Friday, January 23, 2009

It's a Two-fer

Okay, children. Today's post is two-fold. I am going to send you to read three of the six suckers volunteers that agreed to get interviewed by me, BaaBaa WaWa. Some of them tried to make me change the questions, some cussed me out, some just cussed. It was hilarious. So without further adieu I present to you the first of many unveilings: take it Deb and Ginger and Georgie, too.

Secondly, I want to share an email I recieved that made my husband cry laughing. The man who reads my blogs with no expression was bent over the arm of the couch trying to catch his breath while he read this. I mean this is FUNNY. Not sure it's as funny as Rick thought it was, but apparently those with balls find it the funniest thing EVER. Remember this is an email.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.


The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

Now THAT, my friends, is a Christmas gift I MUST have.


47 comments:

Shelley said...

Looks like the cat was right. ROFLMAO.

angi_b72 said...

OMG that is so funny!!

Deb said...

men are so stupid. mine put on the dog's hidden fence collar and went sprinting through the electric fence.

good job on the interviews. make 'em sweat, girl!

♥georgie♥ said...

LMAO!!!!! that is soooo funny!!!!

I will have my q&a's up in a very short while

Halftime Lessons said...

I am frickin crying over here...that as AWESOME.

♥georgie♥ said...

ok ok ok I got my errrr your post up!!!!

Buddha's Place said...

I would pay good money to see that happen around here!

Soxy Deb said...

Hahahaha!! That great! I could use one of those on a certain Detective who shall remain nameless.

I tried to read Ginger's but the link didn't work. And I berated Georgie for cheating. I can't believe she chicken shitted out on that one.

Debbie said...

Sadly, I bet some men have actually done this.

Ronda's Rants said...

I think it is funny too! A man would do this...my Hubby would do this to me!
True story...My Hubby was once putting up an electric fence and I came outside in barefeet and shorts! He said...will you touch this to see if it's working...I said No and he said It's okay it's on low...it's just a small zapp...I don't want to let go of what I am doing!
So...I touched it and it knocked me on my butt and shocked me silly!
He laughed and pretended to help me up...I don't trust him nearly as much as I did!
Okay...off to check out the interviews!

Jeanne said...

I'd seen that before, but I still sat here laughing like a hyena at the visual. Old Dog (my bloggy name for my husband) is a maintenance electrician in a factory and so far he's tried out the electric fence around our friends' pasture and put a bark collar up to his throat and barked until it shocked him. I'd be afraid to bring one of these into the house!

Sidney (Sixy Mama) said...

That's hysterical! I'm literally wiping tears from my eyes...

Can't wait to send it on to my elderly mom....who works at a middle school....

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Oh yeah... I'm laughing HARD!!!

Smores for Breakfast said...

That is hilarious! Love your blog!

Jennifer Suarez said...

That's pretty funny! I copied it and sent it along to my hubby :-D

amelia bedelia said...

Only a man. dear Lord, that made me laugh.

collinskid said...

I laughed soo hard at that one! I like your blog, you seem to know how to make me laugh every time. I found you thru Georgies' blog.

imjacobsmom said...

OMG! I could just picture this - we have the zapping dog collar and I could tell that my husband thought about trying it out....Robyn

Justine said...

OMG, real or fake, that was just hysterical! Love the fact that he's still looking around for his nuts.

And how dare you go on a bloggy date and forget to use your damn camera! what is WRONG with you?

Justine :o )

Rhonda said...

Okay, you so don't need balls to find this funny! I remember reading this a couple of years ago and laughed just as hard the second time around!!

I'm off to read your three victims - I mean interviews - now!

(Can someone, for the love of all that is Holy, PLEASE tell me how to cross out words? I've asked and asked and no one will give me the secret!! Please?)

Ginger said...

I don't have balls, but I thought it was pretty darn funny. That's something stupid a man would do, try it on himself, us gals would wait for a victim to experiment on.
I read the other gals answers to your questions...Deb's was hilarious, Georgie outsmarted us all. Whew, now that I answered those hard questions, I can get some sleep. lol.
Ginger

Dawn said...

I have read this somewhere before. It's hilarious. What an idiot!!! LOL!

I can just see Rick hee-hawing while reading it!

Girl, you are too sweet to Georgie... doing her answers for her! LOL!

Scary Mommy said...

LOL!!!! Men are such morons. All of them!

Marilyn said...

Tears rolling down cheeks!
Picturing my spouse!!!
bwahahahahahahahahahaah!!!

Nicole said...

I have read that one before and the first time I did, I cryed and almost peed myself! It's even funnier because my hubby is a policeman and has been tased himself to see what it it like! Poor guy. That one is bound to make anyone laugh their ass off!

Kritta22 said...

Must...breathe...breathe!!

LOL Seriously I'm crying!!

After I'm done giggling like a school girl, I'm going to finish my questions! LOL

LOL I can't stop laughing!!

dana wyzard said...

I am laughing so hard that it's pissing Joe off and he's unpissable!

While on the fire department, Joe handed me a large emergency battery and said "Not don't go touching the tips with your tongue" I wondered at that silly statement...I would never have thought of doing that.....

He mysteriously left the room. Unknown to me, the men were gathered outside the door.....waiting.......

Let's just say that I saw Jesus and learned how to yodel all at the same time.

dana wyzard said...

INTERVIEW ME!! INTERVIEW ME!! ya know ya want to!!

Myssie said...

Oh my goodness, I am crying, I am laughing so hard. That is freaking funny. Thank you for the laugh today!!

Swirl Girl said...

ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LIKE A FISH OUT OF WATER LAUGHING!!!!

Mary Moore said...

I can see my hubby doing this...

Very very sad.

Lynda said...

That is a TOTAL hoot!

Julie said...

That is a riot. Should I taser you for not putting me on the interview list? Am I that boring? I'm not funny? What????? You have seriously...harshed my mellow. :)

countrygirl3031 said...

OMG...I was laughing so hard..and at work yet!

Thanks for sharing!

Hugz,
Michele

Jenni Jiggety said...

Oh that is too fricken' funny!!!

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

Okay that WAS worth losing your breath over!! Hilarious and a story worth sharing!!

Happy Friday! I've laughed a lot today!!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Can you imagine what would've happened to the cat?

Looking forward to the interview answers!

Braja said...

I was frogmarched over here by Comedy Goddess and Vodka Mom. But I intended to get to you sooner or later; I keep seeing your name around and had you on my shortlist :) Nice to meet you Jill Jill Bo Bill...er, for short is Jill ok? :)

Janie said...

I want one! I want one!

Threeundertwo said...

Absolutely hilarious! Thanks for sharing it.

Queenofplanethotflash said...

gotta get me one of them

Linda S said...

hysterical! sounds like something a 4 year old would do

Eudea-Mamia said...

That was so worth the 10-minute coughing fit I just had from laughing so hard.

The Hubs came running in because he thought I was dying.

Now THAT is 11 on the scale of funny.

Thanks, I really needed that.

(P.S. my interview questions will be up Monday. Good lord child, whatever happened to "if you were a tree?")

nikkicrumpet said...

Can you imagine the size of reward a man would offer to get their balls back...never realizing that we own their balls already...men are so dim. And I'm a bit surprised at the serious and deep tone of those questions. I would have expected something a bit more racey lol

Marcie said...

OMG....this is sooo funny. Thank you for the laugh in what has been an otherwise awful week!

Desiree said...

OMG that is hysterical! I've been reading the Stephanie Plum books by Janet Evanovich and this taser story just make them all the more funny! Thanks for the laugh!

binks said...

ROFLMAO!
Okay, better late than never, right.