Friday, September 26, 2008

My Weekly B&M


I am not a dog person. I know, I hate myself, so save it.

I WANT to be a dog person, but I am shallow and the love I start out with for them soon fades to seething hatred. I know I am horrible. I love dogs when they are someone else's. I do not inflict any physical punishment on dogs, I just give the stare. The OMG-WHAT-WAS-I-THINKING-WHEN-I-GOT-YOU,-YOU-MAKE-ME-WANT-TO-HURT-MYSELF stare. It never works. Dogs don't get it.

In January, after my Daddy passed away, I got my 11 year old son a dog. Cooper was having issues sleeping alone and I was not at that time able to give him the motherly support he needed because I was dealing with my own issues. So I thought a dog would be the answer.

We adopted Andy through the Rescue organization. He was cute in an ugly kind of way, was potty trained and was 4 yrs old. He didn't bark or chew and he was great with the kids. And I hated him. He got on my every last nerve. He had only a couple of irritating characteristics, but I could not get over them.

He was slightly neurotic and wouldn't go outside if it was the least bit cloudy because he was petrified of storms. If he was outside and wanted in, he would jump 5 feet in the air and do this high pitched freak-out whine thing that sounded like he was hyperventilating. This would cause an ungodly amount of slobber to drain from his mouth and the first step out the back door was covered in dog spit. It was unbearable. And it was ME he bonded with.

I tried everything my vet and my friends suggested. I gave him Benadryl and he ran around the house outside 68 times nonstop like a psycho. I gave him herbal dog anti-anxiety pills with no results. He was only happy and good when he was in the house. Right beside me. The one who despised him.

My MIL came over and I offered Andy to her and she accepted. WHOO HOO! Our house was calm and my nerves began to mend. Then my mom called me.

"Find me dog. I think I want a dog."

So, I get online and search the ads and email and make the phone calls to find my mom someone to keep her company. I drive over an hour to pick him up. His name was Gus. He was a shih tzu, black and white, just like our favorite dog, Baxter who met his untimely death when someone hit him with their car. In my yard. Totally traumatic.

Gus was adorable. Playful and at a year old, was over the baby-sitting phase. I was so proud that I had scored so well with this choice. I called my mom to give her report.
"I got you a dog!"
"Really?! What kind?"
"He's a shih tzu, like Baxter was."
"I don't want a boy."

So now Gus lives here. With our family. And Andy.

My MIL decided Andy was too lonely and needed the space to run and basically returned him with no receipt. She decided that she would take no in-store credit and exchange him for Gus.

So now I have 2 dogs.

Two dogs that have chosen to bond with me. Two dogs that follow me everywhere, sit on my feet wherever I sit, whine at the door when I close them out. Two dogs that crunch their food with their mouth open and drink their water slurpily and have it drip off their face onto my hardwoods. Two dogs that rustle and tumble and knock things over. Two dogs that smell and lick each other and hump one another incessantly. Two dogs that are in love. And they have chosen me as their third in their doggie love triangle.

I am officially their bitch. And I moan the entire time.


Debz said...

And we all know how much their crunching with their mouths open and slobbering saliva all over you are some of your favorite things. If it's any consolation, they are as cute as they can be. You did good to rescue them, too bad someone else can't rescue you from them.

Ronda's Rants said...

I feel your pain! I have two dogs but I am a dog person but all the things they you are dealing with I do too! What helps me tolerate this frankly...I am usually alone in the office so both dogs are wherever I am. I feel less lonely now that I work in a one woman, two dog facility!

careysue said...

OMG you crack me up!!!! I love animals and hate them at the same time! Our Lola was hit by a car in August--so, we have 4 cats left! (three in the house) I loved them when they left me alone--now they chase me from room to room begging to go outside...I would let them out but I was informed I can't, by my daughter. (she has a bengal, someone will surely steal him) They're like big rodants running under my feet!

I thank you for this post...glad I'm not the only one that feels like this towards our "best friends"

Diane said...

I AM a dog person but I laughed anyway (not AT you, mind you... ummm... OK, it was at you). Just think of them as 2 more unruly children :)

Tony Gasbarro said...

I envy you. Recently divorced and living alone, and with a job that has me traveling frequently, I can't have a pet. Oh, I suppose I could have a pet boa constrictor that only needs a constant heat lamp and a live rabbit once a week, but GGEEEEEESSHHH! I don't like snakes.

And, for some reason, I can't get past the idea of replacing Angel.

The Mom Jen said...

Not a dog person either. It's a hate-hate relationship with them.

Unknown said...

I think that is SO f'n funny that you don't like dogs!
Really, who says that???
It's like your out and proud!
You could start a movement...

Women who hate dogs and the dogs who love them.

I think it's ok that you can't stand k-9, at least you like pigs.
You do like pigs don't you...

Julie D said...

OMG, you are living my life! I keep trying to be a dog person, and I'm just NOT. I have two Yorkies, and the boy, Griffin, drives me frickin insane. I swear, he's mentally handicapped. He's hyper, he jumps up and down like he's on a pogo stick trying to get attention, if he's outside he's standing there licking the screen door nonstop like he's going to lick his way back into the house. He just makes me crazy. My girl Yorkie, Gracie, is very calm and I deal with her a lot better. But they both piss all over my carpet, my house stinks from it, and I really, really, really would not be upset if Griffin ran away. LOL When these two are gone, I am DONE WITH DOGS.

Tiffany said...

Gasp** You hate dogs? Well I guess you aren't my mom after all. I'm really confused cuz Deb said yall were my lesbian mothers but I don't know which of you is the dad.

Well I should send Tink over to you so you can smell her farts, hear her snoring, and see her drool all over. Oh and you have to clean her wrinkles and butt daily. You would LOVE her.

NucMEd is Hot said...

How can you not love dogs???? They are obviously trying to fix you!

Unknown said...

Oh you know you love 'em! Who else would lick your feet, no matter how bad they smell or sit by the door until you are finished in the bathroom or greet you after a long day at work or make sure no crumbs fall out of your mouth and hit the floor?

My shih tzus are like little people. They have heard me complain and whine more than anyone else and they never get tired of hearing it! (At least they haven't told me that they are.)

Just look at them as four legged, furry kids who don't eat much or beg much or ask to use the car!

Mamahut said...

Seriously...I laughed through your entire post. They just love you soooo much. I have Andy's physcotic brother. He screams like the worst bark ever when I start the 4 wheeler. I am on the 4wheeler everyday..all day. I hate him. I have tried everything to shut him up. I have the boy's air soft guns now. He knows exactly when I have it with me and when I don't. My Golden is supposed to be a hunting dog hahahhahahahaha if you fart too loud he's on your lap whining. uhmmm not that I fart. ever.

Swirl Girl said...

I have two children that are constantly at my feet and slobbering all over me.

and- a hubby who wishes he could sit around all day licking himself..

what would I need a dog for?

Mama Dawg said...

I'm sorry, but I'm laughing. It's the same for my mom. She's not an "animal as pets" kind of person and it seems like the animals know it and flock to her.

Kritta22 said...

I used to be a dog person until i was the one cleaning up after them. No I like cats. So simple. Clean their box and put food in a bowl and they are happy. Stupid dogs have to go out, track in mud, drool everywhere, splash water on my floor, wake me up to go outside, etc. It's all wrong and I'm not getting anymore, ever!

Shannon said...

We decided to get a dog during spring break. While my girls were spending the week with my sister. Two hours away. And hubby works... so guess who the new pup bonded with?

Yep... lucky me.

Do yours follow you into the bathroom? My dog does. And if I do manage to get the door shut before she can nose her way in there, she will lie outside the door. With her paws sticking under it. And God forbid I take too long in there... she will start to whine.

Unknown said...

why the hell are you NOT showing up in my reader???

yeah I am with ya...I LOVE beans too....when they are someone elses...oh wait i own 3 of em geesh and we are talking bout doggers...those are the CUTEST doggers ever...I hope you understand I can NOT show jess this post...cuz she will leave me and come and take over those doggers...hell she may dis-own me and come home with you on Oct 10th???

ummm i still have your it ok to keep it till you get here?

Anonymous said...

haha It always seems that dogs love the people that don't want them. I LOVE my dogs and they just ignore me and want daddy. Jerks! I'll remember that someday.

That Janie Girl said... i guess that means you're not going to come out and see Zack and Zanna the Wonderdogs?

They rock.

Girl, you make me laugh so hard.

Myssie@PendletonMarket said...

If it makes you feel any better...they are super stickn' cute!! We got a puppy a few months back and since it has grown into a dog my daughter is deathly afraid of it. Go figure!

J'Ollie Primitives said...

Two pugs.
Five cats.
One fish.
None of them are "mine." OK maybe the 104-year old cat is mine.
I'm just the Food Lady. Their real owner is away having a life while I petsit. Did I mention she wants another pug?

Mrs4444 said...

Oh, Man, am I with you on the dog thing; not a fan. I think I just have enough responsibilities and resent the demands of a pet. That said, I know that a boy needs a dog (even if that boy is 45), so I caved when Mr.4444 insisted our kids needed a dog. I don't have to do much (they take care of him mostly), but I just HATE it when his whining in the middle of the night sometimes wakes me up or he insists that I let him out at a certain time, even though he's just been out. Grrrrr.

Threeundertwo said...

I can relate, I'm a total cat person. The slobbering would kill me.

It seems I've been following you around commenting, so I had to come read your blog. Love it.! I'll be back.

Carissa(GoodnCrazy) said...

bitch and moan? Is that the title? Funny.

Yo, bitch!? (please get my sarcasm...)

Here's what my 4yrold said,"When our dog dies, can we get a guinea pig?"

Um...we have a cat...?!

But i hear you on the whole IF we get a dog, YOU KNOW it will end up being MY dog right? I'm not ready for that commitment right now, I'm JUST NOT!

funny. Is the second pic the other dog?

Miss to Mrs said...

I may have to stop coming here. How can you look at those sweet pooches and not want to give them smooches! This is just very sad. Maybe give them a little kiss for me.

nikkicrumpet said...

Being a serious dog lover I can't empathize...but I sure did get a chuckle out of the story. I'm not laughing at your pain...but you have such a great way with words...I can't help but laugh. I hope the bonding process will come full circle...if least the dogs are happy lol

LuckyMe said...

Thanks for the reality check! I think you just saved my marriage. I have had a serious infatuation with little dogs lately. Then I saw the cutest, smartest Jack Russel on Oprah last week, the "counting dog."

I keep dropping hints to my husband and he keeps glaring back at me. I hate the thought of dog hair and I love the thought of joining hubby on business trips when my youngest goes to college in 6 years.

So I think I'll just keep visiting my sister and her 2 dogs.

Tenakim said...

I only have one and that was a big step, but I totally get you!

Unknown said...