Friday, October 3, 2008

My Weekly B&M

Yesterday I shared some of the things (my grand kids and my make up) I am thankful for. Today is my weekly Bitch and Moan section. Maybe I am doing it backwards. Maybe I should gripe, then count my blessings. Whatever.



Because I am so anal and suffer with OCD (heh), I will do this gripe session using the 5 senses. I was tagged long ago by Tx Poppet to confess some habits, and she did hers all organized and cute using the senses. So instead, I will leave the confessing to Georgie and just steal the 5 sense idea. This week we will focus on the hearing. The things that I heard this week.



Sounds:

1. The weiner-licking sounds of the damn dogs.

Dear Andy and Gus,

Please stop licking yourselves and each other. I can't take it. Okay, maybe it's not always your weiner you are licking. Sometimes it is your feet and sometimes it's the floor where you are laying. But 99% of the time it's your freakin' weiner. The 5 minute licking session that causes me to stomp my feet and shout "QUIT!", or knock you with my foot, (because that is usually where you are lying. Right.On.My.Feet.) or clap my hands loudly to scare you into stopping is apparently not working. I get the same glance from you every time. Then you momentarily stop and re-taste with smacks so unbelievably irritating that I have the TV up to 27 on volume just to drown you out. The esophageal damage done because the vomit that rises when said sounds are heard are irreversible. If looks could kill, you, dear dogs, would be dead.



2. The never- ending beep that my way-too-expensive dishwasher does when it is done with it's cycle.

Dear Bosch Stainless Steel Self-proclaimed Champion of all dishwashers,

Enough. You wash and supposedly sanitize my dishes. Dishes. Objects that, unlike clothing that your friend LG front loading washer and dryer care for, DON"T wrinkle and require ironing. Objects that don't need to be removed immediately from your clutches. Maybe you want them out. Maybe you want me to get off the computer and empty you and refill you to make you feel whole. Maybe you love the liquid soap that is slid into your container. I don't know. I am asking you to stop with the notification beep. I pisses me off to have to stop what I am doing to open and shut you to make the incessant beeping quiet. I apologize if I have roughly slammed you on more than one occasion because I was miffed. I am just asking for a simple cease and desisting of the jaw-torking sound. I will have you unloaded when the kids get home. You know them better than you know me anyway.



3. The telephone.

Dear Uniden aka cheap-ass-POS-that-I-can't-hear-on-from-Target-cordless-variety,

Two things. I may be asking too much, but please don't let any more telemarketers call here. I know it's not your responsibility, but see what you can do from your end. I don't have the car warranties that they are claiming are running out. I don't need their satellite services. I don't want their health insurance. I have called the No Call list and still receive calls from them. You may think it is funny that I move with break-neck-lightening-speed to cradle you in my hand when you ring only to click your button as soon as I hear "Jenny's" WAY too-friendly screechy voice say hello to me. Maybe you get a chuckle knowing you ring just I sit on the toilet or on the couch and have to scramble to find all your counter-parts that haven't been returned to their cradles. Maybe you like hear me cuss like a sailor in Fred Flintstone voice. I am not sure. Either way, stop ringing when non-important people call me. I know you know who they are. They call daily.

Secondly, The static you give me when I step out of your small service area is unacceptable. Grow some balls and strengthen your signal. Okay, maybe not balls if I have to hold them when I use you to talk, but you know what I mean. Stop being static-y.



4. The muffled sounds of whatever song is playing on your ipod and the dragging feet.

Dear Claire,

Please, honey, for the 849th time, turn down your music. If I can hear it from the front seat over my radio or across the room with the TV on, IT IS TOO LOUD TO BE DIRECTLY PUMPED INTO YOUR EAR CANAL. And the one swift continuous move of jerking one earphone out and saying "Huh?" is getting old. I am too old and fat to have to either walk across the room and tap your shoulder or flail my granny flapped arms at you to get your attention. I know you don't believe me when I tell you will have permanent damage and hearing loss, but it is true. Please pick up your feet when you walk. I know Junior High is hard. I know you have to walk to classes. I know you are probably spent by 4:30 when you get home. Wear skates or put towels under your feet and clean the floors when you walk. It's getting on my last nerve and makes me talk to you through clenched teeth.



5. The non-stop sniffing and leg bouncing.

Dear Cooper,

Please, precious, blow out whatever you have in your nose that is causing you to try to keep it in. Really. Sometimes after I have given you a tissue and nothing comes out, I wonder how you magically make your snot hide and remain up there. I know you are twelve and girls aren't important today, but one day they will be. No girl wants to date a sniffer. In any aspect. I realize you have ADHD. I know you have inside energy that needs to come out. Why must you snuggle up next to me and allow your leg to rub noisily up against mine or the chair? Why can you not, when I gently place my hand on the top of your knee to make it still, just KEEP it still? Why can you not go tire it out by running? Your leg deserves better. And between the sniffing and the bouncing, I am thinking movie night may be more enjoyable for all of us with sound-proof barricades between us.



6. The not exactly a hum, but the throaty moan made when you eat food.

Dear Rick,

I know I have made light of this in the past. I know you were unaware for 50 years that you did this. But I have talked about everything I can possibly think of during our dining just to hear something other than "the noise". At first it was charming, but the honeymoon is apparently over for that. It makes me snicker whenever I hear it. I know I am sounding bitchy, but without that sound, you would be 99.9% perfect. I am just helping you be a better person.

Sometimes I think Marlee Matlin is so damn lucky.

***Please note that I am not trying to brag with the name brands. Remember it is me. Mrs. Bargain. All appliances were on close-out or great deals. I hate name-droppers.***

42 comments:

Tenakim said...

what a show off- you and you Bosch dishwasher- just kidding! I, too, like- NO- NEED- quiet... All of those things would drive me up a wall, too. I can't stand being at my sis' house and her kids jump upstairs (mine know better) and it doesn't even phase her! Sounds like a damn herd of elephants!

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

Ahhhhh, Leg Bouncing drives me NUTS!!!

My hubby does it and does not even realize until I yell at him to STOP!!

Tenakim loud kids on stairs drive me crazy too!

Another thing is everything that has a volume my Hubby has turned up way too loud. I swear he is hard of hearing.

Swirl Girl said...

Love your bitch sessions...let me add one:

Dear Cheap Payless air filled flip flops;
Although you may cushion my feet and are admittedly more comfy than the plain old rubber $1 Target bin shower shoes - the whole world does not need to hear my feet fart everytime I take a step. My children's hysterical laughter does drown out the 'squish' sound every now and then - but c'mon already!

Tenakim said...

1.)No, you've never pissed me off!
2.)Consider the 4lbs a gift- I'm a giver.
3.) My husband said all night that he thought Joe wanted a little sumpin sumpin from Sarah!

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

What about when the dogs wipes their butts on the floor? That drives me batty. And, I think we have the same POS uniden.

Deb said...

I hear ya (lol - get it? senses, hear - hahaha. I slay me).

I got snoring. Never ending, unrelenting, loud and annoying snoring. So I win. or lose. I am soo flippin tired I have no clue which way is up.

Tiffany said...

HAHA I hate lickers and nose sniffers. My dogs, both girls, always freaking lick their damn feet. Especially the weenie dog. I can't stand it!!

And sniffers or worse yet the kinda stuffy sniffers bother the piss outta me.

Mrs Parks said...

F'n weiner LICKERS!
Good GAWD I hate the friggin weiner lickin that goes on in this house, and I know the look your talking about AND that last spiteful round chops lick they do right before breaking eye contact with you.

nikkicrumpet said...

I think I say this every time I read one of your posts...but it just has to be said....TOO FREAKING DANG FUNNY! Even your bitchin is hysterical. I'd love to live in your head for a day...I'd laugh myself silly.

Deb said...

Aren't you glad it's only your dogs that are weiner lickers? I mean, it would be worse if Rick did THAT while eating!

Annie said...

Is that all you got!?!?:)

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

Yep I'm with ya on the weiner licking

gum cracking peeps drive me insane and loud children chewing Doritos
I have a huge list and not enough room :o)

LuckyMe said...

Why are boys (especially) so afraid of blowing their noses? Why would they rather snarf and spit? i.e. blow through their mouths?? Sniffling gags me.

And foot dragging teens? AAAHHHH! I do buy black socks so you can't see how dirty the socks are when they are "cleaning the floor".

Great rant.

Misplaced Country Girl said...

I CANNOT stand that licking sound. It makes me want to crawl out of my own skin and run screaming down the street. Why must they do that? Lucy's a perfectly wonderful dog but the licking is just too much. As much as I love her when I wake up in the middle of the night hearing that I want shove her off of my very tall bed onto the hard cold floor.

amelia bedelia said...

You forgot my throat noise!!!! It obviously doesn't bother you anymore. I will call you tonight, when it's ready to make it's nightly sounds, so you can enjoy it with me!

Ronda's Rants said...

Okay...I had to get my biggie butt off the chair to go into the kitchen to look but I have a GE and it makes the same dumb noise and so does my washer and dryer although they have a switch to turn it off and I can't find a switch for the dishwasher. The coffee maker does too! My Hubby HAS hearing loss and he can hear it...I told Carter (my grandson) that Papa couldn't hear the noises and now he tells everyone...Papa can't hear...(then he looks sad) and then says...It's so sad!!! Papa isn't pleased that Carter is telling everyone he is deaf!
Papa also makes annoying coughing noises that make me want to strangle him to death...The dogs don't bother me so much ( but they don't have weinners) Well, that's enough about me...this is clearly about you!!

Elaine A. said...

Well at least your phone doesn't lick it's balls. Right??...

Miss B. said...

I just pee'd myself at work. I may never forgive you...

jill said...

Love the bitch session Idea! too funny. I also hate the dog licking sounds, especially in the middle of the night when I'm trying to sleep

Kritta22 said...

You are so stinking funny! I heart you!

Kgirl said...

OMG. We must have been poured from the same mold in this bitch session. I can't stand the freaken lick sessions either and the leg shaking...sends me over the edge. BE STILL already. If i wanted to vibrate sitting on the couch, I'd get a toy and be happy about it!

georgie said...

oh well hell i was coming here to name drop!

mr gp does that crap too-wanna know what he says? he says it is because he cant breath through his nose when he has a mouth full of food...it is disgusting I tell ya! and I told him to quit eating them!

georgie said...

OH and I was LMAO at lickin weiners hehehe tooo funny!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Woowee! Girl, you're honestly funny. Can you come to work with me? I share an office with a co-worker that crunches everything she eats. It is beyond annoying or maybe it's just me being noise sensitive.

The dogs licking?? Well, Sam is the licker of all lickers. He is king of lickers. He licks his feet, his weenie and whatever else needs to be licked. He also licks the other dog. But, I use Bitter Apple when it gets beyond annoying. I lightly squirt his feet and he does his best to stay away. Sometimes, the urge gets too great and he bypasses the taste and licks anyway.

Is it a shih tzu thing or what??? I've even considered contacting the Dog Whisperer!!

J'Ollie Primitives said...

also strangle-worthy: foot tapping. DH's foot goes tappitytappitytappitytaptaptaptapppiityTAPTAPTAP until I walk by and stomp on it.

Ah, peace and quiet.

NucMEd is Hot said...

I should a copy of this to my dog noodles and she said she said she will not quit licking herself. My kid blows her nose insesantly to the point of bleeding and I'm the one with the I pod turned up 76 decibels!!!

you're hilarious

Linda S said...

with you on the dogs...if it's not his feet it's a canvas pad in his crate and it sound like someone's starting a lawn mower.

then my friends have these labs that I call "lickydawgs" cause they lick you to death...all the time...your legs, hands, feet, whatever...gross

georgie said...

You do know that abby is NOT here and I can barely text on my own right? I am sooooooooo glad you didnt have nightmares LMFAO! but geesh couldn't that have waited till say ohhh ummm 7:50 vs 7:49 on a sat morning...if'n i didnt love you so much AND if'n i knew how to text real fast like i woulda said phuck you now go back to sleep ;-)

Insane Mama said...

I don't know, I kinda like the dog s humping and licking nonsense.

Manager Mom said...

OK - had to laugh at the Marlee Matlin line. I'm trying to practice my selective hearing but it ain't easy when your kids are as loud as mine.

Jenni Jiggety said...

I hate the dog licking noises too! It's CREEPY! Blech!

HappyHourSue said...

OMG I could do a whole post about my husband's noises that drive me nuts. The snorting. The wrist-cracking. The snoring. Thanks God we're so perfect. :)

Mamahut said...

Oh my gawd! Do you hate me for saying Toshiba the other day??? I wouldn't know a good computer if it slammed me in the head.

What is it with boys and bouncing appendages?? I beg them to stop it, I've even slapped their legs. Usually I just get up and move, thats what they wanted anyway.

Danielle said...

Oh...can I make a copy of #1 and give it to my dog???

The "sound"...my hubby makes this weird sound when he chews, and I swear I can hear his saliva mixing with his food to begin the digestion process. If I listen long enough, the next sound I hear is my own gagging!

Good N Crazy said...

You name dropped on purpose. I could tell.

and Where were the blessing? Oh? Yesterday...sorry, missed that....

Wait...GRANDkids? As in GRAND? KIDS?

ali said...

I don't need to be reading blogs at 1:00 AM. I totally thought you're title said My Weekly BM. Heh. Hubby is a drummer and his constantly drumming/tapping on something. VERY annoying!

Holly Jahangiri said...

Everybody sounds like crap when they eat. I've never understood why eating was supposed to be a "social" thing. Nothing like mouth sounds to make you hate your neighbor...until you realize you sound just the same, to them. Bleh.

Funny! Thanks for the laughs!

Threeundertwo said...

Sooo funny. I would be throwing the dogs outside. Reason #847 why I don't have dogs.

American in Norway said...

I don't think you could be any more funny! I love it...all!

Deb said...

okay, this is hysterical! amy dumped me on you since she's taking the week off.

i think i'll stick around. if anything, because you have a Grayson. Mine is 15.

Jenn And The City said...

I'm about ready to make the dishwasher live somewhere else. Like Alaska.
Isn't it great that we have wonderful appliances to b*tch about?
Jenn

mommeeof9 said...

Really bad joke. "Why do male dogs lick themselves? Because they can."

My dog has been banished to the back yard - sun porch or basement in bad weather. The slurping licking noise and his favorite game of escape and run around the neighborhood was annoying me. My 4 yr old loves to bring him in the house, then she or the 2 yr old let him out the house door and he's gone again. I make the kids chase him/catch him when they get home from school. He's their pet, as is the cat.