Tuesday, November 18, 2008

How to Shower

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks, turning all clothing right-side-out.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror.
Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Give him a little wink and a smile.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed keeping your boxer inside your pants.
If wearing whitie tighties, roll them all the way down your legs until they are a tight twisted rope-like object and kick your legs until they fly off.
Ignore where they land.
Unless it's the ceiling fan, then turn it on and fling them across the room.
Hold hands up in referee formation for field goal.
Leave all clothes in a pile on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Flex your non-existatant muscles and turn your head over your shoulder looking at your ass.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed as you fart again.
Laugh at how hilarious you are.

52 comments:

Jenni Jiggety said...

Bahahahaha! Farting in the shower IS loud. And funny!

Annie said...

NICE!

Suzann @ Lavender and Roses said...

Well, thank GoodNESS I didn't have any coffee in my mouth, 'cuz it would have come out my nose. Do all men Woo-hoo? I wasn't a woo girl, but I married a woo-hoo guy. Why is that? Why do all men think they have the best body and that we all want it? And, since I'm asking questions, what products actually contain "TRANS FATS"?

Jennifer Suarez said...

I always wash my hair twice :-D

But I don't cover up when I pass hubby, instead I like flashing him and giggling.

Soxy Deb said...

I've told you before to stop watching us while we shower. It's very invasive.

Linda S said...

you are spot on, sista...what's so damn funny about their farts anyway?

Deb said...

it's almost like you are really here... funny (crass) post, and all!

i miss you! but this helps...

Lori said...

That was awesome! And so true!

Julie said...

Lol...very cute.

AJ said...

Too funny! Love the shaking of the weiner;)

LadyFi said...

Too funny - says she spraying water everywhere!

Tiffany said...

Oh no my 5 year old is turning into a man. His loud farts are the funniest thing EVER to him.

Outnumbered2to1 said...

Yup, that's true. Except I'm like Jennifer and I flash my husband. No same here sister. But I suck in really really hard before I do it, because, you know, sucking in almost always erases those saddle bags on my thighs.

The Mom said...

Ugh the visual and odor-inducing thought of farting in the shower just made me a tad green. Hubby thinks it's hilarious! I want to exit the shower STAT. Yes we conserve water.

gingela5 said...

Hahhaha! So funny and so true all at the same time!

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

Girl you hit it SPOT ON!!

That is soooo funny. I can't tell you how many times he does the dilly shake at me!!

Threeundertwo said...

That is so funny, I'm sitting here laughing my head off.

All true, down to the apricot facial scrub.

Wheezer said...

Oh my gosh, were you watching Bubba this morning?!?! You better stop spying on him - he's shy, you know.

jsprik said...

have you been casing my house?? lol, that's hilarious!!

Debbie said...

Oh my word, you are seriously the funniest thing ever.

mommaof4wife2r said...

laughing...really hard!

Eudea-Mamia said...

I need to get that wedcam out of my bathroom. Cheeky monkey, you.

And after reading how a woman showers, I'm suddenly in the mood for a large bowl of fruit salad.

Hope you haven't fallen off the ship's balcony. I would really miss you.

Em

Kritta22 said...

Nice post while you are swimming with the fishys. I can't wait until you get home!

Shelley said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Are you sure you don't live in my house?

Mrs Parks said...

It's only funny cuz it's TRUE!!!

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

I think you just called me a man. Am I now a man, Jill?

countrygirl3031 said...

OMG...I am laughing so loud here at work..people are wondering if I'm nuts!!! That is soooo true...mine does the whooo hooo thing and dances around like he's God's gift...and I ignore!!!!

Thanks for making my day!

Hugz,
Michele

Liza said...

OMG, my whole office just turned around too look at me when I bust our laughing at "If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound". I had to bite my lip at the rest. HYSTERICAL!!!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Hahaha! Oh that's so true! Those men...gotta wiggle their waggles.

Nicole said...

Oh my god were you in my house???? I am laughing my ass off! That is my husband to the T! Even the weiner dance!!!! Is that like in their brains at birth or what? I have to have my husband read that when he gets home!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

OMG I just had a major coughing fit from laughing so hard.

Swirl Girl said...

THAT WAS FRICKIN' HILARIOUS!!!!

You got the guy thing down perfectly!

Shake weiner and make the woo-hoo sound!

hhahahahahahahahaha

Candid Carrie said...

Damn girl, you make me want a weiner of my own!

Instead I'll just scoop up these two old boobs, aim them at my husband, and make machine gun noises. Rat-a-tat-tat. Rat-a-tat-tat.

Crazy Charlene said...

hey jill~

i am back on line and thanks for the laugh!

Shannon @ Rocks In My Dryer said...

This made me laugh til my stomach hurts! Great post!

Jill said...

To funny! LMAO!!!

Chris H said...

The sad thing is... it's so TRUE!!!!

Shannon said...

I thought about showing this to hubby... but it hits a little close to home! HA!

binks said...

I am starting to feel like a tranny.

If Salty ever did the weenie, weenie shake, I would die from heart failure.

nikkicrumpet said...

ROFL....oh crap...that is so freaking funny...the whole waggle the weenie and woo hooing had me BREAKING UP...because it's SOOOO TRUE!!!!!! OMG thank you for the laugh!

Crazy Charlene said...

jill~~
i left you a little something something on my last post for tuesday (yes, i've missed blogging~~and reading blogs~~how do you tell~~(a)several posts in a row~~(b)posts that rambling on and on with insane thoughts and feeling~~(c)trolls who are toxic relatives~~(d) blogging and catching up on other bloggers for hours (e) all of the above~~

Crazy Charlene said...

i left off who me??

never post more than one post a day unless you are crazy!!

Raxx - A day in the life said...

Hello, got here from Nikki's blog, oh, this was just the funniest! still laughing here......

Mal's Randumb Thoughts said...

Oh my gosh, I am laughing SO hard.

Spot on.

Robin said...

OMG. HILARIOUS! The wiener shaking is just too much!
(By nature men just can not take care of themselves like we do. They're too busy farting/admiring their junk/peeing in the shower to properly groom.)
:) Robin

Deb said...

You mean you don't do these things? Uhh, well, neither do I, really. I mean, I don't have a weiner or anything.

I'll just shut up now.

littleeverydaythings said...

This is the funniest thing ever!!! I am LMAO and waking up my husband - yeah! Why do men still laugh at farts, why?

Mrs4444 said...

Wow. I have never laughed harder at at a post in the whole year that I've been reading them. (Wiping tears, here; the good kind!) Bravo! This is awesome, and I'll definitely be linking to it in a future post. Thanks.

Malaki said...

haa... saw this video up on youtube.
You describe it quite well. :)

Mrs4444 said...

Linked to you today and laughed (hard) reading it a second time! Brilliant :)

Mrs4444 said...

Me AGAIN! I just read your post to Mr.4444, who (half-way through) asked, "Did YOU write that?!" too funny!!

altesse said...

Omg....I laughed soooo much at the man shower!!! I do not shower like a woman, because I am allergic so any soap containing a.scent, but B&B Works.