Friday, October 17, 2008

Here's My Sign

It's Friday!!! It's B&M day!!! Bitchin' and moanin' like the champ I am.

This week I had issues. Issues that continuously reminded me of my ever-growing arse. I have accepted the fact that I will never be a size six again. I am 43. And a grandmother. Grandmas are supposed to be chubby and jovial and bake cookies and have a spotless house. I am clinging to the chubby jovial description. Mrs. Santa Claus is jovial and chubby and very classy in my opinion. And we redheads always go white and not grey. Doubts? Haven't you seen Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Now, thanks to Krista, I have an awesome apron, and totally fit the bill. Now where can I buy class?

Anyway, back to my issues, I saw myself as I really look. Not what I think I look like when I look down and close my eyes, but what I see in my full length mirror. Naked. How my front pokes out as much as my back. And I as stated earlier, Baby's got back. Lots of back. And now Baby's got front. So much front that while sitting, I realized that somehow I had missed exactly when it was I lost my lap. My front now sits on my thighs. I am now a double sitter. A sitter squared. I sit on my fat backside and my belly sits on my thighs.

We moved into our new home last December. Two weeks before Christmas. Moving and Christmas shopping don't mix well, so instead of spending money on fine window coverings, I bought gifts for my kids. All 8 of them. And if they were married, their spouses. And their kids. So my master bath big window over the tub got Target window coverings. Just for now. That was 10 months ago. Target curtains still up. Target curtains that are thinner than I thought.

While outside one evening, I glanced in my bathroom while the light was on. I admired my new old piece filled with all my chotskies and my new fake but real-looking ferns. Smiling, about to pat myself on the back when it struck me. I can see inside my windows. Everything. That means all the cars that have driven by our house for ten months have also seen everything at night while the lights are on.

They have seen me take a bath. They have seen me shower. They have seen me brush my teeth and scratch my boobs when I take off my bra. They have seen us do the nekkid pretzel.
So, I am overweight, a Peep Show girl, as well as a porn star now.

As I leave for work, I decide I will start walking. It's cool now and maybe I won't die. A little sweat won't kill me. I have made a decision. I will be a walker. I will get new shoes. I will do it. Starting Sunday. It's the first day of the week. It will be easier to track that way. That is how all the athletic fanatics do it. Or so I have heard.

I merge onto the highway and right in front of me is this pokey white truck with flashing yellow lights. Traffic is bumper to bumper and I cannot change lanes. I slow down and back off the white truck. There in all it's glory is my sign. WIDE LOAD. And I was stuck behind him. For 6 miles.

I am walking tonight. Right after I go buy a new lined master bath window treatment. I am feelin' lucky.


Ronda's Rants said...

I know how you feel...I am ahead of you by seven years!!! Things change...well actually they slide downhill!!! God is Hubby is blind and deaf!

Debz said...

When you find you need a forklift to shave your hoohaa, then you and I will be the same size.
I blame it 1/2 on my mom and the other 1/2 on the surgery where I was gutted like a fish and now have a scar across the abdomen that leaves me a more defined hanging gut. Sons of bitches - all of em.
Notice I take no responsibility whatsoever. It's not my fault I like food - that's moms fault too.

Diane said...

I snorted when I read 'sitter squared' :). I'm 43, too... and a walker/wheezer (wheezing... my version of running)... because I got tired of the squared (or round, as the case may be) factor. I'll be thinking of you tonight... don't die, OK? I'd miss your posts!

nikkicrumpet said...

Well DAMMIT anyway. I was making good money selling tickets outside your bathroom window. I hope you're happy now that you are gonna ruin my thriving business!!!! Sheesh woman..with the economy in the toilet I can't afford to be unemployed! Give a girl a break and leave those damn curtains alone! And my stomach SCOFFS at your stomachs efforts..Oh please we so have you beat!!!

Linda S said...

It's getting harder each day for the darn laptop to sit on the ...excuse me..LAP! time to get a desktop!

Dawn said...

Okay, you so do not have the belly that sits on your thighs! I would have noticed that!

Cracked up that you are just now realizing your curtains are see-through!! Oh boy! LOL

I hate myself naked! Blech!

Unknown said...

everything on me is headin south and it aint for the warmer weather-If i wasnt so scared of the debbil i would exercise but I am pretty sure it would kill me

Annie said...

I'd rather be behind a wide load than be the wide load.

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel--only I'm not a grandma--haven't even had a kid and I'm spreading! I started walking this week and trying not to eat any candy. This world is SO CRUEL though!

Miss to Mrs said...

Good luck with that. I hope it goes better than my 12 week plan that I set for myself. I worked out for three days and called it off. I'm sure you're more dedicated though than I was.

Unknown said...

It could be worse, at least your sign isn't dumbass

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

I am in the same boat or Wide Load truck!! I need to get my ass up and do something about it but I like complaining about it more than actually putting in the work to make it go away!....Ugh...I guess I will just go stick my nose in my Twilight books and maybe it will just go away :)

The Mom Jen said...

You are much too hard on yourself, I'm trying to come to terms with my front-butt...and how it's bigger than my real butt. *sigh* said...

That's me you were driving behind with the sign Wide Load. I got back and front and sides too and the only excuse I can come up with is that I cook way too good. It would be a shame to throw out or let good food good to waste, right?

You may not like seeing yourself in the buff but I'm sure your neighbors are loving it!!

In fact, I think I'll go to youtube and see if you have been made famous yet!

Can I have your autograph?

binks said...

stop making me crack up at work, people are starting to notice.
As a fellow belly lap sitter (which is convenient as a laptop table, BTW), I too was on your path to flat stomachedness. Alas, that path has become so overgrown with serious weeds, that it makes me stumble into the kitchen at every turn. I am, however, doing the jelly belly wiggle on Monday nights.

I think I saw that strip tease you did the other night on Youtube. Swinging that sexay new apron around like that was the perfect touch. ;)

Anonymous said...

I have to clear all this up. The correct term for the tummy that behaves that way is "Muffin Top". It doesn't make it look any better, but at least it SOUNDS cuter right?

I've birthed 2 babies so yes, even I have one at 31 years of age. I can only imagine how it will look in another 10 + years.

Weight is a constant battle. One that gets harder and harder to win with age. It seems so unfair that we are surrounded by so many wonderful foods that are bad for us. Why can't lettuce taste like cheesecake?

Julie D said...

Wait, you were a size 6 once? Bitch! I haven't been a 6 since I freaking WAS 6.

I'm totally with Deb on the forklift issue. Ugh.

GoteeMan said...

What the hell is it that causes metabolism to slow starting at like 25, stop at 30, and go in reverse at 40????

I am not eating that much (ok, I lie, I stress eat sometimes and pretend I don't), but geez, I can look at a doughnut and gain weight...

J/ (

Tenakim said...

At least you have found excuses to start walking- all I can do is find excuses NOT to.

Ash said...

Oh my God - that's YOUR house!?

And seriously, thanks for making me feel very tired - at 43, I'll have an 11 and 8-year-old. I think that makes me too mature to have to join the PTA.


Jenni said...

I was going to go for a walk but I decided to read blogs instead. BUT, I am flexing my buttocks as I comment so it's all good.

Jenn And The City said...

ROFL! Just think of how much better you'll feel after your walk. Right????


QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

I agree with Deb.. I also look like a gutted fish and my ass well thats another continent and plus I am stil trying to get rid of pregnancy pounds(even though my baby is 20) and right now in this time of my life screw whomever if they don't like the way I look. As long as I don't have to wear a tent I'm a friggin happy camper!

Lisa L said...

Jill. This will make a little bit of vomit come into your mouth, but I 'think' I have developed a 'pannus'. EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW If it gets any bigger I'm going to get that disgusting yeastie stuff under it! I HATE CLEANING PEOPLES' PANNUS's. That could possibly be right up there as no. 1 worst nursing job. (I may have spelled that wrongly)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

At the risk of sounding all me-too-ish, it sounds like we should have a 43-year-old club! If you swear to start walking on Sunday, then I'll swear it too. Yep, I'm right with you, swearing all over it.

Suzann said...

I'm 42, not a grandma, but in the same boat. Okay, perhaps we're both just on the same highway. With the week I have had, the exact same realization came to my mind today as well. I was on the expressway dodging those psychos who think it's an indy race and I'm screaming "I'll run you down you moron - I'm driving the millennium falcon" (or so I'm told). I am starting my plan on Sunday too, but for a whole different set of reasons. Okay, we both are sporting the sitter squared, but my reason for starting on Sunday is different than yours. Perhaps a year from now we'll both be half the women we are today (at least that's MY plan) and we can look back on days like today and kick up our heels and laugh off what used to be our doompas. LOL

Carissa(GoodnCrazy) said...

I think you are a big skinny liar. Or else that photo at the top there is a liar.

All the jeans anymore have been re-sized UP, so a 4 is a 10, so go buy a size 4 and feel better!

Wide arse...

Window coverings are...nice though?

careysue said...

I feel your pain...I was just looking at a diet supplement web-site when I left it and went to check on more bloggers...

No matter what I do, I can't lose the ten I put just stays and torments me day after day. Soon I will turn almost 49 and I have to get it's just not fair!!!

Good luck you can do it!!!!

Nicole said...

My kids think it's funny to poke my back fat when I'm sitting down and leaning forward! Like it's freakin play doh or something!!!! Then my middle one tells me that I have a fat booty, or I have a baby in my tummy. Nice kids huh. I can't figure out how to get rid of this "muffin top" crap.

binks said...

@jennifer suarez
Muffin top makes me think of a skinny girl with some excess skin. I think that if your tum tum is resting on your thunder thighs it is more like a bundt cake.

Sorry to hijack your comments JJ. ;D

Rhonda said...

Oh. My. Stars! You poor gal! Although it is really freaking funny.....

I went to an exercise class last week, and the teacher had us run laps for warm up. (Okay, just FYI teacher dear, running laps IS the work out!) I jog really slow. And with the whole shakin my booty thing, I itch. I itch from neck to ankles. And I get all rashy and stuff. It's awful!

But that wasn't the point I was trying to make.

I jogged. My husband laughed. I scratched. My children giggled as they passed me. I scratched some more. (We're talking ancient chinese torture here!)

One lap to go and the instructor calls us aside and says okay, this time, run as hard as you can. And you walkers (she included me in this group) set a short goal and really run hard and then walk for a bit.

So, did you notice what I just said? She grouped me with the walkers.

I WAS running you stupid, skinny, brainless thing!

NucMEd is Hot said...

I think the people on the street probably loved the ppep show. I would set up a stand and charge admission.

PS You're beautiful and you know it, flaunt what you've got.

Anonymous said...

OMG, you have the funniest post and your blog friends are just as funny. Now, maybe someone, that is waaay smarter than I am , should start a blog that we could check into with our walk for the day, I would sign up, that's for sure. My old ticker is yelling for me to get up off my ass and start doing something healthy. :)


Deb said...

Man, I guess that means all those funny YouTube videos of you scratching your boobs will become collector's items.

At my old house, our blinds didn't work so well, so the neighbors got treated to quite the show. One of them actually rang my doorbell and told me that everyone could see me naked. Not the best Welcome Wagon. She didn't even bring cookies.

Julie D said...

Morning, sunshine! Just catching up on my blog reading...I already commented on this earlier but I came back to say gravity is not my friend, when I can get a mammogram and a pedicure all at once.

Mamahut said...

Hey jjbb, I seen the pictures of your little party last weekend, you are not fat. I can sit a "diet" pepsi on my belly while I type on this blog. I wouldn't have a clue what the backside looks like cuz I ain't lookin. I'm 43 too! I love where I'm at mentally...blissfully unaware of the universe...but I want my goddamn 30 yr old body back! I don't think I will ever see her again and it pisses me off. I hate it. But hey were still gettin around and we're happy right? RIGHT? I think Deb and I had the same doc. I have also been gutted but mine is sideways or horizontal and I have two holes that look like buttholes in my muffin's real pretty...I should do a post "What is this" hahahaha

And if you looked sooooo bad wouldn't someone have told you? No your neighbors are gonna be pissed when you hang new curtains! :)

Ginger said...

Hi Jill:
This is my first visit to your blog (I came over from Chris's Corner). Your blogs have got to be the funniest I've ever read. I loved the "We had a ball" blog.
I was actually sitting here by myself laughing outloud with tears running down my face.

nikkicrumpet said...

You are such a DORK!!! I just read your comment and I'm laughing hysterically...and at my age that is NEVER a good idea! If I don't pee myself you know I'm gonna pull a muscle! And people only come and see me because I pay them...and because they're hoping to get to rub shoulders with you...well some of them want to rub other things...but I can't even go there! Thanks for the laughs!

That Janie Girl said...

You're too funny.

As to the belly and the beeehind, I so totally comprende.

amelia bedelia said...

beep....beep....beep...beep....(that's me backing up!)

Justine said...

OMG, this nearly killed me, because you're ME! Well, I'm sure I'm a hell of a lot fatter than you, but girl, I know what you mean about the tummy sitting on the thighs. I haven't seen my nether region in YEARS. I guess that can be a good thing though. Who wants to look at that anyway?

But I digress. You having sheer curtain on your bathroom window for 10 months and NOT REALIZING IT is one of the funniest damn things I've heard in quite a while. Oh my, your neighbors must LOVE you.

Justine :o )

Maggie R said...

Hi Jill,
Now that I have picked myself up off the floor I can tell you .... You have released all the endorphins I needed to-day to rev up my metabolism... What a good laugh I had...
I gotta tell you , it is my first visit here and when I first saw your picture I thought you were "Elaine" from Seinfeld!!!! Seriously!!!!
I was reading all your comments and from what I gather you are all in an age group I would LOVE to return to...
I feel the way you all do but when I got sick last April I was put on prednisone... Miserable side effects....Need I say more!!!!
At least you can cover up the "Wide Load"...
In my negative state of mind over the weight gain etc which I have no control over.., one of my dear friends told me to sit down and write 2 columns.. One for the things I am thankful for and then a column of the things I am not thankful for. Guess what.... The thankful column won and now I seem to feel better!!!!!
Life's short....wear sequins !

Kgirl said...

Oh you are way too hard on yourself. At least you do it with it and I'm still laughing.

Debz said...

I'm back and I have forklifted the gut up and over to the left and shaved the hoohaa. Was that TMI? Cause you know I have no idea how to censor myself.

Where are you all?? No one is ever around anymore. Did you take that job flipping burgers? And asking do you want fries with that?? If you did, send me something cause I'm hungry and you probably get a discount...

Unknown said...

I didn't pee, the nurses were SO great and I missed you!

shutter girl said...

Go, girlie...since I am going to be tortured by Bubba starting on Monday, you should start a new torture program, too. We can be masochistic exercise debbils together!

BTW, we got home tonight and there were empty milk bone boxes all over the house and tons of "Lassie does Texas" on the TIVO...would Andy and Gus happen to know anything about that????

Julie D said...

Um, just FYI, it's not Friday anymore.

Dawn Marie said...

woowwwweeeee, so that was you i saw on my walks???? lmao OH MAN i didnt realize someone else scratches their boobs when they take their bra off..whats up with that???

OHH i know no one sees me in my tiny little bathroom...but if they did, they wouldnt bother coming back for more views! I'm fluffy all over and its just horrid. I always ask my husband who feeds me at night when i'm sleeping!

Texasholly said...

Holy crap girl!

I found out about how little my windows were frosted when my neighbor who had the same builder gave me a show I still have nightmares about! Oh, great. Now I can't sleep tonight.

Kritta22 said...

Do you pay all these people to visit your site? Fifty freaking comments! And a porn star?!! You must be rolling in the dough!
Someone said you were waving around the apron while making a video....just make sure you put my name on the credits! :)
You are Porn star!

Brenda said...

OMG! I found out the same thing about my master bathroom window one night while I was hanging out at the neighbor's house!

Good luck with the walking!

Jay @halftime lessons said...

I loved this really are a great writer.

Unknown said...

Okay, that's pretty funny about the window...

Thrifty Decor Chick said...

You are so stinkin funny, I love it!! I get like that and then the whole urge is gone by that night. I'm over it. :)

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