Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Reality That Bites

Okay, so sorry for the vanishing...mourning during the holidays is not recommended. I just returned from the big A, spending time with my mom and making a combined pledge with her and my sisters that 2009 will be a year of rejoicing and fun. Being sad is way too tiring.

So, my holidays were busy and filled with food, family, and messes to clean and more food. I am cheeseballed-out and if I don't see a dip featuring sour cream and something green for a year, it will be too soon. We got all things Wii and to the suggestion of all my employees, my husband got me a navigation thingy. Now I can find my way directly to every restaurant in every town I visit. The Wii Fit remains safe in her box and I will unleash her when I unpack from Amarillo. Maybe.

My mom lives in this beautiful cottage-like traditional home and has every square inch of it decorated like the pages of Southern Living, with her bathroom being the spa retreat from Heaven. Amelia and I spend like an hour in there just rummaging through all her lotions and masks and exfoliates and oils and, well, you get the picture. I only have one, okay two complaints.

Her bathtub was made for 90 pound midgets.

I cannot soak because the cramps that develop from not being able to point my toes is unbearable. Porcelain is freakin' cold in the panhandle and when you AREN'T a 90 pound midget, every inch of you touches the damn thing. Seriously, I have gravy tureens bigger than that tub.

Then there's the full-length mirror with the heat lamp illuminating all that stands in it's view.

The mirror and light that makes everything a reality. The reality that my C-section isn't noticeable. Not because my surgeon was a genius, but because my belly hangs over it and hides it. The reality that my saddle bags won't fit on most average-sized horses. The reality that I missed a couple of places when I gave myself that Brazilian shave job because hot wax scares the hell out me. The reality that my cellulite on my thighs have some dimples so deep that I could seriously serve crab dip in them. The reality that the varicose veins shimmer and shine against the chalk white skin they bulge out of. The reality that the hair on my upper thighs I convinced myself was blonde isn't. The reality that tiny small bosoms actually can droop. The reality that sideways AND naked, I look even worse. The reality that that damn Wii Fit I begged for will be opened. As soon as I click publish.

Happy 2009. Now I gotta go breathe heavy and sweat. That will happen just opening the box.

52 comments:

Ronda's Rants said...

Bite Reality right back...
Your Hubby loves you and so does everyone else because you are an amazing woman!
Crab dip huh?

Wheezer said...

Goooooo, Jill! I have my pompoms ready for you! I am Wii fitting, too. It is fun and not too difficult - try the ski jumping! Oh, and the best thing about it is that you can hide your info so nobody knows when you fall off the fit board!

Vodka Mom said...

Hey, that's how I hide MY scars!!!!!

LOL!!

Fantastic post, Jill!!!

Jenni Jiggety said...

Ohhhh...a full length nakey mirror? NEVER a good idea. Nobody would look good in that lighting!

I hope you strech before you open that box!

Sidney (Sixy Mama) said...

I need one of them thar Wii fit thingies...I did bring in my treadmill from its relative comfort in the garage...where it sat unused for over a year. Now it's sitting (unused) in my tiny living room, and doesn't add that much to my decor. However, having to maneuver around it and step over it counts as exercise, right?

And I'm right there with ya on the small boob thing...small ones look horrible when they droop. Oh yeah, and the tummy thing...we won't go there....I still walk around with my arms resting on it like I did when I was pregnant....seven years ago..

Dee said...

I thought that's why our belly's hung over, to hide the C-section scars.

My hubby put mirrored closet doors in our room, I walk by them with my eyes closed for fear of shocking myself to death.

Glad to have you back.

Kristen said...

Reality Bites...so true

I try to avoid mirrors at all cost...I don't want 7 years bad luck for breaking it!

♥georgie♥ said...

this is why I tan-I have convinced myself that with my glow-ee tanned skin I cant see all the glorius imperfections ;-)

I was LMAO@The reality that I missed a couple of places when I gave myself that Brazilian shave job because hot wax scares the hell out me

The Rule Maker said...

Reality bit me too this New Year. All I can say...OUCH!

I did dream last night that I had my running shoes on and the nanny arrived just in time for my run with puzzles and paints in hand but REALITY is....the little wench did not show up this morning and my feet are so swollen that I can't even get my running shoes to go on!

Eudea-Mamia said...

Oh my, yes. If an OB could figure out a way of offering a tummy tuck in conjunction with a c-section, he/she would have the pregos standing 'round the corner.

I don't care how thin I get, that %$#@! ledge is STILL there!

Outnumbered2to1 said...

I had a friend who's OB gave her a tummy tuck at the end of her C. I was racked with jealousy. After four c's it is not pretty down there. It's like a naked muffin top.

Rhonda said...

Our main bathroom has a mirror along the FULL WALL. We're talking the wall ACROSS from the toilet. Have you ever had the desire to watch yourself pee? No? Well, neither have I. I use my own little bathroom in my room.

On the other hand, it is very entertaining to see one of our adult friends come out of the bathroom, from their first-time use. The look on their faces is usually priceless!

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has its own very special look about it. I can spot it a mile away. Or at least from down the hall.

Soxy Deb said...

At least you got the Wii Fit. I didn't so I am stuck using the damn elliptical (or at least glaring in its general direction). F*$&er!
And one bit of advice - hit the tanning bed. Cause extra poundage looks better brown. Trust me.

Tiffany said...

LMAO That's why you only have a mirror big enough to do your makeup in. And I can't find a damn Wii Fit ANYWHERE!!

Annie said...

You have vodka before bathing at your moms next time. Do shots in the tub.It will all be glorious then!

Scary Mommy said...

Oh, I'm just dying for a tummy tuck. And Reality does bite, big time!

Marilyn said...

I need to check fixtures for heat bulbs, because I swear EVERY mirror in my house makes me look like that.
It's not that I parade through the house naked, it's just every one of those mirrors makes me look middle aged and fat and to top it all off now they are casting some sort of reflection that makes my hair appear grey

Debbie said...

Exercise is a scary thing. I know I need to embrace it, but what if it demands a commitment? I just can't go there.

Jennifer Suarez said...

There are very few of us that would enjoy seeing ourselves in full length mirror - naked. YIKES!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Once you unpack the wii, you gotta see what your wii fitness age is! I about died when I saw my fitness age. I think I was 78 years old. How depressing! Even more depressing is that your mii (the person that looks like you) resembles your weight which means, my mii is pudgy. :(

But, hey, you gotta start somewhere, right?

gingela5 said...

I'm glad to know you're alive! Although I will say no one was too worried about me when I didn't post--but that's ok. :) I have Wii Fit too! Love it!

Ginger said...

I have gravy tureens bigger than my bathtub too. The ultimate insult was when I said I was going to take a bath and my granddaughter said "grandma can you fit in there?"....little brat didn't get dinner that night. Kidding, just kidding.
Old age and being out of shape sucks. But then so does the alternative.

amelia bedelia said...

turn and face the toilet when you get your pajamas on, THEN turn around and play in Mom's 10,000 moisturizers and lotions. love ya, miss ya.

Chris said...

You're just to funny. I bought a WII Fit last year, haven't stepped on it yet.sigh...

Hugs,
Chris

Miss Anne said...

i adore you.

thanks for being so damn real.

lemme know how you like wii fit.

actually... please post a video of you rockin' it!

xoxo

Swirl Girl said...

Welcome back.
If you would like, you can send your Wii Fit to me. I'll be happy to look at the box for a while!

Deb said...

what in GOD'S name were you doing looking in the mirror anyway? i don't care if that bathroom was wallpapered in mirrors... always avoid mirrors, ESPECIALLY when naked, as if your life depended on it. got it?

my appendectomy scar, which was once only about three inches long, is now about 61/2, with the most adorable stretchmarks punctuating each end.

and i am all for 2009 being filled with laughter and joy and silliness! sounds like a perfect plan to me!

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

Oh, my Lord! How can she do that? Damn. Is she making sure you & sis never move in? Witch.

Also, please steal the button and post if, so we can get more of your peeps to come to the par-tay. Thx. Love n stuff.

American in Norway said...

Soo funny...I love the honesty.. right there with you sister... Get that wii fit out...I am loving it... although I am no longer sure it is a work out because it is so much fun...

Dawn said...

LOL!! God, I love ya girl!

nikkicrumpet said...

LOL we share a reality!!! I am so dang glad you're back. I was getting a bit worried about you. Next time you take off at least let us know you're gonna be out of commission...sheeesh you're just like my kids!

Mariah said...

Did you say you could serve crab dip out of your dimples?? Oh my...I'm haing a a laughter attack and it hurts my stomach

Nicole said...

Thank god I didn't have a c section! I do have the back fat to show for 3 kids though. I wish I could find my motivation somewhere.

Sabrae Carter said...

See that is why you avoid mirrors until AFTER you are fully dressed!

Brenda said...

OK, that mirror sounds just too scary for words! You are gorgoeous - don't let that mirror tell you any different!

Dee said...

Hey Jill come over to my blog and pick up what I left you!

Michelle said...

Wow! A full length mirror. I try to avoid those. lol I got a Wii fit for Christmas but haven't used it yet. I guess I need to go try it out. :)

Deb said...

You're gorgeous inside and out!! Urine my circle of special people...

right back at ya!!

Mamahut said...

I'm with ya on 2009 being a happy and fun year. I think I am going to plan a trip to Hawaii for spring break and one to somewhere cool for the summer...just to show the universe that I refuse to be sad and cry everyday. I am also lmao at the rest of your story and your comments. Glad we're both back...I missed you guy's!

beth at aunties said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Justine said...

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was too damn funny. You should have taken a picture of the midget tub!
Don't you know by now to just bypass any full-length mirror? Geez woman, get a clue! And yeah, I can understand your missed Brazillian spot. I mean, if you can't see your hoo hoo, how can you shave it correctly?

Justine :o )

Tiff said...

Your belly hides your ceserean too? How do we get rid of that? is there hope for us???

Elaine A. said...

SO very glad I'm not the only one! ; )

Happy New Year girl, can't wait to see ya next month, when you can make me laugh in person!

p.s. got any of that crab dip you wer talkin' about? yum....

Jenn And The City said...

My advice: Take full length mirror off wall. Paper back with attractive design. Rehang on wall with mirror side facing wall. Voila, new art work, and pesky, self-image destroying reflecting device GONE.

Problem solved without the trouble of removing Wii from box.

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

I am right there with ya only I have a dimple that on my thigh that you could probably swim in Ugh

I need a Wii fit but can't find one in my area. Let us know how it goes.

Linda S said...

oh, we can wii fit together...i'm adopting the kids' wii for mii...then reality can bite our arses all it wants...

Dawn said...

I have an award for you on my blog today. :)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

That is why I avoid mirrors and bright lights at all costs...I am hoping to kick my ass into shape in this New Year as well!

NucMEd is Hot said...

You're beautiful, screw that stupid mirror. Have fun with the Wii fit.

Candid Carrie said...

The reality is that you weren't looking at yourself in a mirror.

The reality is that you were looking at me through a window and I was naked standing in the sun.

I love how you described me. All silver and shiny and dimpled and dimensional.

Tell Rick Mr. Hunt called again. Hunt, Mike Hunt. From high school, remember?

Danielle said...

hahaha!! Cracking up! Thanks for keepin' it real. I could have written this.

Ordered the 30 Day Shred and was pumped. It came on Tuesday and is still in the cellophane! Whee for schizo motivation!!!

I hate full length mirrors and shower in the dark. Does wonders for self-esteem!!! :)

binks said...

Your mother seems nice, why would she want to torture like that? Now, if it was my mom, I would totally expect the decimation of my self esteem.

Just wait till you step on the Wii and it complains (at least that is what it sounds like to me) I want to stomp that little f*#ker to death. Make sure at least one time on the ski jump that you don't actually jump. Cracks me up to see the little mii rolling down the hill.