I HAVE SURVIVED

I am back from our four day shopping extravaganza and completely exhausted! My aunt and mom are in training for the shopping Olympic team and both have their times within reach for the gold and silver medals. Thank God I had my 82 year old grandmother to use as an excuse to walk slowly and sit a lot. Mom survived a luggage cart near-death experience when, as we were steering the fully loaded cart. she was on the side and at the next moment was pinned between the brick column and the cart. All I heard was this small voice whimpering, "Oh, wait! Wait! I'm stuck." Since we are so compassionate, it took us a while to stop laughing and move the cart.

Here we are in Fredericksberg, at 9 AM ready to be the first customers for all 280 stores. I took this one of my aunt Debbie, my Gammy, and my mom. Mom's head was fine after the run-in with the brick column.
This is my Gammy. I am happy to announce that shopping tired her out too much to voice her opinion about the political race and no democrat was offended on this trip. Which is a good thing, since I was so sore from walking 12 miles at the damn outlet mall that never ends, that there is no way I could have protected her from any bodily threats. But who would want to hurt this beautiful face? She made us laugh so hard with her conversations to herself ,not to mention her immodesty. But I can promise if I had no cellulite and stretch marks, I would walk around with nothing on but a shower cap in my hotel in front of my daughters and granddaughter, talking to myself as well. (Crap, who am I kidding? I would probably do it front of strangers.)

Here are the gold and silver medalists for the shopping team. None of us quit laughing and smiling, especially as we sat waiting for our food. I smiled the biggest because I was able to sit and eat. My two favorite things.

We took my aunt's car since her SUV was being used on a hunting trip by my uncle and cousin. So this was our trunk after all the bargains we found.

This was my passenger seat on the FIRST day of shopping. It got worse, trust me. I was scheduled for a double leg amputation just for the trip home.

This was my mom's seat. The barrier between her and Gammy was my Christmas present. So it was very important that neither one of them got dessert on the last day. We needed every square inch. It's called sacrifice, people.

This is my Gammy's seat. As long as she could reach the Kleenex box, all was good.

This is where I TRIED to sit, but since I cannot drive with a steering wheel impaling my gut, my teeny tiny aunt Debbie had to drive. There was no room to scoot the seat back. Or so they said...

This was where I rode home on the two hour trip home. On my left bun. Propped up with my left wrist. But I still had an antique phone mouthpiece jabbing into my thigh. One ringy dingy.

"Gammy, are you still okay back there?"

Mom buried in sacks and boxes, still working her real estate deals over the hone. Just don't break my Christmas present!!!!

So glad to be back and on my computer. MUST GO READ YOUR POSTS OVER THE LAST FOUR DAYS!!!!!! I love y'all and missed you so!

REMINDER

Just a reminder:
 I am going out of town for a couple of days with my aunt, mom and grandmother.

Don't forget me. I am going to try to sneak my computer in, but they are light sleepers and I am sure my cussing when I misspell something or can't count the letters in the alphabet will wake them up.

So if you don't hear from me until Thurs am, I promise to have funny stories and souvenirs for all.

And remember, I make all three of them look like the Olympic Asian gymnists. They are microscopic humans. I always love being the Amazon... and I am only 5'5".

P.S. Wish you could all go with us. And yes, Amelia Bedelia, I will miss you most. (Mom made me say that) (not really).

Love Y'all!!!!

The ABC's of B&M

Okay, Sixy Mom, Sidney borrowed this from Georgie who borrowed it from somebody else.


This is Fri. The official B&M day. YEEEHAAAW! 24 things to bitch about. I hope I can do this....

A is for age: 43 (And yet I already do the shuffle walk to the toilte when I roll out of bed like I am 84 and have Parkinson's.)

B is for burger of choice: Whataburger's #1 with cheese, no veggies. (Yes, I eat burgers like I am 4. Shut it.)

C is for the car I drive: 2003 Altima(for work) 2007 Durango(when I want to throw $94 out of the window to go 15 miles. I F'n hate this car! Anyone want to take over payments on a Dodge? It's too big and trucky.)

D is for your dog's name: (Good Lord. Just when I wasn't going to mention them today.) Gus and Andy (And you know....)

E is for essential item you use every day: Toilet paper. And mascara. (Pooping makes you have skimpy lashes.)

F is for favorite TV show at the moment: Eleventh hour. That Dr is soo hot. And smart. (I'll just moan on this one)mmmmmmm

G is for favorite game: I cheat at all games if I can, so now no one plays with me...(eveyone takes it so serious! It's just a game, Cooper!!!!)

H is for home state: Texas. And yes, everything is bigger. Except my bosoms. (That's more a B&M for the hub)

I is for instruments you play: The kazoo. Or my nose. I can strum a mean nostril.

J is for favorite juice: Pineapple with coconut rum.(I cannot WAIT for my cruise!!! I have so much of that drink I get gout from all the acid build-up!!)

K is for whose bum you'd like to kick: Stupid people in general. And my ex's wife because she is mean. (And they deserve each other)

L is for last restaurant at which you ate: Don Jose's and I O.D.ed on their queso.(And cut my gum on a chip as I was inhaling it.)

M is for your favorite Muppet: Miss Piggy because she whacks the crap out of anyone who hacks her.off. Plus I can do her "HaaaaaYaaaaaaa" pretty damn good. And she wears boas.(Who can B&M about a muppet?)

N is for number of piercings: Two…earlobes. (And because i was so fashionable in the 80's, my slits are almost all the way thru because I wore 46 lb earrings.)

O is for overnight hospital stays: tonsillectomy, appendix,3 births. Sex change operation. (Just kidding. I never had my appendix out.)

P is for people you were with today: Rick, Claire, Cooper, (and Jordan, the guy who works out here and does maintainence on the sub-division. A B&M all in himself)

Q is for what you do with your quiet time: Blog and eat and watch TV and eat and think about walking and eat. (But it's never quiet)

R is for biggest regret: Not having the gumption to exercise. And yelling a lot. (It makes me cough.)

S is for status: Married and servant to all. Really. I wear a peasant's dress. (It's not the flattering kind either)

T is for time you woke up today: Around 6 am when the alarm went off and 6:20 when I quit hitting the snooze.(When. for the love of God, can they get themselves up and walk to the bus stop? WHEN? When I stop caring how they look. Oh yeah, and if they have eaten and are safe waiting for the bus.)
U is for what you consider unique about yourself: I have never colored my hair. And I won a Nobel Peace Prize. And I am a democrat. (Just kidding. I am Republican.)

V is for vegetable you love: Fresh spinach with lots of fattening dressing.(Raspberry Vinegarette is fat free, so I had to switch. And I loved that stuff!!! But I fear of throwing my body into shock if I go total healthy.)

W is for worst habit: When I am deep in thought, I put my hand to my mouth in a fist and bounce it up and down and it looks like I am a porn star, smoking, too much caffeine, Shaking my left foot in bed before I fall asleep. (Just kidding. It's my right foot. And it drives me batty. But I HAVE to do it.)

X is for x-rays you've had: Dental, chiropractic, and chest from when I had fluid on my lungs after nearly croaking while birthing Trevor. (Wish this was Xrated videos you have been starred in....I could win on that one.)(Why does no one ever believe me on this?)sigh

Y is for yummy food you ate today: Coffee and a molasses cookie. (Not even homemade. I have GOT to crack down on Claire more to have the baked goods daily!)

Z is for zodiac: Libra. As in Nacho Libra. mmmmm nachos. (With real grated cheese, not that runny crap out of a can. I barfed that up at a fair once and it is NOT pretty OR tasty the second time around.)

Have a great weekend!!! It's my oldest 2's birthdays. Kalee's is the 25th and John David's is the 28th. And to save you from having to do math, yes, their father's was at the end of Jan. And that is all he got. And since my son is coming, that means he gets to wear my apron!!!  YES!!! I can sit on my ass all weekend. I love my kids.

Cooper for President

I am losing my marbles. I have raised many boys and seen them turn into fine young men. I am not sure I can pull this one off. I may have met my match.

This is Cooper in our hotel room.

My youngest child, Cooper, was adopted along with his sister, after we had them as foster children when they were 5 weeks and 17 months old. Cooper has never met a stranger and has no enemies. He is kind and funny, and makes you feel like you are the center of his world whenever you are with him. He is a mechanical genius. He is video game champion 2008. He reads on a sophomore level. And he has never completed a chore since he was 6. He gets me side-tracked and I don't notice the half-ass job until he is asleep, looking so innocent and angelic. And he is flunking 2 classes.

I had the dreaded teacher's conference with ALL my 12 year old son's teachers this week. It started at 3pm ,and I anticipated being done by 3:30. A simple, "Your son has so much potential, but he doesn't work to capacity", "His average is extremely high, except for daily grades and writing assignments", "I think he is so cute. I am amazed you didn't really birth him" were the expected phrases I anticipated. And I got those, okay, minus the 'amazed you didn't birth him' phrase, and just as I expected he is lazy at school AND home. Each teacher was allowed to tell me what the issues were. Each teacher said he read too much. And rushed through his work and can't write legibly.

He was the top student of the Accelerated Reader program last year, and this year is like 3000 points ahead of the closet competitor. He would rather be reading than doing anything else. The reading teacher confessed to never having this issue before. She hates to make him stop, but he is avoiding his school work.

And he is a schmoozer. He schmoozes his way though, avoiding having to do what the others students are required to do. He is cute and charming. The teachers all confessed to having problems making him do required work because he can make them see it his way and his excuses make sense at times. He side-tracks them as well. All the teachers. All five of the seasoned experienced teachers.

So, after two and a half hours of "conferencing", all of us agreeing that he needed to go into politics, these women that I have never met before now get him every Tuesday and Thursday after school for tutoring. The conference will go down in history as the longest and most fun. And our next planned conference, I am in charge of bringing the wine.

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We went to Oklahoma on the 10-12th of this month. We have been home 11 days. Cooper has apparently been without his toothbrush for 11 days. He finally confessed this morning when I asked him how long it had been since he brushed his teeth, since they looked like kernels of corn hanging from his gums. 11 days, people. He is smart, but not clean.

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So in thirty years, when you see a cute, charming, highly intelligent Presidential candidate with yellow teeth and the name of Cooper, please vote for him. I think I would look cute in the White House. And think of the blog parties we could throw...

Battle of the Marquees

It's Wordless Wednesday.

Click on these pictures to enlarge them.

(I never won at the Quiet Game either. Shut up.)

Picture Roulette

I have an incredibly busy day today. So I am copping out with a new game that requires no thinking. I am always better when witty intelligence is not required.

Deb had this brilliant idea to play Picture Roulette and wanted us to join in. Her instructions were to pick the fifth picture in your 5th folder. I was expecting some random shot of one of Rick's floors or worse. I was holding my breath thinking it might be something Claire or Cooper found amazing and snapped a picture of, such as an entire Christmas tree display at a store. I have 38 pictures of each ornament posing individually.

This was the 5th picture in my Fifth Folder. This was taken in August this year at Amy's house. This is one of our attempts at a Fifth generation picture. How ironic: 5th Generation picture is my 5th picture in my 5th folder. I rock. And please take note I am always ready for a picture. When I see a camera out and aimed, I am fixated on being ready and have "the smile" plastered on. And I hide behind anything larger than me. Which is becoming harder to find. This time it was the large couch. Pictured below is my mom's mom, Gammy, my mom Kay, holding her and daddy's namesake, Kaydi Jo, my daughter Kalee, and me behind them.


My Gammy is a retired school teacher. My mom sells real estate. My daughter is a school teacher. And Kaydi Jo is a full-time Princess.

Gammy is hilarious. I adore spending time with her when I go home to visit. She says EXACTLY what is on her mind. And she makes me nervous to take her out in public. She and my grandfather, Bobo, got a divorce over 40 years ago because of his infidelity. We heard about that for over 40 years. I was 18 years old before I realized Dona's name wasn't "that Olive Oile bitch". Dona, the other woman, and who became my step-grandmother, died a few years back. My grandparents began dating about a year afterwards. Bobo is very hard of hearing and Gammy has free reign to say whatever she likes because he can't hear her. She takes every opportunity to stick in caddy comments and rolls her eyes at things he says. It makes me cry laughing to listen to them.

A couple of months ago, mom and her sister, Debbie, took them to the symphony. Gammy sat through the entire performance with her fingers in her ears and Bobo, because he couldn't hear a damn thing, enjoyed every moment. My mom and aunt were hysterical.

I treasure every moment I have with my family. Since my daddy's passing, I try never to take for granted any time we can spend together. I may be taking my grandmother, aunt, and mom to Austin for a couple of days next day. WHOOO HOOO!!! Talk about great material!

Dear God, Please don't let Gammy say anything derogatory that will get us shot. Amen.

WHO?!?

As I have previously informed you, I LOVE ME SOME OLD PEOPLE!!! And the older I get, the older "old" gets. (It's 80 now)

I was reminded this weekend of a funny story, since my husband, Rick, is suffering from a head cold and can't hear. So for the last two days I have felt like I was married to my great grandmother Bentley. After he would moan about how bad he felt (all 397 times), I would respond and have to repeat myself, which reminded me of this:

When I was married to my kid's dad, and he was a preacher,(NO, me being a preacher's wife is NOT the funny story, although I could write a book on it) we would go visit people in the hospital. We went one day to see the retired organist of our church who was extremely hard of hearing. So hard of hearing in fact, that when she still played the organ, she would sit on her bench during the sermon and lay her arm or Bible on the keyboard and emit notes that equalled 500 decibels but didn't realize she was doing it. Here we would be listening, then BRRRRR and all eyes would turn to her. She was oblivious. I loved it! And since she did it EVERY SUNDAY MORNING, it got to be my favorite part of the sermon. I cried when she retired.

She had to go into the hospital and had a semi-private room. We visited for a minute then she asked me, "Who is playing the organ now?"
me: "Maurine Erwin"
her: "Who?"
me: "MAURINE ERWIN"
her: "WHO?!"
me: Maurine Erwin!!!"
her: "Honey, I can't hear you. WHO?"
me: "MAURINE ERWIN!!!!!"
her: "Oh...Maurine Erwin...hmmmm...don't believe I know her."

Then we talk a little more, then again she would ask, "So, who is playing the organ now?"
me: "Maurine Erwin"
her: "Who?"
me: "MAURINE ERWIN!!"
her: "Maurine Erwin. Hmmm...Don't believe I know her."

The lady in the next bed would just laugh and I would giggle and be all preacher's wifey and smile and think she is so cute, but damn, she is getting Dementia. But I never let on. I had an image to uphold. So her and the preacher would talk and then she would turn to me and ask me again, "Honey, who is playing the organ now?" And we went through this FIVE times. I was beginning to look for paper and markers so when she asked me again, I could just hold up the sign with MAURINE ERWIN written on it.

On the fifth time she asks me, "Honey, who is playing the organ now?"
me AND her roommate scream, "MAURINE ERWIN!!!!!!!"
To which she responds, "Maurine Erwin. Maurine Erwin. Hmmm. I've heard of her."

By the way, her husband was completely blind. And the bus mechanic for the church. But that's another story....

Here's My Sign

It's Friday!!! It's B&M day!!! Bitchin' and moanin' like the champ I am.

This week I had issues. Issues that continuously reminded me of my ever-growing arse. I have accepted the fact that I will never be a size six again. I am 43. And a grandmother. Grandmas are supposed to be chubby and jovial and bake cookies and have a spotless house. I am clinging to the chubby jovial description. Mrs. Santa Claus is jovial and chubby and very classy in my opinion. And we redheads always go white and not grey. Doubts? Haven't you seen Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Now, thanks to Krista, I have an awesome apron, and totally fit the bill. Now where can I buy class?

Anyway, back to my issues, I saw myself as I really look. Not what I think I look like when I look down and close my eyes, but what I see in my full length mirror. Naked. How my front pokes out as much as my back. And I as stated earlier, Baby's got back. Lots of back. And now Baby's got front. So much front that while sitting, I realized that somehow I had missed exactly when it was I lost my lap. My front now sits on my thighs. I am now a double sitter. A sitter squared. I sit on my fat backside and my belly sits on my thighs.

We moved into our new home last December. Two weeks before Christmas. Moving and Christmas shopping don't mix well, so instead of spending money on fine window coverings, I bought gifts for my kids. All 8 of them. And if they were married, their spouses. And their kids. So my master bath big window over the tub got Target window coverings. Just for now. That was 10 months ago. Target curtains still up. Target curtains that are thinner than I thought.

While outside one evening, I glanced in my bathroom while the light was on. I admired my new old piece filled with all my chotskies and my new fake but real-looking ferns. Smiling, about to pat myself on the back when it struck me. I can see inside my windows. Everything. That means all the cars that have driven by our house for ten months have also seen everything at night while the lights are on.

They have seen me take a bath. They have seen me shower. They have seen me brush my teeth and scratch my boobs when I take off my bra. They have seen us do the nekkid pretzel.
So, I am overweight, a Peep Show girl, as well as a porn star now.

As I leave for work, I decide I will start walking. It's cool now and maybe I won't die. A little sweat won't kill me. I have made a decision. I will be a walker. I will get new shoes. I will do it. Starting Sunday. It's the first day of the week. It will be easier to track that way. That is how all the athletic fanatics do it. Or so I have heard.

I merge onto the highway and right in front of me is this pokey white truck with flashing yellow lights. Traffic is bumper to bumper and I cannot change lanes. I slow down and back off the white truck. There in all it's glory is my sign. WIDE LOAD. And I was stuck behind him. For 6 miles.

I am walking tonight. Right after I go buy a new lined master bath window treatment. I am feelin' lucky.

We All Had A Ball

Reading Candid Carrie yesterday, she talked about Tiger Woods and his balls. Then Annie took it a step farther and talked about her secret gym crush with sweaty balls. So being so on the ball, I was reminded of the time I lived in Saint Jo and went junking with two of my best friends there. Kay, whose husband worked moving heavy equipment and had a ton of heavy duty trailers. I tell you that because that bit of info is pertinent in the story.

The three of us went to an antique shop disguised as a run down shack that had junk piled high and lots of goodies hidden deep within the dilapidated walls. The owner was a guy that Marcia, who was a nurse, had cared for after his throat cancer. He, like my little patient I have shared about, had a voice stimulator which was how he conversed with people.

Upon arrival, the three of us hop out of Marcia's truck and as we walk up to the shop, the little guy greets us. Up until then, I had never actually carried on a conversation with anyone who had one of those contraptions. The stimulator vibrates so words can still be formed with your mouth, as if you were saying them, but the sound is very distorted. It is a learned listening technique. The local tailor had one in my hometown, but he really never talked and I thought he was a priest because he wore the little collar thing to cover his trachea hole.

Anyway, his greeting was somewhat easy to understand, so I guess when we all said "Hello" to him, he took that as an invitation to chat a while. So he begins to vibrate and Kay and I just mosey right along and leave poor Marcia there to talk to the lonely junk store man. I panic thinking he is going to say something to me and I am not going to understand and have to ask him to repeat himself and he is going to feel like total shit because he doesn't have a voice box and no one can ever understand what he is saying and...(inhale) Soon, Marcia slips away and finds me glancing through the possible treasures that could be at my fingertips. Kay is over against a wall looking at trailer hitches (see, this is where that bit of info ties in). She is really looking, like with her hands, comparing sizes and has a pile put to the side that she is interested in.

The junk store guy approaches Kay, and with his gargle-y voice apparently asks her if she needs any help. She is as nervous, too, and says to him, "No, thanks. I'm just looking at your balls."

The earth stops on it's axis and time stands still. Birds stop singing and you can audibly hear Kay's heart stop beating. Marcia and I freeze midair. Without a moment's hesitation, our little junk store guy places his stimulator up to his throat and gargles, "gRRRRRR".

I turn and look at Marcia. Only she is no longer standing on the aisle next to me. She has collapsed to the floor. I am not sure I can look at Kay without busting out, so I oh-so-slowly turn my head towards where Kay and little junk store man stand. I am thinking 'OMG OMG OMG Please don't let me laugh in front of this poor man'. I am gouging my nails into my palms trying to keep me from laughing. By the time I finally make eye contact with Kay, I am in dire need of air, but know that if I inhale, it's over. I see Kay standing there with eyes as big as saucers, still frozen, and I cover my mouth like I am coughing and look away.

I am about to implode and snot flies out all over may hands. I can no longer hold it in. I bend down like I am trying to tie my shoe, which in reality is a flip flop, and lose it. I am laughing so hard and holding it in, that I lose my balance and fall in a heap on the dirt floor. I see Kay fly past me and I am grasping onto the table to pull my fat ass up, drunk with laughter. I finally stagger out into the light of day and make it to the truck. Kay is leaning over the bed of the truck obviously trying to make no eye contact with me. Marcia is still trapped inside. And the door are locked on the truck.

Finally Marcia emerges from the store and the poor junk store guy is nowhere to be seen. We are all totally composed as we get into the truck in case he is looking at us. And as we pull away and I look down at Marcia's shorts covered in dirt, I burst out laughing. Marcia pulls over and we all crumble into a heap of pure laughter.

After we compose ourselves, Kay in all seriousness says, "Damn! I really needed those balls."
We had a ball.

What's inYour Wallet?

Talk about feeling like a HEEL!!!!! My sister Amelia Bedelia AND Annie both gave me this award last week and I totally forgot!!!! heh. I am a dumbass! So sorry girls!!! Of course Amy's reason was because she feared a violent retaliation (or me peeing or puking on her again) if she left me out and Annie was in hopes of me getting her for my SSS and gifting plastic surgery. So, all in all, no wonder I let it slip my mind!!!

So I will follow the rules this time and tell you six things that make me happy:

1. Finding a great buy on something I have been looking for for ages.

Example: I have been searching for camo capris that have rhinestones, but they are like $120 here in Dallas. Fond them for $70 at a boutique and asked jokingly for a discount and got the for $40. That made me giddy!!!!

2. Hearing my husband and kids laugh, even if it's at me.

Example: I got stuck in the revolving door at the airport with two suitcases this past weekend.

3. Smelling brownies in the oven.

Example: Claire and I made brownies. She can't eat chocolate and I can.

4. Seeing all 7 of my kids getting along and talking and working together.

Example: Labor Day all the kids and even cousins were here and no one got their feeling hurt or whiney.

5. Feeling my bald husband's head after I shave his head.

Example: When we sit on the couch together I love to rub his head and feel the tiny bristles. He loves it, too. (See picture from Monday's post in the airport- he's the white guy.)

6. Tasting good food that I don't have to cook.

Example: As you can tell from my triple chins, I love to eat. On vacation, as I am eating one meal, I am thinking where we will be eating our next one. I am a planner. And a pig.

Okey dokey. The rules are to pass it on to 6 friends with Kreativ Blogs. I sent yesterday's to NEW blog loves. Today I will send to OLD and true blog lovers.

In no particular order:

1. Deb

2.Georgie

3. Dana

4. Sidney

5. Shelley

6. Deb

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Okay now the purse therapy. I was tagged by, hell I have no idea at this point, kidding, no I'm not. I really don't know who or even IF anyone tagged me, but go with me on this. I am to dump out the contents of my purse to reveal the real me. And this is raw and uncut no trash was removed prior to the removal of contents. And to be honest, I didn't dump. I used the claw to scrape all the crap out and TRIED to section off separate categories. But like a clown car, stuff just kept flowing and flowing... I kept waiting for a midget to jump out and squirt me with his flower corsage.

Before(bulging and peppermint trash peeking out of the pocket)

See? Emptied out. Completely.

Raked out and piled.

Lottery scratch-offs ($3 winners), directions to the reception that was Sat., Xanax(Just in case) and diet pills(that I apparently never take) disguised in a bottle of acetaminofen, my bulging wallet(no, not with cash), Kleenex, make up bag, gum,

lipgloss, keys, my and Amy's business cards, lighters(just in case I have start a bon fire somewhere), tape measure(for all the junk places I go, I have to measure, people), my business cell phone

peppermints, change that doesn't fit in my wallet, receipts, trash, paperclips, reading glasses, pens, hair clips, one of Amy's pendants, some yellow rubber thingy that Cooper stuffed in there, lottery scratch off plastic coin, 2 lone earrings.

Okay, if the girls above have not done this, then go ahead and show us what's in your purse! If you want to do this, consider this a personal invitation from me, especially if you have a messier purse than I do.

Dear God!!! I call myself prepared, but obviously I am just lazy.
Mint, anyone?

I am Official!!!!

I am now OFFICIALLY domestic.

I received this ROCKIN' UNBELIEVABLY ADORABLY COOL, NOT TO MENTION TOTALLY STYLIN' Apron from my friend in Alaska Krista. With my name on it!!!!! For absolutely no reason, except that I whined about splashing grease on my new shirt and basically just sucking at being a cook. So she oh-so sweetly decided to encourage me and make me happy and even included a recipe for Potato Soup. Uh huh, that's right! Freakin' Potato Soup. Does this precious Alaska chicklet ROCK or what?!

(Yep, it's a ladder in the hallway. I was busy today!)

I got it in the mail today when I got home late, with Whataburger in tow, I opened the apron and almost threw out my number one with cheese no onions and cooked. But I am a cheapskate and just ate in it. But I did look mighty domestic, even eating. Now I am headed to the pantry to look for something to bake...

Thank you thank you thank you, Krista!!!! I Love my apron and YOU!

Makes you love Sarah Palin just by the wonderful people Alaska produces, huh? I thought so.

Red Carpet Morning

It's Award Celebration Day and I am dressed to the hilt in my flannel pjs and unbrushed teeth. I received this from MegRyansMom because she thinks I am thoughtful. MmmHmmm. Dat's right! I am thoughtful! See here it is in print:

The Thoughtful Blogger Award

For those who answer blog comments, emails, and make their visitors feel at home on their blogs. For the people who take others feelings into consideration before speaking out and who are kind and courteous. Also for all of those bloggers who spend so much of their time helping others bloggers design, improve, and fix their sites. This award is for those generous bloggers who think of others.

How sweet is that? Thanks MegRyansMom!!! You made my day!

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Another award I received was from Linda at Short Pump Preppy. This beauty requires that I list 6 things that make me happy and pass it on to six people.

But because I am a weirdo, I will give this award to 6 people who make me happy! These are for my new friends that have been found through my old faithful friends. And they make me dribble, just like my old buddies do!!!

Binks

Nikkicrumpet

Eudea Mamia

Manager Mom

My Dogumentary

Dawn's Diversions

These girls are so funny and so smart because they love me just as much as I love them! It's a virtual Blog Love Fest and I am passing out red kool-aid for everyone!!!

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Speaking of red kool-aid, or not, Cooper came home from school yesterday with the announcement that all his friends that he had left his belongings to in his Will were happy he had survived the flight to Tulsa. Except for Daniel. He was getting his Wii and Cooper informed me his house had burned down last year and that he didn't have a Wii. "Almost makes me wish I could give him mine. Almost." Then away he went to be 12 again.

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I have been tagged to do the purse contents thing, and unlike all you FIBBERS who have no trash showing, I will take a picture of the ENTIRE UNCUT version of the contents of my purse tomorrow. (Rick took the camera today to take pictures of a floor for his portfolio. I think he just likes saying "portfolio".) So prepare yourself. It won't be pretty.

MIL Funnies and A Contest to Boot!

How many of you out here have a Mother in Law that you think is the worst? How many wish you could read about someone's MIL that was crazier, meaner, and even made you glad you have yours? Go here to Debbie's Planet Hot Flash and read the funniest adventures of the most insane MIL EVER!!!!!! She is hosting a contest celebrating a year in Blogdom and wants some new readers. Just tell her I sent you and help me win, and in return I promise you good laughs at her MIL's expense.

Go there now! Read any and all titles about her MIL...

My Trip In A Giant Nutshell

I know I missed posting my weekly B&M session on Friday and I apologize. Getting ready for my trip to Tulsa definitely qualified for a specific Bitch and Moan, all in itself.


I had to take the dogs to the kennel for boarding. (Believe it or not, again, my precious dogs are part of the B&M equation.)


1. I got out both leashes for the transfer of said canines.
2. I put Gus, the wonder idiot, on his and waited to put Andy, the neurotic one on his until I was ready to walk out the door.
3. In a matter of 3 minutes one of them(they aren't confessing which one) took Andy's leash and hid it somewhere in my house. I scoured the house for 10 min before finally picking Andy up and carrying him football style, tucked neatly away under my arm.
4. Loaded the car and headed to the vet.
5. Upon arrival to the vet, Gus jumps out and tries to make his get-away. But with my cat-like reflexes, I stepped on the leash and about broke his freakin' stupid ass neck brought him gingerly back to me. Meanwhile Andy was crouching in the 3rd seat which meant I had to crawl over the seat and cuss him out while I man handled sweetly coerced him to the seat next to the door.

6. I place him under my arm and attempt to enter the vet's office. The office has these posts in the front to resemble hitching posts. Gus, the brainiac, decides to wrap himself around the post about four times before I finally make it around the corner.
7. After kicking and pushing nudging him lovingly with my foot, I finally managed to get him and Andy inside.
8. With sweat poring off and my hair a giant frizzball, the tech looks at me and and says, "Rough day?" to which I respond, "I effin' HATE these dogs. Oh, of course not. These dogs complete my life."
9. I dropped them off to her and when she asked me when I would be picking them up I told her never Monday.

So after composing myself, I was off to check my children out of school. Cooper's school was closest, so I went to sign him out first.They were in the middle of lunch and after scanning for 45 minutes all the uniformed pupils, I finally found my son eating a huge bowl of Pork 'N' Beans, which is always good traveling food. We had to get the janitor to unlock his classroom to retrieve his books and backpack which was an act of congress and headed to go get Claire at the Junior High. On the way there, Cooper informs me that since this is his first plane ride, he has written a Will and is leaving all his belongings to his friends in case he is killed in a plane crash. He left it on his teacher's desk to read to the class. How precious is that?!

We get to the airport early, I coach the kids on the protocol for the airport. I discussed not saying anything about bombs, or explosions, or terrorists, yada, yada. Told them about taking off their shoes and keeping up with their boarding pass. When I made the reservations, I was not sure which birth certificate I had and which their dad still had, so I made the tickets out for their original names, Linda and Scott. So I am telling the kids, they will ask you what your names are and these are the names you tell them. So Cooper is in line saying, "Scott Scott Scott" under his breath and when the guy takes his boarding pass, he asks the child, "What's your name, son?" to which the child responds, "Cooper." And Claire leaves her boarding pass in the gift shop and almost doesn't make the boarding because I make her run and get it.

The trip was very fun. meeting Georgie and getting to visit with her on Friday and all day Sat was WONDERFUL!!!! Dawn was hilarious on Friday night and had sooooo much to drink that she tried to pay for her drink twice.(I'm so kidding, she couldn't even finish the one drink she had. She asked me like 46 times, "Does my face look flushed? I am having a weird reaction to the tequila." to which I had to tell her my that-nasty-crap-makes-me-puke stories) But she did try to pay twice. And Jenn and Melissa were adorable and so funny!

Tulsa was absolutely GORGEOUS and the CLEANEST town we had ever seen. My kids kept commenting that there were no homeless people and no trash like in Dallas. The kids had never been to a Catholic wedding and Rick had to pay Cooper $10 to be still and not squirm or talk. I was cracking up the entire time watching Cooper mimic everything my good little Catholic husband was doing during the Mass. Cooper was miffed when I wouldn't let him go get communion, but the $10 won me another 15 minutes of uninterrupted boredom sitting through the final part of the wedding. The reception was beautiful and they had a chocolate fountain to which Cooper was banned by Rick from partaking in because he tried to stick his head with his wide open mouth under it. I am sure he was mocking what he saw me do at the last wedding...

Now, with the vacation hangover, I have a million loads of laundry to do and a house to clean before I go get the damn much-missed dogs. Peace out!

Pictures from the Weekend

I will share the pictures tonight and the stories tomorrow. I have jet lag from the 48 minute flight.

Dawn doing a shot for Deb. Then she did one for Amy, Julie, AmyBo, and all the people on my blog roll. Dawn is a trooper.

This was next door to our Hotel. Good planning Georgie. He didn't even know we had left Saturday!
I had to bribe them with money to act like they liked each other for this shot.

Cooper and Claire
Claire and Cooper headed back to Texas.
Could I be smiling any bigger?!

Jill, Georgie, and Dawn
I was asking if we had anything in our teeth. Not sure what motion I am making with my hands.
Deb's chair we kept reserved in case she decided to show up.
America's got talent... Jill and Dawn think they do.
The family as we left for the wedding on Saturday night. I forgot to pack Rick's tie. Oops, silly me. Rick and I dancing at the wedding.
Claire and Jess in the Chocolate Shoppe. I was going on and on and telling Rick about how much fun I had this weekend spending time with Georgie and her girls, Dawn, Melissa, and Jen. So I turned to the guy next to me to finish my stories.

Okay, fine. I am shutting up now. I will tell y'all tomorrow.