Friday, September 19, 2008

My Weekly B&M

Let me preface this B&M by saying that just because it's about my husband does not it in any way reflect that I have bad feelings for him. He is the love of my life, as irritating as he can be!

I met Rick at the hospital while caring for his ill father. I was going thru a divorce, finishing the last semesters of my RN and working 40 hours a week. We were friends from the beginning and I got to know him on that level for 6 months before we began dating. He took me and all 5 of my kids and supported us emotionally, financially, and spiritually and willingly, and added my niece to that equation for over three years. He is the kind of man women wish their husbands were like. I thank God daily for him.

As perfect as he is, he still sometimes makes me do the death-stare-with-one-eyebrow-raised look, only with a slight grin. He unintentionally makes me laugh, which never gets old.

He never laughs out loud when he reads my posts. Now I have shared some of your posts with him and he laughs out loud. Cackles. Chuckles. And on Amelia's Nell Carter post, he cried laughing along with me.
But when he reads mine: n o t h i n g
I finish my post, slide my laptop over to him and go out on the back porch so I can watch him through the windows. He reads, he thinks, he adjusts his reading glasses, with no expression on his face. I usually tap on window and say, "Don't ya think that's funny?!" to which I get a quick nod. I have even gone as far as yelling, "Now THAT sh*t is funny! Why are you not laughing?!" to which he says, "I'm laughing on the inside" and pats his chest. He tries to make it up to me by coming outside with me and saying some ridiculous bullsh*t like, "You should write. That is really good. Does this mean we can't have sex tonight?" Is it asking too much for a grin? a chuckle? a nod of agreement? Hell, I am not expecting him to lay his head on the table and pound his fists while tears of laughter run down his face. Just give me something!

He is an "UMMMM" user. He runs a very successful construction company and has millions of things going on in his mind. I made a pledge to him after talking with him on the phone, that he is allowed only 3 UMMMs in one phone conversation. After the third "UMMM", I say, "LOVE YOU! CALL ME BACK WHEN YOU THINK OF WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY! BYE!" Here is an example of one of our conversations:
Rick: "Hey, honey. What are you doing?"
me: "About to walk into a patient's house. What's up?"
R: "Just wanted to ...ummm......see.......um.....Damn! I think I missed my turn!....um...Are you going to....um........Shit! There is no way I can get my trailer in there!...um.....Guess who I ran into today?"
me: "Honey, I have to go soon. Who did you run into?"
R: "........um......What's her name?"
me: "RICK! FORTHELOVEOFGOD spit it out! FOCUS!!! I have to go in and see someone sick with Alzheimer's."
R: "Okay, okay! Ya don't have to get testy! Call me when you are done. Love you. Bye."
me: "loveyoutoobye.

He is incredibly RANDOM: The Randomness of his conversations are hilarious. We can be in a group of people talking and visiting when he states, "18,765." All verbiage stops and all eyes are fixated on this man. "Sorry, Just figuring something in my head." And all conversation resumes as if this is common. And it is. Holidays, Parties, Vacations, you name it he is always thinking. I know you are wondering, and no, he has never moaned anything like that out when we are "busy". He is focused. But immediately following....it's "mumble mumble 9584, 24,780, mumble mumble." I just smile and ignore it.

He carries more junk in his pockets than the average woman carries in her purse. This man comes home and piles his computer bag down and puts his receipts, phone, earpiece, pens, pencils, credit card wallet, change, money, gum, chewing tobacco, wedding ring, watch, reading glasses and sunglasses into his cap. The cap sits over-flowing with his stuff and it takes him 10 minutes to pack it all up again when we leave the house. And cargo shorts may have gone out of style, but it beats him carrying a man purse, which is the next option.

He can sleep anywhere anytime. He works long hard hours and wherever he lights, he closes his eyes and his mouth drops open. It's a comfort to look over and see he is peaceful and resting. I have found him sleeping like a baby on his back on the hardwood floors his boys are installing, amidst the roar of the sander, the nail gun, and the loud Tejano music playing on the radio propped up in the window. If he gets still in one place for too long, he's out. Until his phone goes off and wakes him up. Going to the movies is NOT a fun date for us.

He has this obsession with jiggling my fat. All my fat. This is the peak of his irritating habits. With his open hand he cups me and jiggles and won't stop until I make him. He does it to my breasts, my legs, my butt, my arms, my pudge. He does it in passing, when we stand together, in the shower, when I cook, when I am on the phone, in the car, standing in line, etc. Wherever he can reach me, he is jiggling me. And since we've been married, he has about 20 lbs of extra fat to jiggle. It drives me bonkers.

So if he isn't asleep at the kitchen computer, looking thru his hat that holds his junk, talking on the phone saying "ummm" to someone else, not laughing at my posts, or randomly shouting out numbers, he is beside me, supporting me, encouraging me, loving me, helping me, and jiggling me. God, I love this man! I am not bitchin' or moanin' AT ALL.

34 comments:

Deb said...

mike does not laugh at my posts either but thinks you are the next Erma Bombeck.
and if cargo shorts/pants have gone out of style, please dont tell mike. he too has an abundance of shit he carries in his pockets (laundry days can be an adventure) that he mostly forgets to remove. any money i find - is mine. possesion is 9/10ths of the law after all.
and sleep - OMG! I can be talking to him while we are sitting on the couch watching ANYTHING - and turn back to face hime and he is OUT!!
Now he knows better than to jiggle my fat intentionally - that's just suicide.
I on the other hand am the random one. We can be in bed - lights out for some time - and I will jsut holler out something I had been wondering earlier in the day. A name of an aquaintance who called for him, a phone number i could not remember until the dawns early light - This irritates the hell out of him - cause I will jump up and scream it out before writing it down. Knowing full well if I dont yell it out I will forget it again (lol).

It is nice to have THAT person though. That jiggles your fat and still loves you. In spite of or because of that same fat. :)

Julie said...

Aw, I think I love him too. Does he have a brother for me?

You are a lucky lady, I'd give up a body part for a man like that.

Kritta22 said...

That's so cute that you put up with that stuff! It makes me smile that you heart him!
Thanks for sharing, I like getting to know your world.
PS my husband laughs at your posts. Does that count?

Annie said...

That was sweet! I think that he may be a long lost twin of my husband, because you could have been describing him minus the fat jiggling part. He wouldn' be breathing if he was a'jigglin!
I'm so new too blogging, I haven't even had DH read my blog. I don't think he would laugh, either!

Tiffany said...

Damn Deb why don't you write a freaking novel on here next time.

My hubby doesn't even WANT to read my blog. He has no idea what blogs are. He's just now learning how to search on the net and barely understands email.

And he too piles his crap in his hat and is also a grabber. Not a jiggler but a grabber. I always yell at him to stop groping me. But at least he likes to grab some fat.

georgie said...

Well I wish mr gp was interested in my blogs period...don't get me wrong i love him BUT sometimes it seems the longer we are married the less we have in common....truth be told I married him cuz he was good in bed...I KID I KID thats not the only reason!

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

You do realize, dearie, he did let you install the urinal in the house, so that should automatically offset half of the ummms.

amelia bedelia said...

I love that guy! Oh, and he secretly tells me that I am funnier than you. sorry.

(p.s. Im with tiff on the "book" deb wrote, what's up with that, dang get a room!)

Janie said...

Steve and I think you're funnier than shit! (The good kind)

(It's hard to laugh with numbing cream on your face - I feel like freakin' Joan Rivers - getting a Fraxel treatment this afternoon - let ya know how it goes or if my face falls off.)

Janie said...

I've noticed lately that you are inspiring me to say "shit" lots, Godly woman that I am and all.

Oh, well, He loves me. Yes, He does.

Janie said...

Oh yeah...Steve laughs at my posts...but it's probably because it's the only intelligent conversation we have together, what with our schedules and all.

Shit.

Deb said...

you can all bite me!! there.. short and not so sweet!

Mama Dawg said...

That is so sweet. What a wonderful man.

Tenakim said...

ummm. now I see why we get along because you just described me!

Farrago said...

He never laughs out loud at your posts because he experiences your humor all the time. It doesn't mean you're not funny, it just means he's immune to its effects. If he says it's funny, he means it.

"Ummmm," means 1) he's thinking. Would you rather he not think? 2) He's reassuring you that he's not ignoring you by making a sound that lets you know he's still responding to you and hasn't fallen asleep.

So he jiggles your fat. This means he loves you...ALL of you. The converse would be if he wouldn't touch you at all because of the fat.
Next time he does it, fondle his crotch. It's what he wants.

Well... it's what all men want, but he's trying to earn it.

Julie said...

Matt & Ben are coming over to jiggle my fat later.

If you don't hear from me for several days, DO NOT SEND HELP.

Swirl Girl said...

I bet he's a very good driver, a very good driver and when Pat Sajack is on...he's all "time for the Wheel".

just for kicks, drop a box of toothpicks on the floor.

BacktoBarnwell said...

So, did he laugh when reading mine? BTW I laugh at your blog! I put you on my blog roller too which btw is sort of hard to get onto...

J'Ollie Primitives said...

amen sister!

my techie sweetie talks NONSTOP about jigs and routers and assembly tables and manly stuff. Smile & nod.

Fat jiggling? nonono no touchie the rolls.

gingela5 said...

At least your husband reads your blogs!! :) He only reads them when I force him too! It's amazing how you can love someone so much yet want to hit them upside the head!

Mrs Parks said...

My husband will read my posts with a blank stare.
I say, do you NOT think thats funny, because that is SO funny, what, dou you just not get it.....
I get it, he says, I'm just laughing on the inside.

He laughs out lout and Sanford and Son, but me, not so much.

I VOTED!

GinGin said...

Hey girl, whatcha doin today. I got to keep wes yesterday and I'm going back to the barrel race that Shani's running in to keep him again today. It's a miracle, I'll get to see him two days in a row. He and Kaydi do need to get together.

Jen said...

Sounds like you have a keeper!! I have a similar one. I too thank God for him everyday, and then some days I start out sentences with, "I swear to God if you...." :) I really enjoy your blog. So much so that I spend all of my time reading other peoples blogs and not updating mine. Other people's lives seem more fun!! XO

Insane Mama said...

Why must men grab our butts and wiggle the fat up and down? WHY?

Ronda's Rants said...

Wow...My Hubby could be your Hubby except...mine NEVER leaves my side!!!
It does bug me...that he doesn't laugh at my jokes...I have on occasion cracked up an entire room of both males and females and I have looked at him to see if he laughed and nothing!!! Bugs the crap out of me...the best he has said is "She steals all my stuff!" As if!!!
Well, for the record YOU are funny Jill! :) (I made Bonnie laugh!!!)

Blog Stalker said...

Laughing on the inside? Classic.

GoteeMan said...

sorry - better not weigh in here...
guilty of the "more junk in his pockets" thingy...

um, where was the door again?

;-P

J/ (goteeman.blogspot.com)

Jyl @ MommyGossip said...

So I'm talking to a friend today and telling her about my blog addiction and she doesn't get it. Has tried to read, has tried to blog, and hates it. So, I tell her about these gals she would love, that she needs to read. I was talking about you, Deb, Amy, Georgie... she'd love you. You take a topic--long or short, doesn't matter--and you keep me holding right on until the end and I am not laughing on the inside. I am busting a gut. So... I am forwarding this friend a link to your sites, so she can taste of the good life. She's gonna get hooked! And if not... I'll keep coming back for more.

My hubbie never laughs at mine either BTW.

careysue said...

I just love you girls!!


I don't even let my kids touch the fat! never.ever.off.limits.

Julie said...

Hey pumpkin, thanks for the nice thoughts today. Had I read it earlier, I might have taken you up on that offer to get on my broom and fly down to Dallas! I have no doubt I'd have made memories there that will last for a lifetime!!! ::smooch::

Elaine A. said...

That fat jigglin' thing is about the sweetest thing I have ever heard. I mean really, how romantic is that? ; )

My husband is the same way with his always thinking and randomness. Sometimes I really wonder what is going on up there...

Scary Mommy said...

oh, he's a keeper!! Do you fat jiggle him back?? :)
And he must be immune to your humor because you are totally hilarious.

Leslie said...

After the last 5 days I've had....I thank you for that post and giving men in my line of fire a chance.

Brenda said...

Love your B&M - it totally made me smile! Your husband sounds like an awesome guy!