Saturday, September 6, 2008

Doing a Line

As scheduled, my weekly bitch and moan for the week:



Dear person ahead of me in the 20 items or less line,



If you are going to stand there and think that I, the person with 2 items, AM NOT going to scan your half full basket holding 35 items, possibly 36 under the bath towels, you are sadly mistaken.



Don't give me that look, when I make eye contact, that tells me you want me to say something to you ABOUT those 35, possibly 36, items, because quite frankly, bitch, I might. But you do look rather mean with your self-made sleeveless T-shirt and cut-off shorts. And I, even though so not athletic, possibly could outrun your scarred up, dilapidated flip flop wearing, bird legs. I know we can discuss this as mature adults.



I would not even give it a second thought if you had even 21 items in your basket. But 35, possibly 36?! Come on!!! I saw you look at the sign, look in your basket and obviously NOT count how many things you had, not know how to count or read, or not even care that you were disobeying the unwritten law of the "20 Items or Less" line and assume they didn't mean you or you would have changed lanes.



I am a rule follower-written and unwritten. I go the speed limit, wear my seatbelt, come to complete stops, don't cut in line, and don't crowd the person ahead of me in line. And I know my Line Etiquette. Some my mother taught me, some I figured out on my own.



You on the other hand, are rude and uneducated not versed on Line Etiquette. Let me get a pen and paper and draw it out assist you.



You are probably the same person who puts your stuff on the conveyor belt WITHOUT putting the divider bar made to separate my groceries from yours, which makes me have to stand there and make sure I don't get charged with your crap items, BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO BUSY SCANNING THE NATIONAL INQUIRER TO PAY ATTENTION. That is not proper.



And, if you want keep what little teeth are in your head are are polite, step back when I put my PIN number in or sign my name. You make me nervous and I automatically assume you are going to roll me in the parking lot when I leave and steal my card. That is rude.



When you have a ton of items in your basket (like you do today) and are not in any hurry and the person behind you has 1 or 2 items, it's polite to let them go ahead of you. especially if they are old, or their item is heavy, or they give you the look that you are a f'n idiot and apparently can't count.



When you hear the person behind you gasping and grunting because it's hard for them to hold their 2 big items, don't turn around and look at them with that "Go get a basket" look, because for your information, there weren't any baskets available when they came in. That is cruel.



And I also want you to know, heifer precious, that I saw that you were completely entertained that I was having to wait on you as you hummed when you piled all your worthless shit purchases on the short counter, taking your sweet time, and adding a package of gum and 2 candy bars, which brought your total items to 38, because lucky for you, that was a sales flyer in your basket under the towels.



And thank you for leaving your basket right in the line AFTER I put my items on the counter. You are a bitch sweetheart. There may be hope for your worthless good for nothing ass you yet.

Sincerely,
The Lady behind you at Walmart

35 comments:

Tiffany said...

Um sorry? You should have said something to me. LOL Hubby tries to sneak into the express line with too many items. It pisses me off. But at least we DO let the old people ahead of us. Unless we're in a race to buy bread. Then all bets are off.

amelia bedelia said...

hey, was that you behind me??? sorry i didn't recognize you.

Ronda's Rants said...

Damn... those two other girls stole my line....I got nothing!
You are funny...I did have to go back and make sure yesterday was not a B&M...

georgie said...

LOL...dayummmm a day late and dollar short always...they stole my line dagumit...and i even had telepathy about this blog post so so so I fer sure fer sure "thought" it first mkay!

georgie said...

ohhhh p.s. I was LMAO @ "those other 2 girls" stealin me and rhondas Line pffftttt-who do they think they are?
;-)

georgie said...

ohhhh and i really thought this post was about 'blow' yep yep

Elaine A. said...

I was just about to ask why you were at Walmart... and then you singed your letter! I know you live in BFE...blah, blah, blah. ; )

I love that you used the word "heifer." So appropriate and quite funny.

NucMEd is Hot said...

Here's what I do...I let my children who have no verba filters ask the inevitable question "what is taking so long?". Then In a voice as loud as I can stand I state..."Well dears this IS the express lane and sorry to say some people don't care that you are going to be late to (insert activity of choice). Remember this girls when you have 38 items and you try to sneak into the express lane. Remember how rude it is."

I'm a bigger girl, they ususlly just look at me and huff. That's when my older one goes "yeah mom, that IS totally rude."

I enjoy it.

kwr221 said...

That is sooo why I don't go to Wal=Mart.

I'm a Target girl all the way. :-)

Deb said...

This just supports my theory that all shopping should be done online. I love it. No crap to deal with.

Confession: I have been known to look through People magazine in line. Am I a trashy heifer, or what?

Lisa said...

I totally feel guilty if I go to the 10 items or less line with even 11 items. I cannot believe someone thought it was ok to go through there with 35, possibly 36 items. RUDE!!!

Deb said...

Did you JUST learn how to do strikeovers or something and wanted to share it with all of us? Cause really, how many strikeovers does one post need?

I got in the "express" line last week at my grocery store - its 10 items or less and I had probably 17...You know why I did it? Cause they had 1 - count em 1 - other line open with people with buggies FULL of groceries (and I'm talking a line 6 deep) and no one in the "express" line.

Go 'head... Make My Day... I wouldn't have gotten out of that line even if they threatend to ban me from the store.

SO :p

TentCamper said...

I hate that!!!!

Mrs. Schmitty said...

SNORT! I HATE THAT!

Shelley said...

I totally loved this rant. I even got my mom to read it. I have so been the person behind the same one you were behind and I'm trying all to be nice and understanding, but sometimes, I think my face gives me away.....however, I really wish you would tell me how to do that strikeover thingie. It's great.

The Mom said...

What an annoying cow!

Janie said...

I was in your area this week, you know...

And I have one of those ripped off t-shirts, and cutoffs. And scarred up dilapidated flip flop wearing bird legs. That's what I wear when I travel. Sometimes, Southwest Airlines bitches when my cutoffs are too short. Or something...

Anyway, yeah. I saw you. In my peripherally eyeballs. I did. You be's eyeing my cool towels in the line at Wallyworld. That is MY saks fifth avenue, God bless Sam Walton. Back to the towels in my basket - I thought they were flinging a craving on you. I shoulda known better, I was buying those fluffy towels for my dog kennels. You wouldn't like hot pink striped towels, would ya?

The nerve! I can't believe you were counting my things. Showing off that you can count above 10, were ya? Who are you, a flippin' cpa or something? Get. a. life.

Oh, yeah...and I heard you grunting holding those heavy items. I thought about asking you something, I did. And it wasn't if you wanted to put those things down and take a break. I thought about asking you if you had a light. Yessireebob, I did.

But mature adults? You wanna meet as mature adults? No way, heifer. I mean princess.

Baaarrrrrrring it, girlfriend!

Holy s***, Jill...you are too freakin' funny.

Blog Stalker said...

I think you struck a cord. I know I have probbly been guilty of 21 or 22 in the 20 or less line. But hello! what is the idea? I get the whole rule following. For the most part I am too. There are way too many who think that the rules are for everyone but them.

You totally should have said something. But like into your cell phone.(who cares if you are really only checking the time in tokyo) "I can't believe this hussy in front of me has like 35 plus items in a 20 or less line!" and then passive aggressive like smile at her. See, no confrontation, but you feel better and she knows shes a ________
(fill in the blank)

And this btw is another reason I hate going to Walmart.....not that it is confined to that store...

American in Norway said...

You tell em! I am always afraid said red neck will beat my ass if I say something... So I don't..
Thanks for speaking up for the rest of us!

georgie said...

I want you to know had nightmares last night-that I was walking to the checkout line and some woman with a cart full of groceries runs in front of me then turns and looks at my 3 whole items and starts scanning her groceries...

then I had another nightmare that i had forgotten to mention someone sooooo supa SPESHAL had added the SSS button to her blog and EVEN linked it-then I woke and here I am THANK YOU jill jill bo bill-we are gonna have soooooo much fun...ohhhh before I woke I dreamt that your Birthday is coming up-I know it is prolly my 6th sense kickin in and NOT the fact you mentioned all this in the comment section of my blog ;-)

Brittany said...

hahahaha...I am so guilty of this.

careysue said...

My thoughts EXACTLY! Thank you for saying it!

You're too too funny.

3D said...

and now after reading all of these I am MOST surprised that no one else besides me admitted to even doing this. I don't believe for a minute that there aren't more of you (like me) out there....

Jyl @ MommyGossip said...

Why does this always happen at Wal-Mart? I love their prices. I love that I can get my pictures developed while purchasing toys, TIDE, and t-shirts. But seriously... the people? AHHHHHH! Wait! I am one of them. ;)

georgie said...

where are YOU I NEED you...I made a change and Deb didnt give me the answer i wanted so I need a tie breaker...get over to my blog pronto....

pretty please

Leslie said...

Not only does that make me crazy, but why does the store have 30 checkout lanes and have 3 open? Bastards.

Swirl Girl said...

too funny-
I would have said it out loud.
You are obviously more tactful than I.

Brenda said...

The homemade sleeveless shirt would have totally distracted me from counting! Not really b/c that is one of my biggest pet peeves too.

Stop by for an award on my blog!

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

I refuse to shop there at all. I hate that place with a passion. Bless you for following the rules.

Annie said...

I'm a closet counter....for all those who aren't! Hate it myself!

Lisa L said...

Jill. The 'bird legs'? and the 'cut off T?' OMG...I have just laughed my fat ass off girl! Thank you for your humor..I needed it today. (On call for Hospice this weekend)...you know how it is.....

Linda S said...

They are also the ones that forget an item that's in the back of the store and get "slow as molassas Sally" to go get it for them.."No not that Chamin, the one in the pink rapper!"

Jennifer said...

LOL!! You know what bugs me? When someone goes down the checkout lane first and pulls the cart behind them--then you can't get through to properly unload your cart.

just a girl... said...

wow you are freaking heilarious. At it took this long to find you why. I see Georgie and Tiffany, Hi guys. NucMed and Deb Oh my!

h2ofossil said...

I have actually been in a BFE Wal-Mart with our sweet jill....

Yes, she is tactful....she says all of this just above a whisper...making sure to smile sweetly at the heifer...

when said heifer turns around to see if she, the one wearing the oh-so-attractive outfit along with the arms that look as if she has been rolling in chiggers (we can only hope they are chigger bites), is the one that jill is whispering about...

Then jill just bats her eyes and giggles. Too funny!