Monday, October 6, 2008

Jiminy Cricket!!!!

WTH is my deal?!

I have this weird ability to make all things I despise fall in love with me.
Things like my annoying dogs. They always sit beside me or on me. Boys that I was not at all interested in flocked to me, calling me, writing me letters and poems of their undying love, and stalked me. The meaner I was to them, the more they liked it. Birds, which I am deathly afraid of, don't ever come around until I am outside.
And the crickets. Yes, crickets. Not Jiminy type that wear suits and top hats, but the loud flying, stinking kind of crickets.

It all started when we took a family vacation to our family cabin in New Mexico.

My father was the typical male driver, not wanting to stop until we reached our destination. But with four daughters and a wife, he was being forced to stop in every town. About halfway there on our 8 hour trek, he had had enough. He made the new rules. No more stopping until we arrived. We tried everything. We whined. We cried. We held ourselves. We figited while whining. We bounced our legs up and down. Finally three and half hours later, he gave in.

He pulled into a station that was in the middle of nowhere.The kind you see in the movies where killers hang out. The kind that have the bathrooms of the outside. Dad barely had the car rolled to a complete stop, when we all jumped out. Amy was ahead of me with her red dog ears flying in the wind. It was hard to run while I was holding myself, but with my free hand I grabbed the back of her shirt and held her back as I took the lead. The door was shut, I reached the knob and jerked with all my might.

The bathroom had apparently not been used in weeks. When the door was opened and sunlight flooded the dark cave that held the toilet, I was engulfed with a black cloud. A dark cloud of crickets. And they all flew out. Onto me. They covered me. I fell back onto Amy and peed my pants. I almost passed out from fear. I was brushing them off, screaming and crying, about to strip naked right there in the empty parking lot. They were in my hair. They were in my shirt and shorts. Ev.Ry.Where.

Since that traumatic day, I have become an unwilling cricket whisperer. Wherever I am, and there is a cricket within 6 miles of me, they sniff me out and fly on me. Inside or outside. There can be 20 people in the crowd and they hone in on me. They fly right at my face. And I make a total complete fool of myself.

If I hear one in the house, my poor husband will get no rest until that damn thing is dead. If there is one outside, I leave and come inside. I spaz out. I scream and do the ugly face of horror when they fly at me. People try to reason with me and tell me obvious facts such as don't bite, they can't hurt me, even some Asian folklore that they are good luck. Whatever. I ain't buyin'. I have never won the lottery. It's bull shit.

Crickets make me cuss really loudly, even at church in front of my grandmother. People think it is funny to throw them on me. Until I waylay 'em and then they think that it probably wasn't the best idea and not so funny. The thought of a plague of crickets is beyond words. If that ever happens, I will be found unconscious with a knife, a gun, a bottle of pills, none of which will have been used because I would be dead from the top of my skull being blown off from my blood pressure.

I will take my annoying dogs. I will take irritating stalkers. I will even take birds, flying 10 feet around me. Kinda. But I can't do crickets.

I'm off to buy a lottery ticket. Ya never know...

30 comments:

Tiffany said...

LMFAO At peeing on yourself. So I guess you don't wanna go fishing with me huh? Cuz we use live crickets. They won't bite. LOL

Deb said...

You peed your pants. I can't read anymore. You peed your pants.

Sara said...

Don't you just hate that they are so flippin loud until you go to kill it and then it is silent...until you take a step away from it again. Arhh!!

Shelley said...

I just peed my pants laughing so hard at you peeing yours. Great post. It's good to know that I'm not the only woman on the planet that has trouble with things flying up on her and making the ugly face and screaming about it.

The Mom said...

Can't.Read.Further.You.Peed.

Ronda's Rants said...

YOU PEED YOUR PANTS...sorry there seemed to be a theme! I dislike crickets but I hate those big fat ugly...grasshoppers maybe they are called locusts...I don't know but I hate those suckers...gross.
I mean they could do a horror movie out of those things...maybe they have...The Day of the Locusts!!!
As far as things/people liking you when you don't like them ...it is your charm!! :)

Deb said...

everyone seems to be focusing on the peeing in your pants part of this lovely story. snooze... regular habit of mine since i was young enough to be able to pull it off. i want to hear more about cussing in church in front of your grandma!

Danielle said...

Still laughing....

It's really gross to think that the sound they make comes from them rubbing their legs together!!

EWWW!!!!

Hope you don't live in a heavily wooded area!

Oh...and it's always better to pee outside, or even pee your pants for that matter, than to pee in one of THOSE bathrooms! YIKES!

Mrs Parks said...

You peed, I screamed!

Do you think you would still pee if a cricket landed in your hair?

Have you seen Sex and the City the movie?

At least you didn't pull a Charlotte on Amy!

Kritta22 said...

You are so stinking funny!! I bet you let Amy go first from then on huh??!

Julie said...

OMG. I'm reading this in the airport and just about peed mine. The visual is killing me.

nikkicrumpet said...

Too funny...well not funny haha to you...but funny as a story. I know your fear...for me it's grasshoppers. The glorious day arrived that my mom let me wear my first pair of pantyhose to church (I felt like such a big girl) Real for true nylon pantyhose...not those ugly thick opaque ones. After church I cut through an empty lot to get home quicker...who knew that when swarms of grasshoppers land on pantyhose..they can't get the little hooks on their feet out!! They were stuck all over my legs..while I ran home screaming like my butt was on fire! I stripped those things off and threw them away. I sill can't even look at grasshoppers to this day without getting FREAKED! And lets not even talk about my pantyhose phobia!

Eudae-mamia said...

Ewwww - I'm so sorry for the horrible childhood incident! Makes for very funny stuff though.

I'm totally that way with frogs. You just never know where those slimey suckers are going to jump.

Em

Miz Dinah said...

Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go! Good thing there was nothing knocking on your back door! That could have been ugly as you landed on your sister. As a fellow entomophobe, jjbb, I totally understand. Picture an eight-year-old jumping rope indoors under a sticky fly-strip covered in insects. Ew! Scarred. For. Life.

gingela5 said...

Haha...poor thing! You know, Batman came to be because he was scared of bats. I can see it now--CRICKET WOMAN! That's perfect! Your secret weapon would be chirping in a location that no one can find you and you'll eventually just annoy them to death! Wow I'm so weird!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Can you come to my house tonight and do some cricket whispering? They seem to live my house, especially in places where they can't be reached. Last night, it was under the heavy desk where no spray could reach. So, ya think you could whisper something like "Stay out!" and they'll listen??? Pretty please!!!

Mamahut said...

What did your dad do? My dad would have driven off and left me. I am terrified of bats. My mom used to swear they would get stuck in my hair and bite me all over my head trying to get loose.

Jenni Jiggety said...

You poor thing!!! You need a purse sized can of raid. I'd be afraid of them too if they at one time made me lose control of my bladder!

Annie said...

I peed ON my pants today.....I'm sure I'll elaborate more later. I had to take em off and go drawerless home from kiddy lessons. Nice.

Heather said...

I feel your pain woman! My son has a Bearded Dragon that I often have to feed. The crickets don't fly but, they sure can jump! Little bastards! It's their constant churping that gets to me...echoing all through the house at night.

dana wyzard said...

I'm here for two reasons. One, Amelia told me to and Two, I have a fear of praying mantis'ssssssssss. This year I found a baby one and studied it, up close and for about eight hours. Or a minute. What's the difference. Our eyes met. Well, both of mine and one of his, and he wasn't all that dangerous looking....and then he spread his six foot wing span and flew onto my glasses. HOLY SHIT!!!! ON MY GLASSES!!!

they know me. shhhhhhhh

Kgirl said...

That is hysterical! cockroaches do that to me...I totally lose it just like that....still laughing

Farrago said...

Yeah, but just think of those poor crickets. First, they're just minding their business in that warm, dark bathroom when suddenly they're startled by the door opening and that big, bright New Mexico sun blazing in on them. They panic and start jumping blindly, and some of them crash into a creepy, disgusting HUMAN!! Not only do they crash into it, they get entangled in its hair and clothing, some of them getting squished by its hands and feet as they scream to their comrades, "AAAUUUGGHHH!! There's a HUMAN under me! HHELLLLPPPP MEEEEE[squish]!!" And then, the final horror: dank, warm liquid comes gushing out of the human as it launches into its banshee Scream of Death.

Just consider that those poor crickets were terrified, too, ya big brute.

Dawn said...

LOL I hate crickets as well! They give me the eebie-jeebies!

Cracking up at Deb's comment!

Insane Mama said...

Are you saying that I am annoying because I like you and stalk you??? Thats not nice.

georgie said...

oooooooo was this your scarey Halloween story for IM's contest? cuz you totally rocked the scarey there in the middle!

Altho like Tiff I was LMFAO@you peeing your self too...now see if only you had let red dog ears amy open the door...muhahahaha(sorry Amy)

I miss you guys!!!!!
(((HUGS))) dont forget about me

NucMEd is Hot said...

I'm not a fan of the stupid crickets either!

suzannah said...

this story is horrifying! you're so right about dogs trying to win over the haters--they won't leave me alone either, much to my chagrin!

Shannon said...

Ugh, I don't like crickets either! This guy I went to high school with knew this and thought it was soooo funny to come up behind me in the halls and chirp like a cricket in my ear!

binks said...

STOP! My stomach hurts!

Not so many crickets here in Florida, but lots of flying, freaky looking, totally harmless, but germ ridden, scare the snot outta me, palmetto bugs (or giant flying cockroaches to the uninitiated).