you are.

Debz said...

LMAO @ go towards the light! There's the Jillie I know and love.
I can't imagine not being bronzed from sun worship (or tanning bed worship). It's what I look most forward to every year. I start in February. I figure if I can't lose the weight, at least the fat will look better browned.

Kim said...

That was hilarious and I could relate to every single thing. If I don't start going to the tanning bed in Feb., I need SPF 500 to go in the "real sun" in June.

Justine said...

OMG, your last line? Got me, but good! Heeheeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

Girl, I think you need to embrace your whiteness. Love thyself as thy love thy glow-in-the-darkness.

Justine :o )

Deb said...

yes, you don't want them heading for your lap...

welcome home, little mama! i've missed you so!

so i guess you and my husband really are soulmates (or simply related). he will be thrilled!! he is practically albino, too! only he doesn't have the freckly shawl.

the good news is you will look 30 when you are 80. i promise.

Unknown said...

I'm dying over here about the Cool Whip... HA HA HA!!

Julie D said...

Oh honey, I'm not even a natural redhead but I have the same skin. I only took tan when my freckles run together. I will say though, that I seem to tan better as I'm getting older. Oh Christ, you don't suppose I'm just becoming one big age spot, do you???

AW Cake! said...

I hear you, friend! I've been a redhed my whole gosh-darn life and I'm always glowing. Either with my albino-ish skin or because I've turned the same shade as Bozo the Clown's nose because I was in the sun for more than 10 minutes. *sigh*

Joanie said...

Did you ever see the episode of Friends where Ross goes to a spray tanning place? He keeps missing the turn around and is extremely brown on one side and lily white on the other! LOL

Tony@ That One Paticular Harbor said...

Jill you are so funny. I am glad you are back in action. did you not just break ground on a new pool on the north 40? Mix a bot oh bedadine (sp) into your lotion. This is the year girl. Great Post.

Ron Simpson said...

my former brother in law is one of those pasty white 'refuses to tan' kinda people .. in the sun, he goes to red to white again .. We were working outside once on an electrical job when he pulled off his shirt .. It was electric work by braille after that ..

Kristen H said...

I always wished my freckles would connect, then I would have a killer tan too.
I hear ya!
At least we won't be all wrinkled up when we are older!!!!

TexasRed said...

Hee... I totally feel your pain! I've decided to go for "Alabaster Goddess" as a fashion statement.

Ginger said...

I know what you mean about finding something interesting to blog about. My life is so boring, I can't write much these days.
I used to tan real dark when I was I don't even bother.
I cracked up over your last sentence...go towards the light.

Ash said...

"Go towards the light" - easy directions for your hubs, at least.

And FINALLY something I do better than you. I can rock an olive complexion like nobody's business baby. Wrinkles and all :-)

(it warms my heart to see you back)

Anonymous said...

SO glad you're back. you owe us big time.

As you know; I'm heading to Flor...(sorry...I vomited again) ida tomorrow. So today I exfoliated down to the bone; shaved down to the bone and up to the wahoo. Towel dried and applied lotion to the still loose and flaky skin cells.

Now I'm waiting til I can walk into the utility room and strip down and use one of those new SPRAY tanners. I practiced on my arm last week. The streaks contrasted beautifully with my white skin and made me look like I only shower in narrow strips.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I forgot to add one nice touch: The self-tanners LOVE age spots. THEY are now black and scarey looking and I look like a speckled hyena.

Lisa L said...

lol re: the hospice comment :)

Scary Mommy said...

Embrace the paleness!!! Just think of how much better you'll look in 30 years. And there really is no such thing as a good fake tan.

Danielle said...

I just try to convince myself that I'm going for the Nicole Kidman look.

She's pale AND she's beautiful.

I ignore the fact that she has about a foot on me. And I have about 30 pounds on her! :)

Desiree said...

Boy do I hear you! Growing up my friends would ask me if I brought sunscreen to swim at night, so I wouldn't get moon burn.

I used to go to a tanning bed when I worked near one. I went 4 times a week on my 30min lunch, and tanned for 8 minutes a time. It was the only way I didn't get burned. After 3 months of inceasant tanning I was a nice fresh-sanded pine color. My sister on teh other hand hasn't let her skin see the light of day for 5 months. She put on shorts at my house the other day and was the color of a cardboard box. My legs freaking glow in the dark.

my7kids said...

I am the mom of Desiree above. I am also a cardboard box... and have soft skin. I managed to produce 4 of my 7 children, glow-in-the-dark. Go figure.

What the HELL were you doing eating Kool Whip? Don't you know that plastic crap will kill you?

jesus_iscomin at yahoo dot com
My7kids Recycled Yarns
HeartFeltFun Accessory Boutique
Fluff4Ewe Fiber and Handspuns
Rossoaps Handmade Goat's Milk Soaps

Hit 40 said...

Embrace the white!! Our freckles are not going to come together to hide it !

imjacobsmom said...

I'm not even a redhead and I can relate - except I lack the freckles that merge together. One summer I went to the tanning booth 38 times and probably came out whiter than I went in....Robyn

Unknown said...

OMGosh HYSTERICAL!!!! I am so sorry you are albino...I still love you tho!

Paige said...

I am sorry to hear about your coloring challenge. I am one of those weird redheads that tan like crazy. But then again, I really am part Indian. Makes no sense at all.

Good luck finding a solution

Suzann said...

White? Freckles? Burned? Sun-Poisoning? You have described me.
Of course, I'm a blonde (that's what she said). Well, at least that's what my colorist says.
You have no idea how creepy the images in my head are about old people, you, and "go towards the light". Yes, I'm a sick sick girl.
You crack me up.
But hey, if you paint some dark circles under your eyes and call yourself a fashion model. : )

tamilyn said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! Go toward the light-you kill me!

nikkicrumpet said...

ROFL....I got such a laugh about the "not wearing hose"...but I think I just set off all the car alarms with the ROARING laughter from that last line. YOU ARE HILARIOUS and I missed you while I was gone!!!!!

binks said...

You'd think with the whole Florida thing, I would be a tan godess (stop laughing, please).

I would go out in the sun, but I am afraid that I would start sizzling like a slice of bacon.

I only have one question, were you eating the Cool Whip right out of the tub?

midlife slices said...

LOL Our mutual friend told me I'd like you and after reading THIS post, I see we've got a lot in common.

I tried the whole, not letting my skin see the light of day for a year.....and once trying to get enough sun that I was one solid freckle....and nothing worked. I'm still a great huge connect the dots pillow. Ugh......