Thursday, October 16, 2008

We All Had A Ball

Reading Candid Carrie yesterday, she talked about Tiger Woods and his balls. Then Annie took it a step farther and talked about her secret gym crush with sweaty balls. So being so on the ball, I was reminded of the time I lived in Saint Jo and went junking with two of my best friends there. Kay, whose husband worked moving heavy equipment and had a ton of heavy duty trailers. I tell you that because that bit of info is pertinent in the story.

The three of us went to an antique shop disguised as a run down shack that had junk piled high and lots of goodies hidden deep within the dilapidated walls. The owner was a guy that Marcia, who was a nurse, had cared for after his throat cancer. He, like my little patient I have shared about, had a voice stimulator which was how he conversed with people.

Upon arrival, the three of us hop out of Marcia's truck and as we walk up to the shop, the little guy greets us. Up until then, I had never actually carried on a conversation with anyone who had one of those contraptions. The stimulator vibrates so words can still be formed with your mouth, as if you were saying them, but the sound is very distorted. It is a learned listening technique. The local tailor had one in my hometown, but he really never talked and I thought he was a priest because he wore the little collar thing to cover his trachea hole.

Anyway, his greeting was somewhat easy to understand, so I guess when we all said "Hello" to him, he took that as an invitation to chat a while. So he begins to vibrate and Kay and I just mosey right along and leave poor Marcia there to talk to the lonely junk store man. I panic thinking he is going to say something to me and I am not going to understand and have to ask him to repeat himself and he is going to feel like total shit because he doesn't have a voice box and no one can ever understand what he is saying and...(inhale) Soon, Marcia slips away and finds me glancing through the possible treasures that could be at my fingertips. Kay is over against a wall looking at trailer hitches (see, this is where that bit of info ties in). She is really looking, like with her hands, comparing sizes and has a pile put to the side that she is interested in.

The junk store guy approaches Kay, and with his gargle-y voice apparently asks her if she needs any help. She is as nervous, too, and says to him, "No, thanks. I'm just looking at your balls."

The earth stops on it's axis and time stands still. Birds stop singing and you can audibly hear Kay's heart stop beating. Marcia and I freeze midair. Without a moment's hesitation, our little junk store guy places his stimulator up to his throat and gargles, "gRRRRRR".

I turn and look at Marcia. Only she is no longer standing on the aisle next to me. She has collapsed to the floor. I am not sure I can look at Kay without busting out, so I oh-so-slowly turn my head towards where Kay and little junk store man stand. I am thinking 'OMG OMG OMG Please don't let me laugh in front of this poor man'. I am gouging my nails into my palms trying to keep me from laughing. By the time I finally make eye contact with Kay, I am in dire need of air, but know that if I inhale, it's over. I see Kay standing there with eyes as big as saucers, still frozen, and I cover my mouth like I am coughing and look away.

I am about to implode and snot flies out all over may hands. I can no longer hold it in. I bend down like I am trying to tie my shoe, which in reality is a flip flop, and lose it. I am laughing so hard and holding it in, that I lose my balance and fall in a heap on the dirt floor. I see Kay fly past me and I am grasping onto the table to pull my fat ass up, drunk with laughter. I finally stagger out into the light of day and make it to the truck. Kay is leaning over the bed of the truck obviously trying to make no eye contact with me. Marcia is still trapped inside. And the door are locked on the truck.

Finally Marcia emerges from the store and the poor junk store guy is nowhere to be seen. We are all totally composed as we get into the truck in case he is looking at us. And as we pull away and I look down at Marcia's shorts covered in dirt, I burst out laughing. Marcia pulls over and we all crumble into a heap of pure laughter.

After we compose ourselves, Kay in all seriousness says, "Damn! I really needed those balls."
We had a ball.

39 comments:

Eudea-Mamia said...

I'm laughing! So Excellent.

Em

Jay @halftime lessons said...

LMAO!!

Awwww, poor guy...

Scary Mommy said...

That is hilarious-- you really need a sitcom (have I said that before?) I just love the way you tell stories!!

Sidney said...

And you know, of course, that when you have pre-teen and teenaged boys that ANYTIME you say the word "balls" they just collapse in laughter.

Ahhhh, men....and their balls.....

Chris said...

Hello Jill, I popped over from Nikki's blog. I though I was going to choke, I was laughing so hard. My DH said what the hell are you reading? LOL I so want to add you to my blog list, if you don't mind. I could start my day like that everyday.Come visit me sometime, I'd love that

Hugs,
Chris

Deb said...

Looks like that Chris chick is trying to hone in on my Jilly. There ain't much left to share Chris.

You got more stories than Walt Disney! Where do you come up with this stuff?

ann said...

THIS IS MY FIRST VISIT HERE.IFOUND YOU WONDERING AROUND BLOGVILLE VIA BLABLABLAS BLOG...I TRULY,TRULY ENJOY YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.I'VE GOT TO GO NOW AND READ SOMEMORE.HAHA...ANN

nikkicrumpet said...

See now me....I would have totally stuck around to see what "Grrrrr" means. I mean come one the guy was probably LAUGHING and that's the sound that comes out. And how can you leave perfectly good balls behind? You might not find balls that good anywhere else. Good balls aren't something you come upon everyday ya know! Now someone else is using those perfectly good used balls...and you my friend...are ball-less. Great story..as told like only you can!

jill jill bo bill said...

Ann- where is your blog? You are my fellow Texan and HAVE to get a blog so I can harrass you!

Julie said...

Ahahahahhaahhaha...great story!!!

Annie said...

Too darn funny!

Janie said...

He. Actually. Growled. At. Y'all?

I guess, as opposed to a "purr" from a woman?

That's hilarious! You gotta quit writing stories like this that make me spew Dr. Pepper across my keyboard.

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

O.M.G. That was funny Jill!!

You write so good that I can totally visualize it. Good Job Jilldo!

gingela5 said...

Hahaha...had to cover my mouth from laughing since I'm at work! That is so funny! I hate HATE awkward situations like that! And next time you're in OK let me know! Also, I feel like a jerk I keep forgetting to put in a post about the award you gave me--tomorrow, tomorrow I love ya tomorrow--I'm trying to say--I'll do it tomorrow! ha

Mamahut said...

Grrrr...bwwhahahah I can't believe you left her in there alone.

My mom used to have a drinking buddy that had one of those vibrating things...he freaked me out...he smoked through it...no lie.

Jennifer Suarez said...

funniest ball story ever! Thanks for the awesome laugh.

Shelley said...

Okay, so I peed my pants again. You guys are hilarious.

Ronda's Rants said...

I love girls friends that make you laugh so hard you snort and snott!!!
Too funny!!!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

OMG that's hilarious!

Dawn said...

I so would have not made it outside before laughing. That probably made that old man's day!

You're a riot Jill! Funny stuff.

Misplaced Country Girl said...

Why can that particular word turn grown women into thirteen year old girls? I laugh every time I hear it.

Rhonda said...

OMG OMG OMG! It's people like you, Jill, that are going to get me in trouble at work! I absolutely can NOT control myself and I, like you, ended up all snot covered. But I was incredibly discreet about it....

That is a hilarious story!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Ya know the junk store man may have been pretty turned on to hear those words. No wonder Kay flew out of there!! That was hilarious!

Jenn And The City said...

LOL! Stories like this need to come with a "beverage alert" so we don't ruin our keyboards spitting out coffee, diet Dr.Pepper, or bourbon, as the case may be...
Jenn

dana wyzard said...

Oh, I don't laugh easily, but you made it impossible not to be there, right with you.....but that poor man missed a sale!!!

Jenni Jiggety said...

Oh, that is HYSTERICAL! LOL!

amelia bedelia said...

funny stuff sister...i read aloud..gene got a laugh!

careysue said...

OMG...that is so freaking hilarous...I remember laughing like that with my girlfriends, only I can't remember what it was about.

Thank you for remembering!!

Insane Mama said...

haha oh dear...thats all I have to say

Suzann @ Lavender and Roses said...

I so totally needed to laugh today. Thanks! I'm crying I'm laughing so hard.

binks said...

I think I know that guy. But I definitely don't know his balls.
;)

binks said...

Can a be an honorary Texan?
I used to live in Brenham & my kid's name is Austin.

binks said...

Oh right - and a little sumpin over at binksday.

Pennies In My Pocket said...

ROTFL!! I just keep thinking of the SNL skit "Schvetty Balls" with Alec Baldwin.

Dying laughing!

~melody~

One Wired Woman said...

Oh fun!! Another Jill!! We Jills must stick together. :) Love your blog. Found you on the Saucy blog. I'm just getting started there. I'll be back to visit!!

~Jill :)

Linda S said...

OMG are you serious? too funny!! that's a great story...

Tiffany said...

LMAO I'm so glad somebody else snots when they try not to laugh. HAHA

Clippergirl56 said...

I just left Nikkicrumpets place to check out your blog thinking I could not laugh any harder than I did at hers.Oh my gosh, I was wrong. You two make quite a pair.

Justine said...

Holy crap, this is the kind of thing that always happens to me and my sister! Well, not with a junk store man with a voice simulator, but you get the idea. I can't believe two of you fell on the floor from laughing. I've never done THAT. I just pee myself.

Justine :o )