Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I Am Such A Loser

All the women in my family are Domestic Goddesses.

They love to cook, clean, organize, and they hum when they do all these things.

I only do these things because I have to. And I never hum when doing them.

My sister, Amelia Bedelia cooks almost every night. Home cooking from scratch. Fried, baked, yummy dishes. My mom makes the best pies with homemade crusts. My grandmother and aunt have their talents of cooking extravagant meals, have closets that hold labled color-coded boxes and never have to rummage through drawers looking for scissors. Even Erin keeps her house so clean, you can eat off her floor. I do good to prepare a skillet meal that you dump in the pan and stir and serve 10 minutes later.

So when Amy was here this past weekend, she and Rick were talking about cooking and she says, "If you go the stuff, I will make you chicken fried steak." Rick was absolutely giddy and immediately left to go the store. She prepared the delicacy and Rick ate until he was sick. Then he did the unthinkable.

He called Amy when she got home and asked her to send him the week's menu she would be preparing. He said, without using words, that I am failing in the Good Wife competition. So she called me to get his email and when she told me what it was for, I laughed. After I told her she was a jerk for being so domestic and making me look bad. Then I hung up and immediately felt like a big fat loser.

As I watched Rick listen to Amy and mom talk about food and the preparation of it, I saw his eyes glaze over and realized I suck as a homemaker. I have cheated him out of wonderfully cooked meals and organized closets. I have never greeted him with my pearls and A-line skirt and heels and I don't even own an apron. I don't have his smoking jacket draped over my arm and his pipe waiting, packed with his favorite tobacco. I am sure he would love it, if he smoked a pipe.

Because his schedule is so sporadic, he may be home at 6, but most of the time it's 7 or 8. So I have used that as an excuse to do the quick dinners that can be prepared in 30 minutes or less. Meals like spaghetti, tacos, and frozen lasagna. I CAN cook, I just would rather not. I am terrible. And now, because I saw the reaction from Rick, I have to do better.

I had put a roast in the crock pot before I left for work yesterday and once home, made mashed potatoes, and broccoli with velveeta cheese sauce. Baby steps, people. The tea was ready, the table set, and I even contemplated using candles, but I didn't want to set any unreachable precedents.

The kids emerged from their rooms, following like bloodhounds, the smell that had wafted up to them . They step into the kitchen and say, "Who is coming over?" Again, stabbed with the reality that I suck.

The roast was so tender that it fell apart and splashed it's greasy broth all over the new shirt I had just gotten on Saturday. I burned my hand on the cheese sauce for the broccoli. And my hand is still cramped from peeling and cutting the potatoes.

Man, this Domestic Goddess crap is hard.

Good thing I am good in bed.


Tiffany said...

Yea I suck at it too. I don't get home til 6:00 at night and Speedy can't wait that long. Speedy is gonna turn into a chicken nugget. I CAN bake though. At least I can make them a bunch of fatasses.

Julie D said...

Aw, I was seriously June Cleaver when I was married. Cooked every night, spotless house, ironed my husband's clothes every morning. And the weird thing is that I really, really loved doing those things. I actually miss being a wife.

Oh yeah, I was totally great in bed as well. And he still had an affair. Go figure.

Unknown said...

I LOVE to cook-but it is not beneath me to use Hamburger helper cheeseburger macaroni or Tuna Helper-the crockpot is our friend!
here is an easy peasy recipe-

Get a big roast whatever cut you prefer-put it in the crock pot pour in a package of lipton onion dry soup mix and cover the roast with water-let it cook all day then take a fork and shred it in the crockpot-serve on hoagies and top with swiss,provolone or mozzarella cheese

as far as cleaning my house should be declared a diaster zone-yep it's that bad...

lastly i am thinkin if you greeted him at the door in nothing more than your pearls he wouldnt care about dinner! ;-)

Unknown said...

Yeah, whatever to that.
We used to order pizza so often Wyatt thought the pizza guy was his Dad... he brought food, took money and split.

I can relate though, my sister is a goddess in her designer froo froo kitchen, cooking things I can't even pronounce.
Like vegatables.

J'Ollie Primitives said...

My daily vow is to cook something. Anything. Just to prove that I still can. Oh and so that skinny man that lives here can fatten up a little.

Am I gonna go to hell for not keeping a promise?

Kritta22 said...

How about we switch? You clean my house and I'll cook. Is that a fair trade?
Everytime we go to someone else's house I get the, "See how nice it is walking on clean floors...or wow she doesn't have laundry everywhere and she has three kids."
Yeah I suck at cleaning. I totally hear you!

Diane said...

Oh, you are not alone... well, maybe in your family ;)

I laughed out loud at the 'good in bed' comment.

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

Well Jill, I thought me and Amy were one but I have come to realize I am more like you! I am not so good on the housewife chart. My Hubby does most of the cooking and half of the laundry. The cleaning lady does the house and I blog :)

Danyele Easterhaus said...

way to go sister on the cooking thing! good work. baby steps....just keep doing baby steps. i guess i'm blessed with a bro, so anything i do is awesome!

amelia bedelia said...

I still didn't get Rick's email!!! love ya!

Rhonda said...

Okay, now Jill, don't go making the rest of us look bad. Remember that you, too, work outside the home and while we are women and are capable of so many things all at once, we must be allowed to suck at something.

Besides, given the choice, I'm sure he'd rather you be good in bed than in the kitchen. Unless of course, you are doing THAT in the kitchen. In which case, oh crap. I'm just gonna' shut up now.

The Mom Jen said...

LMAO! I'm exactly like you, to the very last sentence!! ;) *wink*

Everytime I *try* I get "eewww what's THAT?!" or "that smells funny" or "I just want bagel bites" and that's just from my husband!

Kgirl said...

well from a "returning loser" (read my post) to a "such a loser"...don't beat yourself up. Pick one day a week and show him what you are capable of...besides don't you have a brood of kids to take care of? That makes YOU a GODDESS in itself!

Lisa said...

I get the evil eye from the cashier at the supermarket every week as she rings up my 3-days worth of TV dinners. I do cook a huge dinner on Sunday, but other than that it is usually something frozen or quick. Hot dogs and mac 'n cheese anyone??

shutter girl said...

When Bubba was deployed, BoyBoy and I OD'd on microwave meals...then, I realized the greatest diet secret of all...make BoyBoy a microwave meal for him and open a bottle of wine for me! That's my idea of cooking!

Debz said...

I agree with you, small steps.
You can add a little something here and there to make it look like it's not the same boring dish you always make. You know, add a little garlic or a cream sauce to soemthing. Cooking is really a lot easier than it seems. Watch some Rachel Ray and her 30 minute meals - you will be amazed at what you can do in such a short period of time.
Don't lose faith in your domestic goddess abilities. You can do it.

Luv ya!!

Tenakim said...

I was good at first too(in the kitchen, that is- I am still a goddess in the sack!). But as the kids have gotten older and more expensive, he has worked more and the schedules are harder to work around- that's not even to mention picky eaters! I do, however, keep my house spotless still- so if I DO cook, they CAN eat off the floor if need be.

chocolatecovereddaydreams.blogspot.com said...

I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let my boo forget he's a man cause I'm a WOMAN....hahaha

I do love to cook but after working all day, the kitchen is the last place I want to be. I like the crockpot recipes....fast, easy and you can forget all about it until dinner time.

Annie said...

My best friend and her hub were here a few weeks ago. When they left he asked why she didn't learn anything from me after living together all those years. I'm sure she had dagger eyes for me.
You just need a handful of good, easy things to fool him with!

Anonymous said...

You are so NOT a loser--I don't even have kids and I hardly ever cook for the hubby! It's hard! Since I don't get home most night til 6:30 I just do like you--quick things. Maybe I should try a little harder! Thanks for the inspiration!

Swirl Girl said...

I love to cook - but it usually involves wine and lots of it.

Hubby is the creative kitchen wonder around here. I just could never equate the time it takes to prepare a 'scratch' meal and the 2 minutes it takes to eat it.

I'm all about the time:value continuum.

Linda S said...

I suck at the house stuff and apparently sex too, hence the divorce. I'm good at...ok i waited 30 seconds and nothing came out. I'm going on to the next blog.

NucMEd is Hot said...

If you provide food for everyone, then you do not suck as a homemaker. I have never seen it written that every meal has to be a mf episode of Martha Stewart Living. I think people should just be thankful that they don't have to fend for themselves. At least that's what I tell my children. I can cook like a fiend, but I refuse to spend time I don't have trashing my kitchen just to make some five course freak show that no one will appreciate enough to make it worth my while.

I say you feed them...that's makes you awesome.

marykay said...

I am totally with Julie on this one, I was the Martha Stewart on my block. House was spotless, dinner always homemade and I looked great if I do say so myself, then the SOB left me for someone he met on the internet! Now I am a total slacker!

cIII said...

And you know what's Awesome after Hot Sex? Quick, Readily Available food. See. You win each way.

Boo-ya and Bow-chicka-boww-woww.

Anonymous said...

I am just like you. I suck and I don't care. Cause no matter how bad I am? Apparently I'm better than my MIL. So hubby thinks I'm great.

And, if Rick had to pick between cooking and the sack race? I imagine he would say where are those shoes?

Shelley said...

I absolutely hate to cook. I cook a couple of nights a week. The rest is sandwich night or eat out. I'm tired at the end of the day too. Who says he can't cook?
As for being good in bed, well, let's just say, it's been a while. He's too tired.
As for the movie, it just came out in the theatres this past weekend. It should be out on DVD in about two months though.
Kirk Cameron is so much sexier now that he has aged a bit and is playing a serious character.
Like my granny always said, It's okay to look at the menu as long as you eat at home.

Candid Carrie said...

O M G ... As I was reading and feeling sorry for situation I just kept thinking to myself, "ha ... you're probably good in bed." And then you said it. A woman knows these things about other women.

Like, I am not a lesbian but if I was one, well I'd probably be really good at it. I'd be willing to bet the same thing about you.

careysue said...

I laughed out loud reading this post! You speak for a lot of us!

Anonymous said...

Seriously?? Don't do this to yourself woman. I felt inferior for 13 years trying to live up to the perfect mormon mother in-law. Cook because you want to, not because you feel like you are letting people down. (like husband) paaalllleease! There is nothing wrong with spaghetti! Or frozen skillet meals! And was the sex any better because you made a roast? So, why stress yourself? LIFE is too short!!!!

Dawn said...

Awww thanks for your honesty. It makes some of us not feel so alone. :)

You last comment was funny!

When my husband and I were just dating he came home to me in a french maid teddy ... I'd cooked a nice meal and had candles lit. I think we ate one bite of the food and then moved on to dessert! LOL

I never did that again 1) because I outgrew that little french maid outfit and 2) because I worked so hard on dinner and didn't get to really enjoy it! LOL

Anonymous said...

The Crock Pot is the way to go for just about anything.

Google "Crock Pot (enter the meat, vegetable, small children (oops - that is for the REALLY bad days)" and you will get about eleventy million recipes returned.

I haven't had much luck with whole birds though. They come out looking awful and require you to hurry with the preparation before someone sees it or they won't eat it.

Last night was a hot dog by the kitchen sink and tonight at my house is chicken alfredo (thank you Macaroni Grill fast helper box), salad and crescent rolls. I'm anything but consistent.

Wanna come over?

Deb said...

Umm...which shirt got stained?

Jenn And The City said...

You crack me up. I'd tell you to give yourself a break, but I don't think you need me to.