Thursday, September 4, 2008

Tork Me and Die

Alright, I told you last week that on Fri or Sat would be my WEEKLY B&M. And it will be. So tonight's post isn't a B&M at all. It's observations that set my teeth on edge and make my eye twitch. It's the sounds that make me stop whatever it is I am doing and give the "Evil Eye" to the one that is making the noise. It's hereditary and I got the genes from my father.

My daddy called it "torking his jaw". And it goes a little something like this...
1. Put your teeth together.
2. Put your hand on your jaw.
3. Now bite down with your teeth together and feel "the tork".
4. Do it over and over.

Whenever we saw daddy's jaws move, we knew the wrath was about to fly. Sometimes we got the warning, "That really torks my jaw!" and we stopped midair whatever we were doing, guilty or not. (I don't do the "tork", because things get on my nerves too much and I would develop TMJ to the extent that I would have to wear the apparatus 24/7, plus I am a big fat wuss and hate pain.)

Below are the things that make me crazy and torked my daddy's jaw:


**Ice Crunching**
There are 2 types of these people as well as 2 speeds in which they crunch (and you know who you are):
1. The closed-mouth crunchers.
*The slow crunchers are the least annoying, but still make me want jab a sharp stick in my eye.
2. The open-mouthed crunchers.
*Slow or irritatingly speedy crunchers make me want to jab my fist in their eye. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE!!! Shut your f'n mouth!
**Last Drop Straw Suckers**
Really?!! Are you really THAT thirsty that those last 2 drops will quench that thirst? The sound you hear is the universal language meaning "IT IS GONE". And PLEASE quit pulling the straw in and out to strategically place it over the liquid that isn't there.
**The Smackers**
My friend, you are not a dog. You did not just drink out of a bowl and hopefully you haven't just licked your ass. You have a bad taste in your mouth. Why must you punish yourself and those within earshot by tasting it and re-tasting it over and over?
**The Teeth Suckers**
They sell these little things that are toothpicks and floss together. They are inexpensive. If you need a loan from me to purchase these items, please let me know.
**The "Do I have a booger" Inhale /Exhale Test**
Yes, you do, or you wouldn't have had the need to do that action. And PLEASE use a tissue, not your finger to remove the cliff-hanger. Or worse, blow it out on a hefty exhale.
All my friends and family know and abide by these rules when they are within arm's length of me. They are smart. And it only took them one or two whacks to cement it in their memory.

37 comments:

Swirl Girl said...

This is officially the funniest thing I have heard in days...

let's add this to the list:

My kid has a loogie and is doing that scraping, loogie wadding, trying to spit sound. over and over and over again....
From another room and it still makes me double pump a little.

amelia bedelia said...

she's tellin' the truth ladies. i have a glass eye because i was eating ice within ear shot of her as a young child. you should feel sorry for me.

dana wyzard said...

I have GOT to steal (did I say that our loud?) this idea; and the list, and the remarks, and the ......just don't come to my blog for a while. OKEE DOKEE?

dana wyzard said...

Damn. Try to steal ONE IDEA and suddenly I cn't spell right.

Leslie said...

Please don't hate me, but I'm a closed mouth ice cruncher.

NucMEd is Hot said...

I live with a smacker and a sucker. God help me.

TentCamper said...

That is so funny! I hate those too...but what about
'saggers' - kids who war their pants below their butt in the back..having to hold up their pants as they walk.
'musicADD' kids - kid who can't listen to a whole song (radio or iPod) and continually change the song/station...or every 3 seconds say, put it on 103, put it on 98.7, put it on 100

drives me to drink!....oh....good idea.

Insane Mama said...

Oh shit I am a teeth sucker, Sorry Jill, I really don't mean to be, it's just that the ICE is SO COLD.



Please forgive me.

:(

Insane Mama said...

Your word verification thingy is messing with me, do you know I tried like 6 times? Do you think I should recognition for that? Cuz I do. I have had two glasses of wine and whooly moley or is it holy moley or macaraoni..I mean M.a.c.a.r.o.n.i

Sheesh.
For real
Seriously
OK, I'll shut up know... oops I mean n.o.w.
Phew....

Insane Mama said...

Whoa, apparently I am NOTY (by that I mean N.O.T) dis swirl girl say double pump? Holy shit (not wholey) that was funny

Insane Mama said...

Does Amelia really have a glass eye? Cool.
She is like a pirate, but cuter in her little apron self.

Insane Mama said...

Can you please convince amelia to post a photo in just the apron? How cool would it be?
Can I join your family?
I'm done, I swear.

Maybe

Insane Mama said...

Oh, and tenter, my man.. he really needs to spell check.
Oh wait, so do I

Ok Goodnight

It appears I am in her having totally legitimate discussions with myself, but that's OK, right?

Insane Mama said...

I meant to say in here not in her

Goodnight

jill jill bo bill said...

Swirly- I am with Mariah- the double pump thing f'n hilarious.
Am- my elbow is a deadly weapon
Dana- see, the gods aren't smiling on theives...
les-stand far away from me. tell me you at least crunch slowly.
Nukie-I feel your pain
wind peeer-ooo, yeah I hate those too. It's a karate chop if they change my station in MY car.
Insane drunk mamma-yes i forgive you; I hate those verification things,too; I agree!!!; no she's a liar; no, because she would pay me back and I am fatter; and yes, you can the sister we despise place.

jill jill bo bill said...

You can take the sister we despise place. Shit, I can't spell either and I haven't even had anything to drink. And your pee man has a weak left pinky or a shitty keyboard. he always leaves the "a" off. Good thing he's hot. He would never make it as a secretary.

Good night. But you are probably already passed out...

Kritta22 said...

Please add to this list:
Teeth Pickers...seriously go to the restroom!! I hate it..I don't wanna see what comes out of your teeth.

Oh and ear pickers too! Gross!

Deb said...

What about those who choose to blow their nose in the shower?

Ronda's Rants said...

My HUBBY picks his teeth constantly....drives me insane!!! One day you will read about a murder/suicide in Florida!
Whew...I need a glass of wine...except it is now 7:30 in the morning...maybe too much coffee!

Ronda's Rants said...

Okay, I have another question...it says...word verification...but thoses aren't words right?

georgie said...

I am happy to report that I do NOT do any of those things on that list! So you can adopt me now...

Shelley said...

OMGosh!!! We are twins, Jill. I too despise each of those things with a passion and I too inherited that genetically from my father. We did not make any of those noises coming up or my dad would have (and did) whack us away from the table or wherever we happened to be standing.) I am extremely intolerant of little noises like that because of those genes that got passed on to me. It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one. I'll have to ask my mom if she gave away my twin when I was born.

Deb said...

at first glance i thought - shit! Jill must be having a contest that I missed or got real popular cause there's a lot of comments on here. then i realized they were ALL from IM. WHEW! Good to know your definitely still not popular cause I never did hang out with the popular crowd.

That list is crazy funny, but for me it's the sucking snot thing. I understand sinus drip, but trust me, you dont have to suck it down your throat. It's gonna get there on it's own - it needs no help.

jill jill bo bill said...

sista krista- I would rather see someone pick their teeth than to see the spinach in their teeth.
Deb-Ooo yeah, that is gross, but apparently necessary if you have a penis.
Ronda-Ha-murder/suicide!! And what? You do say fvmffkgq in everyday conversation? You are weird.
Gdog- Oh, Thank God! I would've hated to have to whack you or put your eye out like Amy. And, the papers are being filed as we speak.
Shelley-Is your mom rich? If so, then we are definitely twins and I need to be added to the will.

jill jill bo bill said...

3D- you are special and get your own comment. YES!!! The two parter where they sniff and bring it up in the throat IN THE RESTAURANT, must be banned. That to me justifies their own room with sound proof walls.

Tiffany said...

I hate slurpers. My hubby is a noodle slurper and I swear I want to shove those noodles up his ass sometimes. And one time I went to the show and we had a last sipper behind us and I was so pissed at hearing his straw that I turned into a laughing mess. I could not stop laughing and then hubby joined in and people had to move away from us. Damn last sipper made me miss half the movie.

careysue said...

My dad hated all of those noises or habits as well, plus if you sniffed at the table you got the "LOOK" we all knew what that meant...GET UP AND BLOW YOUR NOSE!

Blog Stalker said...

straw slurpers! Thats the worse. Oh and while we're at it, what about the people who make such a production out of drinking(inhaling) water from their water bottle. Just me?

Sidney said...

Well, my kids are slurpers/suckers, and my oldest son just LOVES to spit, and when he's mad, he'll spit on my car, the windows, the walls, his sibs, whatever....

Oh, and my ex...now this is gross, and yes, you may wonder why I lasted 17 years with this moron...ya know the cliffhangers? Well, let's just say he never admitted, after repeatedly being caught, to...gag...eating them....

'K, I'm gonna go hurl now....

American in Norway said...

You are so funny. BUt I must admit... I am a closed mouth ice chomper...

Deb said...

:*) I weep with joy and honor

Jyl @ MommyGossip said...

Oh! My! That last one has me laughing out loud.

amelia bedelia said...

I really do have a glass eye, i pop it out at night and put it in my water glass. heehee!

Midlife Slices said...

ALL of those make me want to chew sandpaper. Thanks for setting my teeth on edge. ackkkk...

Misplaced Country Girl said...

I am paranoid to eat anything crunchy in public. I'm always afraid I'm going to annoy someone with it. I just can't figure out the polite way to eat chips without driving someone nuts. I'm sorry if I'm annoying but, at least I'm aware and I'm doing my best not to.

jarrard said...

We have a friend of ours that 1) smacks 2) talks with their mouth full (while smacking at the same time) and 3) is a finger sucker. It is truly a trifecta.

When we go out to dinner this person and they are there first my husband and I do a power walk race (trying to look non chalant) through the restaurant to be the first one to the furthest chair away. My son has gotten in on this too so I'm sure we look like total idiots as we are trying to get to our table.

Thank goodness the person is oblivious. They are the sweetest on this earth and one of my dearest friends.

Lisa L said...

God this post really hit my sensitive places :)......I'm a very patient person, but there are a few things that make me want to crawl out of my skin:
1. Eating with your mouth open. And clearly enjoying the tastes with those hideous smacking sounds. I have to actually get up and leave a room if someone is doing that right next to me.
2. Please. Do not slurp your soup at the table. It makes me taste vomit in my throat.
3. And when the meal is over? Don't visibly drag and suck your tongue over each and every tooth in your head to get out the caught up pieces of food between your teeth. Because, as much as I adore you, I will have to part company and remove myself from the room.
4. Booger in your throat? And you need to hock and spit? Leave the building. And do it within earshot of no one. It is a disgusting noise and causing nausea en masse is not fair to your community. Let alone your loved ones.
5. If you must pick your nose, and eat it, tell no one. This is your little secret, and you're entitled to it. But do it around me? You'll have more to clean up than your own booger. Some peoples' stomachs are weak.