Monday, April 20, 2009

Maybe I Should Have Home-Schooled

I have to say I truly admire those parents that can homeschool their kids.

I am not one of those parents.

I know how important it is to keep them from the evils of all the unnecessary cursing, talking about sex, the influences of alcohol and drugs, the pressure to conform to a certain stigma. That's why they needed to be away from me. Just kidding, I don't do drugs and I barely drink.

Seriously, even with the huge girth I carry, my nerves are very thin and petite. The thought of having them here and trying to teach them something scholastic makes me hyperventilate. I totally suck at teaching them to clean their room and wash their plates off before they put them in the dishwasher. It's sad really.

Plus, as I have confessed before, I am a yeller. And now that I am aged, I refuse to be titled the name of the Walt Disney show where the yellow lab was shot by his owner. My daughter HAS made it to Nationals in Archery and that right there is reason enough to scare the crap out of me.

But recently I have wondered how much my kids have learned from their peers.

Claire is learning weird things from her weird friends and I hate it because this is a whole new venue for me. With seven kids, five being my very own, I have been through the drinking, sex, drugs, staying out past curfew, lying, flunking classes, and almost every other horrible "phase" dumbass kids go through. This strange unfamiliar issue of STRIVING to be depressed and the main goal being emotional and mental, along with physical pain is more than I can take. We have sought counseling with fairly good results. Plus many close friends and family members have been praying. Say and believe what you will, but I truly believe there is great power in asking for God's help. Things are looking up for her.

So on that solemn note, I will now take you by the hand and lead you to the less serious and funny side of my world.

Cooper, who at one point totally had his older brothers convinced that he might be less-than-manly because of his disinterest in any sport and love of reading, has entered the Testosterone Phase of life. I have had to bang on his bathroom door thinking he had passed out in there or was extremely constipated, only to have him slink out with towel in hand and lotion bottle on the counter. It was a shocker, to say the least. The boy doesn't use soap half the time, and soft skin, I am almost positive, is the furthest thing from his mind.

At this point I am thinking he would have never learned the lotion trick if I had homes-chooled.

So I have concluded that he is growing up. I am a nurse and know all that is natural, but honestly I am almost dumbfounded. My older boys never let on that they were normal at that age. It wasn't until they were late teens before I found the porns and magazines and other grotesque things that have horifically burned their image in my mind.

It all started to become last week when I went upstairs to make sure the brat was really in bed and not still up playing kiss him goodnight. When I opened the door, he immediately shoved something under the covers and poorly acted like he was about to turn the lamp off. I went over, acting calm and cool and covered him up, flinging the comforter back to adjust the sheet when I saw the book. It was Claire's "Becoming a Woman" book. I said calmly, "Why are you reading this?" and he says, (this part cracks me up even now)"Hmm. What IS that book? I must have grabbed the wrong one." I just smiled and kissed my man-child goodnight.

The cartoon characters with their "buds" and wisps of pubic hair were drawn very simpistically and innocently. I breathed a sigh of relief thinking he was good with that image and that it brought some satisfaction to his hormonal needs.

Two days later, Cooper and Rick are outside with our landscape guy and apparently doing some male bonding.. There was laughter and slapping of the knees and as I walked past the window, I smiled and got a little teary thinking my baby was growing up and fitting in with the "boys".

Later that night, Rick said, "Do you know what Coop said tonight to me and Jared?" He began to tell me how somehow the conversation had made a turn to "heavy girls". Out of the blue Cooper says, "That's more cushion for the pushin'!" Both men were shocked that out of the mouth of this twelve year old kid, came such phrasing.
"Where did you learn that? Who told you that?" Rick was horrified.
"I heard it on the bus."
"Do you even know what that means?!"
"Yeah. The fatter they are, the harder they fall when you push 'em."

Thank God he knows the real truth. I hate to be pushed.


Ronda's Rants said...

Oh God...I am so glad I am done...I am sure my sweet grandson would never say that! :)
You are a great Mom!

Ash said...

Oh, sweet angel! I cringe at the thought of my two hitting this phase. It's why I don't leave their Dad - someone's going to have to teach 'em.

My mom knew it was time for "the talk" when she caught my brother looking at the directions that come with the Tampax box.

Honest. to. Gooodness.

Debz said...

Well let's hope you can be spared the visit from a plumber that reveals the plumbing full 'o used condoms as the culprit of the clogged toilet. That'll just push you over the edge.
But on the plus side, you got some 'cushion' for that 'pushin'.

Joanie said...

A few years ago, I found a rather large jar of vaseline in my son's drawer, wrapped in his sister's tank top.

Ha! Don't depend on any husband to do the talking when it comes time for the sex talk. My ex wouldn't even teach our son to drive, never mind tell him anything about sex (we were amrried at the time)

Anonymous said...

When my daughter reached 14, we decided to agree to hate each other for the next 3 years. It worked. We were both miserable and few doors remained on the hinges with all the slamming. It basically was the ONE GIRL she was friends with. One of those goth, running away from home, kind of girls. My daughter caught me taping her phone calls and I have never recovered from the look on her face and the HORRIBLE way I felt. But the girl was running away from home (again) and trying to get MY daughter to go with her.

I would not relive those years for anything.

It seems that the worse a boy does is get one of those "men's minds" but your son is only in the process of "growing" one now. He won't be there for a few years yet. breathe in...........oh......yeah.....breathe out!! whew, that was close.

Amy said...

Man, I hate "those talks and finds". Ashlee has been what i think is a hormonal mess. I'm awaiting that dreaded girl thing UGH. The girl is drama queen of the year already... I'm thinking PMS may just take me over the edge

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Oh my God. I am NOT looking forward to this with my son...He's 11 now, and growing up, but still such a child. I hope it lasts just a little longer.

You seem to deal with it really well, unlike me... :o)

Jenni said...

I am so not looking forward to the teenage years with my boys.

Isn't there a PAUSE button somewhere I can push???

NucMEd is Hot said...

I am so glad I have girls. At least I will understand the moody hormonal hatefulness. Boys things scare me!

TexasRed said...


I left an award for you over on my page:

Tony@ That One Paticular Harbor said...

I have one of each. We are embarking on the "talk time" for my daughter. I think we will Roe Sham Beau for who gets to have that chat. Then there is my 6yr old highly impressionable son. God bless us .. But I would not trade it for anything. Have a great week.

Unknown said...

I Am There AND I Feel Your Pain!
just this weekend my precious middle bean called me a bitch and oldest bean went to a wedding where the bride gave her mimosas for being such a BIG help...

pffft everyone knows you give beans beer first cuz it tastes nasty!


Huggers Jill

Julie D said...

Oh sweetie, he doesn't really believe that. He just said that to get himself out of the pushin/cushion jam he was in. LOL

God love the testosterone years.

Michele said...

Yup...just went through that phase with Mark. I'm so glad it's over...his dad..if that's what you want to call him, never had a talk with him or anything.

Have a good week......


Swirl Girl said...

You mean it doesn't mean that??

I am chubby for nothing?


Lisa L said...

So sorry about your daughter..I hope things get better for her (and of course, you!) Re: boys....Stewart keeps Playboy mag in his sox,handkerchief,undies drawer. He started to notice some of them going missing..LOL...yes it was the man/child doing some investigating.

Ginger said...

Jill, this post brings back so many memories for me, having raised 3 boys and a girl. Ah the stories I could tell. I always tried to not act shocked when they brought up the sex conversations..usually at dinner. For some reason they thought that was the best time to discuss things. lol. One day I was going to the store and one of the boys said bring us back some condoms. I know they were waiting for me to say something but I didn't. And when I got home, I had condoms...I figured if they were teasing, fine, if they were serious then they really needed them. I sure didn't want a grandchild then!!
It sounds to me like you are a great mom. Keep up the good work. said...

Whew! I'm SO done with that unless I have a grandson and then, even then, that's on his mom and dad.

I saw the House of Payne about that very thing. The boy was taking long showers. The grandma didn't know what that mean but all the guys did. They were slapping him on the back.

The Rule Maker said...

That was great but it just made me realize what I am in for in about 4 years. OMG only four years.

Unknown said...

Oh man, my brothers used to leave their Playboys right in the magazine rack in the bathroom that we all shared.

Thank the good Lord above that phase is still several years away in this household. Honestly, I can't believe I have to endure it again...

April Greer said...

Just when I re-decided NOT to homeschool! Yikes. My boys are only 7 and I am soooo never going to be ready for this stuff. Just stumbled onto your blog from Scary Mommy...great read. Thanks!

Julie H said...

My son is 6. I think I'll make sure and NOT walk in on him in the bathroom or his bedroom in a couple years lol.

Kritta22 said...

Oh my stinking goodness!!!!!!

My child will NEVER do that!!

(And if he does, it will be seen by his father, not me....cuz my little boy is NEVER growing up!!!)

Beth said...

Yeah, I've had the *talk* with my boys. I swear I was more embarrassed than they were. And that just doesn't seem fair.

Nicole said...

OMG your scaring the hell out of me!!!! How am I going to deal with my boys as they get older?!!!!!!!

Deb said...

Oh Jill. Being on the brink of teenagerhood is not comforting when I read this!! Aaaahhhh!!!!!!!

Missed reading you...I was underwater in school for a while. Just coming back to the surface now.

Deb said...

we are, indeed, living parallel lives. my youngest has always been that kid that the other parents say "well, you know he has an older brother..."

honestly, all the emo stuff is new on the scene, i have to think. it's pretty scary, but it sounds like you are on top of it (as much as a parent can be).

hang in there. i don't want you in a padded room when i come down to visit.

Tiffany said...

LMAO I HATE being pushed too.

And this is what I have to look forward to in 7 years? Dear God!!

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

Oh BOY! Can't my boy stay 7 forever! I am not ready to enter the "Lotion" phase of having a boy!

I just had the sex talk with my daughter. That was FUN :) NOT! But I hope we stay open and she feels like she can talk to me. I continue to keep the conversation going so she knows she can ask questions and talk about it.

Justine said...

OMG! That last bit was too damn funny! Poor kid is all mixed up. I think it's time for the sex talk! I know it's that time with Mikayla. Egads.

I'm so glad I don't have boys though. Girls don't leave evidence of their self exploration. And if they do? I don't wanna see it.

Justine :o )

Dawn said...

You are scaring the beejeezies outta me! LOL! What am I in for?!?!

Oh, my brother used to keep a towel under his bed. About once a week my mom would take it out when he wasn't home and wash it and then return it! ROFL! THAT'S a good mom!

Sue Wilkey said...

Oy, it's good to know we're all going through this together....

My 17 y.o stepson came home with a killer hickey AND self-inflicted burn marks on his forearm in the same week. WTF. Talk about highs and lows.

LOL at the "pushin'!!!!

Suzann said...

Ahhhh... Emo Kids. It's all the rage, isn't it!? Silly kids - I'm Emo without trying that's why I take medication. LOL. Tough one.
Oh boys.
My son, who left a few months ago because he just couldn't take living with all these rules about drugs and drinking and being respectful, was here the other day for a visit and asked me if I miss him here. I said, of course I do! I do not however miss picking up those crunchy crusty socks with tongs in your room. LOL.
Kids are rough. Teens scare me half out of my mind. I want to move away. Live in a studio apartment all alone and not let anyone know where I live.
Now, as for homeschooling. I thought about it. Prayed about it. Then realized that if they were here for school they would never go away. If I was afraid of what they'd learn on the streets I can only imagine what they could have learned from being with me all day long.
Hugs to you.

Nana said...

The fatter they are the harder they fall when you push em. That cracks me up.

I am glad he is still innocent about most things ha ha ha.

Debbie said...

Oh my word! I do hate to think about what mine are learning. Do you think they'd teach me?

Kritta22 said...

I have some news to share with you, my nurse friend.

I went to my yearly girlie appt yesterday and talked about us trying to have a baby for 1.5 years. He said he would refer me to Women's Health if my PAP came back go.

There they WILL prescribe me feritilty meds!!! YEAH!!!


So now I don't have to buy a baby!!
So exciting huh?

Anyway I thought you would enjoy some good news!

Love ya!

Jill said...

OMG! I read this entire post with my jaw droppped! I feel for you! I don't know if I will make it to that stage with my girls becuase things are so hard already.
You should hear some of the crap ALexa comes home from first grade learning..

All's I can say.. is your screaming must be well justified!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, I have no idea how I'll ever parent teenagers! Ahhhh!

'the lotion trick' cracked me up.

nikkicrumpet said...

Dear God: thank you so very much for only sending me one son. And one who bloomed very late and didn't put his mommy through this...Amen. Oh and P.S. please bless my friend Jill...she is going to need a bunch of help in the next few years. Keep an eye on her for us...we love her and would prefer she retain some remnant of sanity when she's done doing the mommy thing. Amen again.

Dawn Parsons Smith said...

I hear ya, sister! I have a 12 year and I am a homeschooler...You can't stop puberty, gosh darn it! I just want to run around with my hands over my ears screaming lalalalalala some days! lol!

The deeper voice just kills me everytime tween caveboy opens his mouth...I just miss my little baby boy!

binks said...

Good luck with the Cooper thing (although really, he sounds like a good kid).

I don't know how you've dealt with all those kids.
I am sure I would've gone insane by now.
I can barely get over my son moving out. *sniff*

Nicole said...

I have tears in my eyes I'm laughing so hard! 'More cushion for the pushin' 12!!!! hahaha that's classic!

koreen (aka: winn) said...

great stories!

midlife slices said...

My first "boy" is now 32 years old and he was a piece of cake compared to this last "boy" who is 14 and so not afraid to let me know he's growing up and exploring his "manhood". Ugh.....ignorance is bliss.

Laura said...

I'd be scared of my kids too if they were archery champions-- they'd probably get all mad at me for not giving them treats and shoot me in the ass. (They're 4 & 5 years old by the way).

prashant said...

I am so glad I am done...I am sure my sweet grandson would never say that! :)
You are a great Mom!
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