Monday, December 29, 2008

'Twas 3 Nights After Christmas

'Twas 3 nights after Christmas, when all thru the house,
Not a creature was stirring, we thought, not even a mouse.
The stockings were packed in the attic with care,
In hopes I could find them next year right up there.

The children were at their dad's or in their own beds,
While visions of Clean and Quiet danced in our heads.
With ma in her sweats and dad in his cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out in the garage there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter.
Away down the hall I flew like a flash,
Tore open the door and fell on my ash. (Work with me here)

The light on the breast of the new-fallen bimbo
Gave light to the water I slipped in, above and below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a mouse with a sticky pad trap stuck to it's rear.

With the little old mouse, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment I needed to call for Rick.
More rapid than eagles his footsteps they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called out by name!

"Now Dammit! Now Mother! Now Effer and Shitter!
That stupid mouse! I will just hit her!
To the top of the entrance, to the top of the garage wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So inside the garage the mouse and man flew,
With it's ass full of sticky pad trap, and St Rickolas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. (I know, mice don't have hooves,
work with me here, too!)
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Over the boxes St Rickolas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in sweat, from his head to his ash,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and trash.
A giant broom he had flung over his back,
And he looked like a mad man, or someone on crack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The blob of Redman he held tight between his gum and his cheek,
And the smoke out of his ears encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a mad face and me, a little round belly,
That shook when I laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
I was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him running around, in spite of myself!

A wink of his eye and a twist of the broom's head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And beat the poor mouse to death, then turned with a jerk.

And with his finger pushing his glasses up on his nose,
And giving a nod, off the garage floor he rose!
He sprang to his feet, to his wife gave a whistle,
And I wondered what the hell was the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he came into sight,
"I think I blew out my knee, but I will be alright!"

44 comments:

Janie said...

Silly girl.

You flatout rock at rhyming.

You could have been a white rapper.

Rhonda said...

OMG!! Very well done!!!

Jay @halftime lessons said...

LMAo I loved this...

Effer and Shitter...hilarious!!

Dont forget today is the last day you can enter for Deb's and my Grand Prize Giveaway...come see!!

Vodka Mom said...

That was FANTASTIC! You kicked ass. (ALthough I don't think I can use that particular rendition in kindergarten...)

Chris said...

Jill, your pretty good. Had me laughing. There are so many creative people in Blogland. And your one of them.

Hugs,
Chris

Ronda's Rants said...

so funny...:)

ann said...

PRETTY CUTE...ANN.HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YA.

J'Ollie Primitives said...

Happy New Year to St. Rickolas & all of your elves!

Tiffany said...

LMAO At St. Rickolaus. If you were a rapper you could be white bread. LOL

Mariah said...

Did Janie call you a White Rapper?? HAHA! I agree...

Deb said...

it's official... you're a genius.

oh and how shameless is jay?

Mrs4444 said...

Simply hilarious. Well-done :)

Sidney (Sixy Mama) said...

Freakin' hysterical! I'm LMAO right now! You be quite da poet!

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

I bow to you

Megryansmom said...

Well better to beat him to death than to give him a cookie.....because if you give a mouse a cookie.....

Ritch in Love said...

Thank you Thank you for the laugh! Michael and I were laughing hysterically!

Swirl Girl said...

so, how's your ash?

I worked with you on that...

Diane said...

That made me laugh my ash off!

Dawn said...

OMG!!!!! Jill, YOU ARE HYSTERICAL!!! How on earth do you do it? I'd have to spend days working on something like that!

I'm so laughing at St. Rickolas! Classic! Tell St. Rickolas I said hi! :)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

nice job!

I suck at rhyming. My husband bought me a rhyming dictionary for Christmas. I shit you not. How romantic is THAT?

amelia bedelia said...

wow, you made that up all by yourself! I actually saw the little shit in her garage!!

Elaine A. said...

What a great recap of your "Mousecapades!" You're so creative! : )

LuckyMe said...

That was sooo funny!
And beat the poor mouse to death. Poetic. Justice.

Nicole said...

Hilarious! I couldn't do that if my life depended on it.

imjacobsmom said...

I laughed my ash (work with me here) off! This was great! ~ Robyn

Eudea-Mamia said...

OMG - seriously sister, you are amazing.

You're going to laugh, but the one thing I took away from this...

your stockings are already packed away in the attic!?

Want to come do my house?

Hope your ash is feeling better.

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Now Dammit! Now Mother! Now Effer and Shitter!

I roared out loud on that one!

Too, TOO funny!

Jenni Jiggety said...

Bahahahahahaha! An instant holiday classic!

Cynthia said...

Awesome! And you stayed fairly true to the original words while completely reshaping the meaning. Well played!

I did my own version of "Twas the Week Before Christmas" on my blog but yours is MUCH more accurate (and funny I think).

Heinous said...

LOL...too funny. Nice work on the poesy. I lack the motivation to pull off rhyme.

6HappyHearts said...

Ok this was AWESOME!!! And we too had a a lil' field mouse that tried to make his home in our garage.
Love the last two posts : )
Happy New Year!!

nikkicrumpet said...

SHEEESH I'm calling PETA you damn mouse murderers!!! And lets not mention the homicide commited on the poem hehehehe

nikkicrumpet said...

SHEEESH I'm calling PETA you damn mouse murderers!!! And lets not mention the homicide commited on the poem hehehehe

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

That is some funny chit. You did such a good job.

St. Rickolas is so fitting, love it!

Kritta22 said...

You crack me up! So creative!!

Sabrae Carter said...

Very well written! Loved it!

Justine said...

You frickin' lunatic! Did you really have a mouse in the garage? And did Saint Rickolas really kill the poor, defenseless thing? LOL

Justine :o )

Debbie said...

Now this is why I don't delete the older posts from my reader! What a masterpiece. You outdid yourself on this one. Loved every line - even your ash.

Soxy Deb said...

This should be published. Too funny.

I have missed you so. I know you all are having a rough time right now. Just know that I am thinking of you and call me if you need to talk.

{{HUGS}}

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