Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Name-dropping and Teeny Tiny Foreigners

I just want to say that the people you meet on a cruise and share almost meal with, become your "family" on the ship. We sat at a table that had the most AWESOME couples and just fell in love with them. I even was more pumped to go to dinner than normal, just to laugh and visit with these people. I apologetically name-dropped some of YOUR names when they told us which state they lived in. Sorry if you wanted to remain anonymous.
This is Morris and Donnette from Connecticut. They didn't know you, Nikki Crumpet. But their dogs HAD heard of your dogs.
Another couple was from Ohio. They didn't know you, Jules, but they were wonderful, so you need to look them up. The last couple was from Puerto Rico. I have no blog buds from there, so everyone is safe. I don't have pictures of them since I always had too much wine at dinner and totally forgot to snap one. Sorry.

At St Thomas, which, yes AFF, was totally the shiznik, we went on a tour with a group of ladies on another ship that were from England. They were hysterical and even when they said things like, "What is that building?" or "It is so hot here," I was cracking up at them. Their accent was so great. I could have listened to them  all 7 days. Plus, they told us when they went back to their ship, we were "a delightful couple". Smart and funny. Perfect combo.

I really think there is something wrong with me. Just riding in van for the short tour with these ladies, I was talking like them, using the same inflections and verbage they used. I couldn't help it. It was getting on Rick's last nerve and when I would talk, he would jerk his head to look at me with this wide-eyed frown on his face. I would just look at him and in my best English accent I would say, "What?" Then for the rest of the day I said "spot of tea" and "smoke a faggot" like a million times. I was freakin' hilarious and cracking myself up.

We gambled every night and won and lost and won and lost, but it was quite entertaining. I had this favorite machine and spent most of my time on it, feeding it all my money. On Wed. I went to go sit at MY machine and there was this tiny little Puerto Rican lady sitting there. Poor thing. It was a nickle machine, but I had played it so much, I knew when to bet a  nickle on one line or all 9 lines. But she didn't. She had no clue what she was doing and was betting one nickle on one line. For an hour. I hovered. I sighed and gave her the 'get-off-my-machine-you-tiny-little-woman' look. I even asked her if she would be playing it all night. She, of course, spoke no English and just glared at me. I was literally Jonesing to get on that machine, and with turtle like movements she pushed one button and drove me INfreakinSANE. So, after an hour, I gave up and went and threw away $40 on another machine.

The next night, I literally ran down to the casino, thinking that freakishly teeny woman was NOT going to take my machine tonight. I rounded the corner, digging my twenty out of the front my bra and came to screeching halt. There she sat, only now she was accompanied by her freakishly tiny husband. She looked up and gave me the stink eye and I slinked off. The rest of the week, I would see her during the day and we would glare at one another, then look at our watches to see if the casino was open yet. I would be there at 3pm to play my machine and she ALWAYS beat me there. I think she was slipping thru cracks like a mouse to get to that damn machine. That is the only explanation there is. I would see her sitting in a chair up on the deck and so I would take the stairs to the casino, only to find her already there. I was beginning to think there were 2 of her. Or she was magic. But she never won, so she wasn't magic. I don't think. She stressed me out the rest of the cruise.

Speaking of stressing me out, my daughter Kalee told Grayson, who is now THREE, "Grayson, you are stressing me out." Ten minutes later, he said to me,"GiGi, you are stretching me out." So that is now the way we will say it. Don't stretch me out. I need a drink, I am stretched out. God, I LOVE that kid.

37 comments:

binks said...

That freakishly small Puerto Rican probably saved you $700 in losses.
Of course, now that you're INfreakinSANE, you will need that money for therapy.
I do exactly the same thing when I'm around the Brits and get those same husband looks.
Sounds like you guys had fun.

Soxy Deb said...

Sounds like you guys had such fun.
Now I need to go lay down. I'm very stretched out.

Diane said...

I'm stretched out. I oh, so many ways. Sigh.

nikkicrumpet said...

WHAT??? THey didn't know me?? Sheeesh those people need to get out more! I was rolling over your casino story...I get like that when I go to a gambling establishment. I have been known to make these little "out of order" signs and tape them on a machine when I have to go potty. Seriously...and it usually works as long as you're not gone long!

Robin said...

Don't you just hate when you get all stretched out? Whew!
PS- That little old lady was just bogarting my slot machine in Atlantic City! How does she freaking do it!

Julie said...

OK Bridget Jones...it sounds like you had a jolly good time. Smoking a fag...cracked me up.

I'll be tracking that couple from Ohio down. Should have a lead on them by lunch.

Tenakim said...

I'm having a very strechful day- thanks for the chuckle- Grayson!

Scary Mommy said...

Grayson is just too damn cute for words! I wish I didn't get horribly seasick- the cruise sounds awesome!

Tiffany said...

Um you know who else is from England? Robert freaking Pattinson aka Edward. I LOVE his accent.

And Grayson is so damn cute!

Deb said...

grayson doesn't look like he could stress anybody out!
wasn't there a voodoo doll on any of islands that you could use against the tiny gambling woman? i'm surprised you didn't take more drastic measures to get rid of her.

Jess said...

Aw, Grayson is so cute. You'd better put a trademark on that saying, I see it catching on real quick!

Dawn said...

ROFL!! I so want to take a cruise sometime with you and Rick! We'd have a blast!

jsprik said...

sounds like a great time, i am often stretched out!! too frickin' cute!!! hugs nd prayers...

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

The Holidays and my sons upcoming Birthday have me stretched out beyond belief!

Glad you had a good time and it sounds like that lady did save ya some nickels :)

Ronda's Rants said...

How fun? I do the same thing with accents..only they are all with a really bad southern twang!
I wish my pants would stretch me out!

Swirl Girl said...

I woulda smacked the tiny woman with my big purse ' nickels.

That was your machine - didn't she read it in the Compass?

Mariah said...

Don't stretch me out either...

Sounds like a blast, I wonder if I would survive a cruise with my impulsiveness and my lack of control. I'd be drunk, poor and probably overboard within 2 days

Annie said...

May today be a stretch-free day for you, funny lady!

LMAO- I never won on a cruise casino machine.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Grayson is the cutest! I'm all stretched out here too!!!

Janie said...

I love that.

I stretched out, myself.

Loving that Grayson. He's one beautiful kid.

Okay. Meeting for brunch with hubbies at Trulucks on Sunday in the big D? Or what????

Kritta22 said...

Only you would fight with a little lady! I wish I was there...we could have tag teamed her!!
She would totally stretch me out too! (Love it!!)

Jay @halftime lessons said...

Ok...

Im just saying...

Old people can fall over easy.

There. I said it.

next time be assertive.


;-)

PS- I am one broken hip away from no longer finding humor in this joke.

amelia bedelia said...

only you sister!

Grayson!!! My gosh, I laughed out loud!

Heather said...

You so make me want to go on a cruise.

georgie said...

LMAO....oh the stink eye!!!
we were invited on a cruise in late March but not sure if will go mr gp hates the sun,the water,all things sandy LOL yiyiyiyi
glad your home and I am gigglin with Graysons new lango!

Candid Carrie said...

I think a cruise ship would be so much fun because you don't need to keep relocating your stuff. They just keep relocating you!

I need a bumper stick that says: my other car is a cruise ship.

And another bumper sticker that says: my other grandchild is Grayson.

My real life granddaughter's name is Grace and I need another bumper sticker that says: Grace and Grayson are stretching me out.

And in thirty years we'll need matching bumper stickers that will say: Grace and Grayson finally get married. Yes, this is the second marriage for each of them. Don't you know who their grandmommies are?

Love and missed you, Carrie

gingela5 said...

Maybe the Puerto Rican woman was a ghost sent to torment you and only you on that cruise ship! My husband stretches me out too...but that's another story for another time...haha

Jenni Jiggety said...

On our first cruise we sat at dinner with a family from Puerto Rico and only the daughter spoke English. It was NOT FUN.

nikkicrumpet said...

OH REAL NICE YOU HAG....You let Martha buy your loyalty with pie??? PIE??? Dang woman...I would have defended your crappy topiary-christmas-shrubbery to my death...or until she whipped out some chocolate! And thanks for adding to my comment count hehehe
I ♥ YOU BIG TIME!

Vodka Mom said...

I would like to find the little bastard that stretched ME out!

great post. I would have TOTALLY taken out that lady for you. bitch.

AFF said...

Honey lamb: have I not told you hot English/Scottish accents would cause me to drop my knickers in the street to do the nasty with ugly fugly men? It is the BEST accent.

St Thomas? Heavenly! ALMOST as good as Grand Cayman.

Eudea-Mamia said...

Great, first Madonna, now you.

Wonderful.

I'll pop over for some fish and chips!

Em

Tiffany T said...

I don't really remember the lovely couples at our cruise table - except that one gentleman was retired from the Navy, and when I referred to the ship as a "boat", he about lost his mind :). Oh well, I almost said boat over and over again just to see him squirm. But I didn't.

I love slots. The more entertaining the bonus round, the more money I'll sink into it :).

Jill said...

I am so glad you had fun! I would be too tired to deal with Christmas after the trip you had! I love meeting new people when I am on vacation.

Deb said...

Stretched out? Aha!! That is what is wrong with me!! My therapist hasn't been able to tell me that...Grayson is a genius!

Justine said...

If that woman was so damn tiny, you could have just tossed her over your shoulder, then throw her overboard! That's what I woulda done. Really. Maybe.

Justine :o )

MoNiQuE said...

She's so cute.
Greetings from the PhiLippines!!!