Saturday, September 13, 2008

In Case I Die

As I frantically try to read up on all my favorite blogs before the power goes out and batten down the hatches around here, I was thinking, I have no idea what I will say today. I don't have Photoshop, so I can't do anything funny like Tiff from Stuck in the Sticks.(sorry no time to linky)

And because I am a drama queen and think there is some remote chance that here, south of Dallas, might be in the path of stupid ol' IKE and I have a chance of being a statistic, I want to let everyone that I have ever commented on and that has commented on me, that I love you. Even mean adorable Dana from LIFE IS GOOD. (again, sorry no time to link) Just in case the house falls on me and all that is left are my striped leggings and glittery red shoes sticking out, I want my blog family to know how important you are to me.

I am not getting mushy, because I hate that snot thing, but I am really bonded to you guys and if I survive, am looking forward to getting to know the new "blood" I have met thru SSS. And speaking of SSS, if I am never found in all the rubble, whoever draws my name can mail it to Amelia because she probably would have eventually whined until I gave it to her anyway.

So, quickly, before I lose power, I saw this on The Mom, Jen's, blog this morning. She is over on my blogroll under Cheaper than Therapy(again, forgive me, no link). She had this wonderful idea to tell what you are doing this weekend using the word THERAPY. So here are my Hurricane Plans for today:
T: Take all my ferns in and Talk one last time to my friends (sob).
H: Help my husband clean out the other side of the garage to get all his sh-stuff from his truck in and Holler at my kids to help instead of watching TV.
E: Eat. duh. Explain to my kids how much I love them and how sad they would be if I was crunched under a giant beam and how they should have been nicer to me.
R: Rick. I am going to hold his hand and kiss him and tell him how lucky he is. Regret that I haven't even gotten to show you my cool toenail polish. Yes Tiff, I was planning on giving you a warning.
A: Accept the fact that I won't ever be a size six again and be happy with the double digits. Act like I know what I am talking about when I speak about math or computers, cuz I really don't.
P: Pee on the Toilet. Important to add "on the toilet", since I am sure when you die, you pee yourself. And poop. Sometimes, but I have already done that today, so I think I am good. And you're welcome for the info. Prepare lunch, lasagna, to be exact. I want to go out on a good Martha Stewart note.
Y: Yak as I am cleaning out the hall closet under the stairs to die, I mean hide in, because there are dust bunnies in there as big as footballs and I want my last breaths to be clean ones. Yammer on and on about how if I was still alive, I would be the next Dooce and make millions and have all my blog friends live in the community I have built for them, so we can hang out at our pools and drink and laugh while our nannies take care of the kids and our maids are cleaning our houses, and the chefs are making our favorite meals. Amelia, 3D Deb, Georgie, Tiff, Tena, Sue, Jen, Karen, Leslie, Dana, Sidney, Swirl, Coral, Deb, Gin, Tracy, both Hollys, Elaine, Poppet, Janie, Stalker, Brittany, Ronda, Rhonda, Amy, Lisa, Mariah, Chris, Carrie, Krista, Jill, Danielle, and all my new friends would be there, taking turns having the nightly bash at their house that I would build for them. It would've been so FUN!!!!!

Okay, things are getting crazy here and my husband is on his way back from doing payroll and I have to act like I have been working and not writing. The winds have picked up and it's raining harder. Claire has asked a friend to come over and the crazy fool is actually getting out in this weather. Stupid parents. Oh well, just another set of eyes to watch me pass from this life. Better go put makeup on so I can look good in the coroner pictures they might have to take of me. God, I hope my cellulite butt and legs aren't going to show...

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!! Good bye!!!!

24 comments:

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

Hang on for dear life Jill, sending many blessings your way and as soon as you can let us bloggy folks know your okay

amelia bedelia said...

hey can i have all your clothes and jewelry? nice knowin' ya sis!

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

Huh? You're kidding right? The wind picked up a little bit, but this is nothing. I was pissed I wasn't home to actually get to play in the real stuff. Damn hubby making me live here. I miss all the fun.

The Mom said...

STay safe my friend, it isn't your time, *whispering* it ISN'T your time!

Janie said...

Holy crap! I had no idea it was coming that close to you!

Praying Praying Praying Praying Praying

love to you!!!

Linda S said...

Even as you cling to life, you manage to make us laugh...bravo, jill!

Mrs. Schmitty said...

You can't leave me now...I just met you!!! ;(

Insane Mama said...

Don't ever fucking scare me with the words if I die.
Got it! Or I will come out to Dallas and kick you ass.

And then I'll take you out for ice cream :)

Deb said...

Jill,

Make sure you put on nice underwear too, so when you wind up on Dr. G, Medical Examiner (Discovery Health Channel), she won't be grossed out. Besides, the coroner might be hot too.

Sidney said...

Do you think they'll post autopsy photos of you like they did of Tupac?

And my oldest son has been out all afternoon playing football by himself and then running in and dripping all over my hardwood floors, saying, "It's not wet".

And, yeah, I'm sorry I never got to meet you in person. You sound like an awesome person. Who ya gonna send in your place to Canton??

Love you!

Oh, and anybody reading this now, I'm north of Dallas, so "ditto" what Jill posted...except for the striped leggings and glittery shoes. Nose wart, check.

Sidney said...

And yes, I do think we are kindred spirits, as evidenced by our cross collection, and our bevy of offspring...

Tiffany said...

Holy fucking shit. I thought I was the only retard watching Dr. G. It had to be you huh Deb?

And thanks for not linking me. WTF were you thinking? I could have gotten so many more readers. Oh wait sorry. We're talking about you.

I think I could handle the painted toes since they are painted and I can't actually see the nails. I don't know. You know how I am about feet.

And damn I could have totally made you a photoshop pic. Ahh I would have just stuck your head on my pic. You could've made up a story about finding the 2 dogs and kid in the car.

So all in all, think ahead of time Jill! And beat down whoever is between you and the bread!

J'Ollie Primitives said...

please remember to take your camera and your laptop into the closet.

We'll need before and after photos and comments.

Seriously, fingers and toes are crossed that it's all blown over and done with, with NO DRAMA. Fake storm drama blogging is encouraged.

Scuse me while I go check the Weather Channel.

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

I hope you fair well, please give us a update when possible. If not send your flying monkey's out to deliver a message to us.

Stay Safe!!

Tenakim said...

I am reading this after you have tweeted a message that you're alive so I guess I can nix all the mushy shit and tell you to hurry back!

Swirl Girl said...

You ain't goin' nowhere my friend!

You are welcome to come to SoCal and wait it out!

I have plenty of wine and other libations...and if there's an earthquake - we'll be too buzzed to know!

Swirl Girl

georgie said...

I was layin in my bed watchin SNL and 'lil waynes' droopy drawers and I thought of you Jill...man my mind these days...

ahem i am ummm glad that you had time before you went to the nig house to go snoopin through my blog and found out my deepest darkest secret! ;-)

Glad your OK! we got some MAJOR winds right now....and I LOVE you too!

The SSS list is GROWING! OMGosh! oh and you are 'my' dooce fer sure fer sure

oh and I watch DR G too

Kritta22 said...

You are gonna build me a house?!! Can it not be in Alaska? That'd be great.
I love ya Sista Jill...be safe!

amelia bedelia said...

dang, all is well. I was so wanting your diamonds!!

Julie said...

You didn't get taken down by a blow job did you?

Um, I mean bad winds...

Hope all is well!

Scary Mommy said...

Assuming you are alive and well, you enormous drama queen!

Julie said...

OK biyotch, you can't die now. You're my 8th most commenter!!! I have a heart on for you!

Dawn said...

*Snort* This was some funny stuff!

Elaine A. said...

You're such a drama queen. But you already know that.

Thanks for the shout out. Now that you've survived you know you need to link to all of us right? Blog rule #235... Just sayin...