Thursday, September 25, 2008

I CHEATED

I want to say thanks again to all who commented, sent cards, texts, sang to me on my voicemail, wrote on my FaceBook that I can't remember the password to, and for the gifts. This Blogging thing ROCKS!!!!

As I attempted to thank each of you individually and read your posts for the day, I noticed EXERCISE was mentioned as the new topic for many of you. And if you are new here, I am completely allergic to doing anything that would make me sweat and become beet-red. But, as I attempted to find something to wear yesterday to go shopping with my poor naive wonderful sappy husband, I have concluded there is NO other solution to the growing pudge and widening lower half of my already larger-than-life lower extremities. Realizing I have to exercise, my post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) set in and the flashbacks began.

Because I finished college later in life, in my 30's, I was usually the oldest student in all my classes. And because I didn't want to do my PE credits online because I insanely wanted to have the entire college "experience", I took WEIGHTLIFTING as my credit.

I arrived at the gym early since I had no one to twist my hair for and pop my bubblegum for and because I am an unadulterated brown-nose. As the students began to trickle in, they, of course, take a look at me and go to the opposite side of the room. I glance up after 10 minutes past when the class was supposed to begin, to see a room full of 19-20 year old boys. Big athletic boys. One of them looked at me and said,"Are you the teacher?" to which I responded with a mature, "PPPFFFT".

The panic set in and the realization that I was WAY out of my league with these boys was completely overwhelming. The coach arrived and called roll and gave us the introduction tour of the equipment. I am not even paying attention, thinking the entire time how I am going to have to drop this class and do something else. My heart rate was about 160 and I was thinking A) I am going to fall out and these boys were going to witness the old fat lady die before any exercise was ever done, or B) I am actually going to have to work out in front of these boys, all of which I could have given birth to.

Class ended early and I approached the coach and said something to the effect of, "Probably going to drop this class", "Way too old", "No one my age or sex here" to which he responds without even looking up, "I figured." scrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech. "Excuse me?"
He looks up now and coyly smiles and repeats himself, "I figured you would drop the class."
I have no idea what possessed me, but suddenly I was determined to finish this stupid class, if it killed me, which as I let his office, I was sure it would. But I would die under the heading"Old Fat Woman Dies Trying to Work Out With Football Team". It would be glorious. And completely insane.

So, the semester began with free weights and the boys, all of which I guess were impressed that I hadn't bailed, were so fun and helpful and it quickly became my favorite class. I was their entertainment, looking like Lucille Ball as I did the lat pull down bar and raised up to change stations, only to have the bar swing and hit me in the back of the head and knock me over into the treadmill. I had issues with every machine and luckily was able to laugh and thy laughed right along, AT me. They would take turns being my personal trainer, teaching me the correct way to hold it, breathe, and position my flabby body. Those 3 days a week turned me into a strong toned mamma with forearms that resembled Popeye. It was grotesquely satisfying. I had made great friendships with these boys and was even invited to some of their keg parties. Since I feared being cheered into doing a keg stand, I never went to any, but was very touched they wanted me there.

The semester final was coming up and I had really learned a lot in the class, even befriending the coach who took pity on my during the timed leg lifts on occasion. I showed up on final day and he took us outside. UH OH. This did not look good. "Run three miles under 24 minutes. GO!" the class took off and there I stood in the dust cloud my boys had left behind. I smiled, patting him on the back and said,,"Whew! They were ready! I will just go inside and do the tread-"
"GO!" He says, pointing to the pack of athletes.
"Seriously?"
He nods his head.
"I am directionally challenged. I don't even know where they are running! I will get lost!" The tears are welling and my blood pressure begins to sky rocket.
"You've got 20 minutes left."
"If I drop from a heart attack, know I will haunt you til you die."

I take off like a shot- okay really I begin to walk- and see the boys turning the corner of the building. I get to the corner and go inside to the cool air-conditioned setting and wait in the comfy chair in the lobby. After 15 minutes, I walk to the other side of the building and go out the side door that is approximately 100 yards from the gym where the Nazi coach awaits. I begin to jog towards the gym, thinking the entire time how I will choke the SOB with his whistle lanyard and stuff his body in the lockers. By the time I make it the 100 yards, I am huffing and puffing like I just ran a marathon and I can feel my face illuminating red. The boys are waiting for me at the door, all sweaty and have their hands on their heads like all good athletes do. I make it up there and they are so impressed they are speechless. I look at my favorite boy, Daniel, and wink and out of the corner of my mouth say, "I have been waiting on y'all in the lobby."
"Were you working out in the lobby?"
"Shut up. No, I ran from there to here."
"Oh"
"I will kick your ass if you tell.'
"Yeah. Ok"
Somehow the threat wasn't effecting him the way I had intended.

So we all passed and I cheated and am alive today to tell you because of it. I am actually considering starting weight training again, which in and of itself is more exercise I have done in 2 years. God help me. Really.


29 comments:

Tiffany said...

HAHA You cheater! I had a mean ass PE coach my freshman year and we had to speed walk a mile in like 6 minutes or something. We couldn't run. He said if we didn't make it he would fail us. Well of course I didn't make it. Did he fail me? NO. He thought I was gonna pass out when i finished so he took pity on me. LOL

Deb said...

We love you even if you're a cheater.

Annie said...

I blew out my knee my senior year in sorority football....I had to take a REHAB class as my PE elective. So I was surrounded by stroke patients and special needs adults. I rocked that class.
I hate working out. Hate it. But, I hate my fat ass a little more, so I do a minimum to help aid in the fleecing of the tush.

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

That was too funny Jill!! I could so picture you sitting there blowing bubble in a nice comfy chair waiting for the right time to make it looked like you had totally just ran it all. YOU CHEATER!!! I love it!

Linda S said...

second time I've commented to a blogger..."cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater!"

Now I'm going to find your facebook and throw poop at you...better figure out your pw...MWAH!!

Deb said...

What!!!!!!!
I don't even know you anymore...

NucMEd is Hot said...

I'd cheat too. And BTW exercise is over rated!!!

Mrs Parks said...

Sometimes, it's ok to cheat...

gingela5 said...

Cheating's so fun! Especially if it makes other people look stupid! And I hate working out but considering none of my clothes fit me anymore I think it's time to start again!

Swirl Girl said...

PE stands for Pain in the Ess.

cheaters do win sometimes, no?

Diane said...

Thank you for my first out loud laugh today! I love this post!!

Julie said...

Sometimes, you just have to cheat. As long as nobody gets hurt, of course. LOL

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

I would refuse ... and plead menopausal psychotic episode when I punched the coach in the face for saying "I figured that"

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Too funny! I would've been right there with you, blowing bubbles and staying in the cool air conditioned lobby!

Hope your birthday was slammin'!

Janie said...

Yum. hope you had a great time with your man.

I think it rocks that you cheated like that and they didn't tell.

Respect is one thing.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. is yet, another.

amelia bedelia said...

Hey, I get out of breath walking from the couch to the refrigerator!

Mamahut said...

I've been lifting weights for 20 something years and it has done me no good. Now if they would make a 20 oz diet pepsi bottle weigh 20 lbs it might make all the difference in the world.

I'm glad you cheated, they made us run around the entire town. The PE teacher could stand in one spot and watch every grueling step you took. I had visions of doing really bad things to him with his whistle.

Pennies In My Pocket said...

Pumkin' Eater! lol

Too funny ... I never cheated....or at least I'll never talk about it. hahaha

Oh and the most exercise I get is working my fingers out on my keyboard as I read and comment on blogs! ha.

~melody~

Kritta22 said...

LOL You so rock!! i love that idea! I'm soo telling my college friends!

J'Ollie Primitives said...

Is it cheating if he didn't catch you?

Ronda's Rants said...

I am not smart enough to even figure out how to cheat...I'd still be standing at the starting line crying...good for you!!!

Insane Mama said...

I love running, I'm addicted. I have to run to keep my sanity

CailinMarie said...

I adore this! and btw it is totally insane to ask a weight lifting class to run as a final. many lifters cannot run. different breathing, different muscles, and no I haven't done either (lifting or running) since college least I sound like I know what I'm talking about. I am just a good bs-er. Which is about as useful in life as being a good cheater.
And I figure you taught the boys a good life lesson - when asked to do something asinine, find a good way around it.
or something like that

Shelley said...

Yeah, I'm with you on the clothes not fitting anymore. I was doing really good. I had lost 45 lbs (I cannot bring myself to tell you what my originial weight was, let's just say two ton tessie's got nothing on me.) Anyhoo, I quit smoking three years ago, YAY for me, and have proceeded to gain the 45 lbs back plus about 50 more as well. I have an exercise bike in my house, I just have to find a way to get motivated to use it.

Farrago said...

I was totally prepared to cheat on the final for "Radio, TV and Society" class. All semester the "professor" (he was a total waste) had thrown list after list after list at us and we had to know them for the final. I crammed and crammed, creating mnemonic devices for all the lists, taking the first letter of each item and making it stand for a word in a made-up sentence (just like ARITHMETIC = A Rat In The House May Eat The Ice Cream).

Finally I had crammed so much into my feeble little brain that I could not cram the last list in. So, in desperation, I wrote the just the first letters in the palm of my left hand. I was cheat-ready!

That question wasn't on the test.

HappyHourSue said...

Where I can I find a gym class of college boys?

Jyl @ MommyGossip said...

I have a very similar story from college. The main difference is my requirement was only one mile and I could have walked it. What does that say about me??? LOL

georgie said...

PE,the Gym and exercise are da DEBBIL! I say get your cheat on!

Oh and when are you goin on a cruise? I still have your gift sittin on my table-I may just keep it till you get in to town...is that ok?

c said...

jill

i am the one who is fucking old

i had almost the same result when i took archery one summer before i practice taught~~

5 weeks

football guys

i think i have a post to do

another time~~~i will send me an email

fu^^ exercise