We All Had A Ball

Reading Candid Carrie yesterday, she talked about Tiger Woods and his balls. Then Annie took it a step farther and talked about her secret gym crush with sweaty balls. So being so on the ball, I was reminded of the time I lived in Saint Jo and went junking with two of my best friends there. Kay, whose husband worked moving heavy equipment and had a ton of heavy duty trailers. I tell you that because that bit of info is pertinent in the story.

The three of us went to an antique shop disguised as a run down shack that had junk piled high and lots of goodies hidden deep within the dilapidated walls. The owner was a guy that Marcia, who was a nurse, had cared for after his throat cancer. He, like my little patient I have shared about, had a voice stimulator which was how he conversed with people.

Upon arrival, the three of us hop out of Marcia's truck and as we walk up to the shop, the little guy greets us. Up until then, I had never actually carried on a conversation with anyone who had one of those contraptions. The stimulator vibrates so words can still be formed with your mouth, as if you were saying them, but the sound is very distorted. It is a learned listening technique. The local tailor had one in my hometown, but he really never talked and I thought he was a priest because he wore the little collar thing to cover his trachea hole.

Anyway, his greeting was somewhat easy to understand, so I guess when we all said "Hello" to him, he took that as an invitation to chat a while. So he begins to vibrate and Kay and I just mosey right along and leave poor Marcia there to talk to the lonely junk store man. I panic thinking he is going to say something to me and I am not going to understand and have to ask him to repeat himself and he is going to feel like total shit because he doesn't have a voice box and no one can ever understand what he is saying and...(inhale) Soon, Marcia slips away and finds me glancing through the possible treasures that could be at my fingertips. Kay is over against a wall looking at trailer hitches (see, this is where that bit of info ties in). She is really looking, like with her hands, comparing sizes and has a pile put to the side that she is interested in.

The junk store guy approaches Kay, and with his gargle-y voice apparently asks her if she needs any help. She is as nervous, too, and says to him, "No, thanks. I'm just looking at your balls."

The earth stops on it's axis and time stands still. Birds stop singing and you can audibly hear Kay's heart stop beating. Marcia and I freeze midair. Without a moment's hesitation, our little junk store guy places his stimulator up to his throat and gargles, "gRRRRRR".

I turn and look at Marcia. Only she is no longer standing on the aisle next to me. She has collapsed to the floor. I am not sure I can look at Kay without busting out, so I oh-so-slowly turn my head towards where Kay and little junk store man stand. I am thinking 'OMG OMG OMG Please don't let me laugh in front of this poor man'. I am gouging my nails into my palms trying to keep me from laughing. By the time I finally make eye contact with Kay, I am in dire need of air, but know that if I inhale, it's over. I see Kay standing there with eyes as big as saucers, still frozen, and I cover my mouth like I am coughing and look away.

I am about to implode and snot flies out all over may hands. I can no longer hold it in. I bend down like I am trying to tie my shoe, which in reality is a flip flop, and lose it. I am laughing so hard and holding it in, that I lose my balance and fall in a heap on the dirt floor. I see Kay fly past me and I am grasping onto the table to pull my fat ass up, drunk with laughter. I finally stagger out into the light of day and make it to the truck. Kay is leaning over the bed of the truck obviously trying to make no eye contact with me. Marcia is still trapped inside. And the door are locked on the truck.

Finally Marcia emerges from the store and the poor junk store guy is nowhere to be seen. We are all totally composed as we get into the truck in case he is looking at us. And as we pull away and I look down at Marcia's shorts covered in dirt, I burst out laughing. Marcia pulls over and we all crumble into a heap of pure laughter.

After we compose ourselves, Kay in all seriousness says, "Damn! I really needed those balls."
We had a ball.