Update

I have had (AGAIN) a week of complete turmoil and chaos. I haven't had time to check my emails, read my blogs, or post. I pop on today to find that 3 of my buddies are done with blogging. I totally get their reasoning. I totally feel their pain.

Tonight I get to meet up with group of DFW bloggers and laugh and drink and possibly dance on a table or two. It is a much needed break from all the stress from this week.

Until the issue is resolved with my niece, I may be scarce in commenting, reading, and posting. I promise I am not leaving you, just need to do some things that make me not so fun to be around.

Don't talk about me behind my back.

Love you and I will post about all the things we get Jay to do tonight. I KNOW that will be funny!!!

One Act Play(er)

This is based on a true story. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Setting: The hospital where Lill had worked for 3 years. She returns to visit with old co-workers and to market her current company.

Scene takes place on 2nd floor at the main desk. Hospital personnel milling around doing hospitally things.


Cast of characters:
Lill- has physically changed over 5 years since working in the hospital, gaining 20 lbs. RN who blogs.
Terrence- Respiratory Therapist of unknown origin
Many other extras in scrubs who have nothing to do with the story, but make it more realistic.

Ater much hugging and visiting/small talk, Lill approaches the doctor's area to see if she can score a referral. Goes in to find not a doctor in sight.

Lill turns to leave the room and runs into Terrence. Literally.

Lill: Oh. I am so sorry! Excuse me!
Terrence: No, I am sorry!

Lill tries to squeeze around this 6'2" man, but he holds out his hand.

Terrence: Don't I know you?
Lill: I used to work here about 5 years ago.
Terrence: No. No, that's not it. Have you worked doing other things?
Lill: I was a Hospice nurse.
Terrence: No, that's not it. I have seen you before.
Lill: I had a marketing company...
Terrence: No...
Lill: I give up. Where have you seen me?
Terrence: It has to be a mistake...
Lill turns to go.
Terrence: (snapping fingers) The internet!
Lill: (turning with an awkwardly cocked head) Well, yes. (pride swelling in head and a small amount in her chest)
Terrence: I knew it! I knew I had seen you! I can't believe you are here, standing right in front of me ! Oh my God!
Lill: (blushing slightly) I can't believe you read me!
Terrence: (throwing back head laughing) Oh, I don't read! I just look at the pictures! Girl, that site of your is hottt!
Lill: (Big cheesy grin falls to the floor) Wha?
Terrence: (suddenly realizing he just said the wrong thing) You don't have a site?
Lill: Yes, a blog.
Terrence: You're...you're (searching for name)
Lill: Lill Lill Bo Bill...
Terrence: No, that's not it.
Lill: No. that's it. Really. I know my own website.
Terrence: No I KNOW that I have never been on the porn site Lill Lill whatever.
(Cue screeching tires sound effect)

Lill turns and moves quickly down the hall to the stairwell where she hopes her 20 extra pounds will catapult her down two flights of stairs so the embarrassment of what just happened will stop.
Lill: (to herself with total disgust) Someone thinks I was in a porn!

As she begins her descent she suddenly has an epiphany.
Lill: (to herself, with excited) Someone thinks I was in a porn!

Scene fades with Lill skipping to car. (Cue music)

Say WHAT?!

A text you DO NOT want to receive from your 20 year old son who is off at college, not sure that school is right for him:
Him: Is Curtis still a homicide detective?
Me: Yes WHY?!
Him: (10 minutes later) LOL!! I was watching "first 48" and thought I saw him on there.
Me: Oh You scared me. LOL!

thirty minutes later

Him: Mom I think I know what I want to do with my life.
Me: What
Him: Homicide Detective
Me: Thank God you weren't watching "Queer Eye"

Something you don't want to hear your then 8 year old say after emeging from the Men's room at a roadside gas station during a road trip:
"Mom, can I have 50 cents?"
"What do you need 50 cents for?"
"There's a box on the wall in the restroom that says 'Lot's O' Fun'. So can I have 50 cents?"

*******************************************

My friend Ron suprised me with this wonderful drawing of my favorite three year old, Grayson.

He used this picture minus the pretzel and rainbow clown wig.

Ron can sing, draw write books, you name it. Check him out and if you whine a little, he may just draw you.

Just as long as he doesn't draw me in the blonde wig, I will continue to sing his praises.

He is so sweet and talented.

Thanks again, Ron!

"Mom, I'm Sick"

I rushed home from work yesterday to check on my baby boy who stayed home from school with a sore throat, severe cough, and a bout of vomiting. He is 12 and had fallen back to sleep when I left. I was gone about four hours.



Below is what I came home to:

gallon of milk-left out and open

three of MY yogurts licked clean

75 packages of sweet N low opened

toaster out

empty bag of cereal

empty coffee pot

This is how I left the kitchen:

1/2 gallon of milk in fridge

8 pack of MY yogurt in fridge

75 pkts of sweet N low in their jar

toaster in cabinet

1/2 bag of cereal in pantry

12 cup coffee maker with ten cups left.

I am thinking unless he is running 107 degree temperature, vomiting pieces of his liver up, or on a ventilator, he is going to school.

A Day Late and A Dollar Short

Much thanks to the thousands hundreds fifteen of you that decided to take my quiz and see how bad I had damaged your life. I thought it was pretty funny myself, but 2 of you thought in real life I am a bitch. And for the record, I really only have 7 kids. I can say "only" now thanks to Nadya Suleman. She makes 7 seem like an only child.

As you know I have joined the cult KMFBAG (see the cute pink box to the right there--->) and am dieting and working out. I told you that I would post a picture of me prior to the brainwashing and torture, but I am now thinking I will save it. I am officially the heavyweight contender here and just in case I cave and continue to gain weight, I may have to save that "before" picture for my "after" picture.

Yes, you read that correctly. I have GAINED weight this last week. I gained 2 pounds and haven't had the guts to climb on my wii for the weekly weigh in. So I will weigh when my kids aren't home so my language won't scar them.

I have eaten yogurt, cottage cheese and salads when in reality I wanted pudding, french fries, and lasagna. I have walked, done aerobics, and some yoga when in reality I wanted to sit, blog, and eat chips. I even started taking vitamins and calcium. I am really worrying myself. This new healthy lifestyle is making me all nervous and twitchy. Must be the cheesebuger withdrawals.

The DFW Blog dinner is the 28th, and if you live remotely nearby, I encourage you to make the trip. We have over 20 confirmations so far, and if you want to be a part of this get-together, the email is on my side bar under the heading of DFW peeps, or you can leave it in my comments and I will pass it along. Just confirm, because if I have to give up my reserved chair to you, things will get ugly. I will be jonesing for mashed potatoes by that time and I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

I will do my Tribute Tuesday tomorrow mainly because I am so weak with hunger that I can barely type. Or I am all pissy because I can't eat what I want. Either way, Tomorrow will be Tuesday for me.

If you haven't taken my quiz, look below and see how well you know me. Put it on your blog and have fun making up questions to test all of us. It's a free post so take advantage of my generosity. The next time we talk, I may eat your arm off.

I guess I will go choke down some almonds and pretend they are Pringles.

How Well Do You Know Me?

This is test of the Emergency Broadcasting System. This is only a test. Beeeeeeeeeeep.

I got this from Tena
and just had to share it. It copies on your post page really weird with lots of spaces, but if I knew what I was doing, it would probably be fixable. Since I don't, then you are stuck with spaces. So sorry. See how well you know me and then you can steal it for your next blog post.

How much time have you wasted on this blog and what has it gotten you? How Many Brain Cells have You Killed By Getting to Know Me? 1) In Real life I am a(n) bitch stripper RN personal trainer

Powered By: QUIZYOURFRIENDS.com Make A Quiz - Take This Quiz - View Scoreboard

Laugh With Me

This video was created by my son, Trevor's friends, Andi and Landon. They have graciously allowed me to share it with you. I have watched this over and over and have laughed hysterically each time. Landon has this incredibly cool computer with a camera that allows neato and groovy things to happen when you choose them. I now know what I will be asking for on my birthday. Enjoy!!!!



Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

My First

My lucky friend with dirty socks, Deb, is all alone this weekend with her calm adorable child and needs some entertainment. So she is asking for reading material in the form of our first post, mainly so she can ridicule and laugh at our lameness so she can pass the time and not miss her husband who should at least put the damn glass in her cabinet for leaving her alone on V Day. So, because I am such a great friend and love her so much not to mention the fact she is paying me 20 bucks, I am offering myself up on a silver plated platter and totally exposing myself.

I think I originally had 2 comments. I also told way too much mundane info, thinking my sister, Amy, would be the only person that would ever read it. These days I just post way too much mundane info so you all can read it and feel better about yourselves.

This post was originally written on July 16, 2008. Actually it wasn't my very first. That one was very short and meaningless, not unlike my OTHER first.

Drum roll, please...

I will begin my blog life with a little H&P (that's history and physical for all my non-medical peeps).


I am the oldest of 4 girls, (hence the control & peace-maker issues I have) born and raised in a small town in the panhandle of TX. We are a freakishly close-knit family, all up in each other's biznez, and have had some major changes over the last 3 yrs. in chronological order:

First: Sister #3 (I am #1), who, for some ungodly reason has always proudly labeled herself "the black sheep of the family,"decided that after having 4 kids, she was done being a mom, and gave them all away. I mean she didn't like set up a lemonade stand and sit on a neighborhood corner and give them away as a door prize with a large glass, but called our mom, that I will call Big Mama, to come get them.

I would go into a thirty minute dissertation trying to explain away the turmoil her THIRD divorce must have put her thru, but bottom line: drugs+alcohol+kids=no fun. So she did what every responsible alcoholic junkie would do and stopped. Being a mom, that is.

So, embittered as I may sound, I have come to accept that the upper-class-cush life she had as a child with loving parents and very cute sisters could not compare with the roach-infested hole she can now call home. I am raising her 2nd oldest, 15 yr old daughter, B, now going on 3 years. The others are with their bio. fathers. The oldest, that lived with my mom moved out on her own.

Second major change: This past Jan 5th, my daddy passed away with a sudden heart attack. We are still reeling with the devastation. He was the funniest man I have ever known and you will see many of his famous sayings thrown into all my stories. I miss him so incredibly much and have moments of hysterical laughter talking about him that sometimes end in a sobfest. But it's good.

So Big Mama, Amy(#2), and Erin(#4) and myself are all trying to live each other's lives and tell each other other what to do without two main components in the equation.

That's the History 1 Part. Stay tuned for History 2. I promise even more humor-laced bitterness as I tell you about my ex....Here's a teaser....

preacher/glass houses/rocks 'Nuff said. For today......this blogging stuff is exhausting.

Alright, I know you are chomping at the bit and are dying to know exactly what Part 2 says, so I will put it here for you. Divert your eyes if you are feeling nauseous, bored, or could not care less.

OK in a nutshell: Married for 10 years and spouse decides to become a preacher. ( Yes, I was voted most unlikely to become a preacher's wife in high school) Moves us 400 miles south to the middle of nowhere and in the middle of my third semester of RN school decides he doesn't want to married to me anymore.

OOOKEEEE.

Now for the good stuff: the products of the 19 yrs: Kalee, the oldest and the original Diva; John David, who is undoubtedly the most laid back human alive; and Trevor, the Original Baby. We adopted Claire and her brother Cooper when they were 17 months and 5 weeks respectively.

Then there were 5...

I met the right Mr. while I was taking care of his ill father in the hospital during my fun-filled divorce. He asked me out for coffee (which everyone knows flows rampantly on the med/surg floor of the hospital and was a pretty lame pick up line all in all). So, totally liquored-up on 18 cups of full-strength Folger's, I said in my outside voice, "I have FIVE kids." There, I said it. Run, boy, run. "Yes, I know," he responded oh-so-gaggingly-sweet.

Sooo, 10 months later, all 6 of us married him.

Then we all went on our honeymoon to Breckenridge to ski. Except me. I mean I went, but I didn't (and don't) ski. I instead studied for the f'n boards like the good little graduate nurse I was. Then I got trashed and the Mr. and I snuck out and stayed in the next door neighbor's cabin after they told us they were leaving early to beat the snow storm that was rolling in.

It was wickedly fun (and loud). We snuck back before sunrise (mainly because I woke up panicking that the maid might come to clean the "empty" cabin at 5am and catch us there) and all 8 were none the wiser that we were rockin' the cabin next door. HA! SUCKAS!!

I had finally found The One that was totally and completely in love with me and thought I was the f'n BOMB.

Life is good...

My Wife Is Cwazy

This week, like many others has been crazy and I apologize for the absence in both posting and commenting. I started my diet/exercise torture and Monday barely made it through the deep breathing exercises of the Wii Fit Yoga. BTW, according to their calculations, I am apparently age 44 and borderline obese.

So with that ray of sunshine, I have begun my version of working out while trying to maintain a somewhat livable environment. I cleaned like a mad woman, vacuuming and mopping my hardwoods for four hours and almost took Andy to be euthanized because he ran into the house with muddy feet.

We have survived my husband's business audit and do not have to move into a refrigerator box under the local overpass. That in itself is worth falling on my face and crying my wails of thanks and praise because God knows how much I hate camping out because of the whole peeing-in-buckets aversion I have.

Claire turns 14 next month and has evolved into this beautiful, yet obnoxious human. I felt obliged to sit her down and inform her, "This ain't my first rodeo, sister. I know what you are thinking, what you are doing, and you cannot outsmart me," to which she replied, with finger raised, " It's 'This ISN'T your first rodeo'." Stay tuned for live footage of Mom's head blowing off her shoulders.

Speaking of footage, I will soon be posting a before picture me from Sun when I was borderline obese. I am sure by now I am centerfold ready. It HAS been four days, people. I am sore in places that I didn't even know had muscles. This could be from either working out or playing cars with Grayson, my 3 year old grandson, all weekend.

I will leave you with some sayings courtesy of Grayson, or Gwayson, as he says it:

After being disciplined by his mommy and told to stop throwing his toys in the air, he replies, "Fine. And I don't even wike your hair." That should keep mom from ever telling him "no" again.

At my mom's house, she has a basket with ceramic and reed spheres on her coffee table. Baby Kaydi Jo was helping herself to them, tasting and gumming them to her big brother's horror. So in desperation to undoubtedly save his sister, Grayson calls out, "MaMa!! Kaydi Jo is wickin' your balls!" One day he, too, will find this as funny as we do, I am sure.

On that note, I weally weally need to go workout. Cwap.

Water, Gator.

Today is busy with lots of loose ends to tie up. First and foremost, we celebrated with Tuesday Whitt's family on Saturday and went on a virtual "wagie ride" joining Em and Lee and countless others.

Secondly, here is my next project:

I am starting my workout/diet and am wondering how long it takes me to throw in the towel so excited about joining Tena. She wants me to take pictures to hold myself accountable. She is sooo funny! No, I really would take a picture, but I have my grandbaby today and don't want to scar him. So the pix will come later.

Speaking of pictures, look below for some moments of "WHA?"

Just because I am always amazed at the fashion at the Award Shows, I flew there to get the live scoop on these people. Really. Then I gave the pictures to the AP. And to prove it, here are some unknown facts from behind the scenes, just in case you missed them:

"Hey can someone hand me my pants? And don't make me laugh. I am about to pee all down my 7ft long legs."

Carrie "See My" Underwood wear
(Yes, my fat thighs with cellulite and vericose veins are green. I mean look at her legs. hate her.)
Moving right along....
I had no idea Pirates Of the Caribbean's Davy Jones sang.

"Does this hairdo make my brain look fat?"

No, dear. Looking at your dress choice, you still have the skinniest brain in Hollywood.
Aphrodite called, you know the rest....

"Here, Joey, pucker your lips like this and a little shot of botox here and you can look just like me! Am I smiling?"

The Wheels On The Bus Go Round and ZZZZZZ

After reading Deb's post on a Shuttle Driver's skills, it reminded me of a post that I had been meaning to write for 2 months now. Thanks to Deb's now oddly landscaped yard reminding me, I bring you this moment of complete insanity brought to you because of my children's school district's decision-making skills.


Dear EISD,

Thank you for finally removing the narcoleptic bus driver that held my children's lives in his sleepy hands in the quick fashion you did.

I realize 3 months may seem like a long time to some, and as a nurse who has worked ER, I completely understand the importance of remaining calm, cool, and collected. But for the love of God, CHILDREN'S LIVES WERE AT STAKE!

THREE MONTHS?

I know you may think I am just angry because I had to drive them to school AND pick them up, and to that I say, well, yeah, ok, THAT did piss me off. But my kids, who only shared with me the bus driver's "funny" driving skills of careening the bus into the car in front of him because he was asleep, were at least aware that such driving abilities were a bit out of the norm.

What about the other 40+ kids who never noticed Mr. Bus Driver was snoring or the spittle driping on his chin? My call to you BEFORE he had the multiple fender-benders, although verbalized as appreciated, was apparently poo-pooed away and passed off as another panicky mom butting in where she should not.

I will confess to enjoying multiple jokes being made in said bus driver's honor and having great material, such as, "I need a nap, I think I will go on a drive," or "Wake me up when the light turns green," as well as "I have driven this way so many times, I can do it with my eyes closed. Watch," but know I remain extremely miffed at you.

I am thinking you should add the question "Do you suffer from any illnesses that could impair your driving, such as narcolepsy?" to all future employee packets.

When the kids see this behind the wheel of the 6 ton yellow torpedo they will be traveling in to attend your school, we all have problems:

P.S. Your damn taxes are way too high.

Sincerely,

Bakery Transcriptionist Needed On Aisle 7

I received this in an email. The assumed conversation went something like this:

Walmart worker: Bakery
Customer: I need to order a cake for a going away party.
Walmart worker: What do you want on it?
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne,' underneath that, 'We will miss you'.

Below is what she received when she picked up the cake.

This would never have happened at Target.

Just Do It

It's Tuesday. It's tribute time.

Nothing can be better than raising money for childhood cancer. Jay talks about what he is willing to do to raise this money. So, if you qualify under any of the following criteria, I ask you to donate.
1. You have a healthy child.
2. You know a healthy child.
3. You have a child who has been diagnosed with something besides a clean bill of health.
4. You know someone who has an ill child.
5. You have hair.
6. You don't have hair.
7. You feel good today.
8. You feel sick today.
9. You want to see childhood cancer gone. Forever.
10. You woke up this morning.

Go here and see what you can do and how you can make a difference. I thank you in advance.

It's A Smorgasboard of Worthless Crap

The last four days have been crazy busy and today seems no different. So, to clean sweep my disorganized brain, I will give you a buffet of small tidbits to chew on until I can actually have a complete thought.

The Super Bowl was great. Commercials as a whole, not so much. My very favorite was careerbuilders.com with the "If you hate going to work everyday, and your co-workers don't respect you, you wish you were somewhere else, you cry constantly, you daydream of punching small animals, and you sit next to this guy, it's probably time." The lady behind the wheel screaming was modeled after me. I do that almost every morning.

I saw a lady pull up beside me at a red light with, and I SWEAR this is not a lie, had 16 stuffed animals lined up on her dashboard. One word: WHY

Michael Phelps smokes pot. Maybe I should be more disappointed. Maybe I should be shocked. But I am really neither. Proof that money cannot pay for good sense. Hey Michael, my 2 yr old grandson went as you for Halloween. You are a dumbass. He wore a too tight swim cap because he idolized you. He said your name as one word "MichaelPhelps". Can't you hire someone to make sure people aren't taking your picture while you act like you are a 23 year old party animal? Maybe by 2012 I will have forgiven you. Maybe.

We went to visit the boys this weekend. John David is the cook at this steak place where the filet mignon literally melts in your mouth. I ate until I literally couldn't move. I had to lean the seat back just so I could breathe for the ride home. Then Rick thought for the next 2 hours he would poke my belly to be funny. After the 2nd time, I told him if he ever wanted to have sex again, he better stop. I am guessing the sight of me laid up with my pants unzipped, listening to me moan every time we hit a bump, and saying 284 times, "Ohhh, I ate too much," was NOT a turn-on since he didn't quit. Sometimes I think a married a 15 year old.

I read The Shack on Thursday. If you haven't read it-READ IT! If you have, how did it affect you? It was undoubtedly the best book I have ever read. I plan to read it again when my husband is done with it. It is that good.

The stupid groundhog saw his shadow and Spring will be here late. I vote we do away with Phil and his predictions. My friends who are still buried in snow and ice need some good news. So to help them out, I put Andy in a hole and when he dug himself out, he didn't see his shadow. WHOO HOO!!!!!!!! Eat that, Punxsutawney Phil. You have been replaced.