Sunday, August 10, 2008

Damn the Torpedo

If you haven't already read my sister's post where she told of my embarrassing moment with my family's friend and dentist, which by the way, I really said "hymen"(sorry old dude), then allow me to further humiliate myself by reminiscing on yet another time my mother wanted to crawl under a rock and I gave up life guarding at our country club.

Watching the Olympics and reading Sue's latest post brought the horrific event that scarred me for life back from the recesses of my mind.

I decided I would work as a lifeguard one summer and took all the required courses to become certified. We had a small class of 6, with Marcy, my best friend and I being the only females and the youngest. On the last day of certification, we were required to jump in fully clothed and tread water for an entire 30 minutes.

I woke up that morning with the dreadful realization that I had started my period(sorry again male readers). So I frantically screech thru the bathroom door to my naive mom, "MOM!!! I need some tampons!" Now, let me paint for you the picture of our home life: my mom is 61 and has still has NEVER to this day worn a tampon. Which translates, that at 13, I had never been introduced to the foreign objects and we didn't have any in the house.

She says to me thru the closed door, " I'll go next door and borrow one from Sherri." Now, before you flip out, we lived next door to my aunt and uncle, and Sherri was my cousin who was 5 years older and "worldly", wearing tampons and all.

So, 5 minutes later there was the tap at the bathroom door and the pink and white wrapped "plug" that was going to save the day was handed to me thru the cracked door like a baton in a relay race.
"How do you do this?" I ask my mom. " Just put it in, I guess. Do you want me to help you?"
"OMG, NOOO, mom!"

So I place the pink savior inside me, totally winging it since I had no written instructions or pictures to guide me, and off we go to the country club. It was difficult for me to sit all the way down into my seat during the drive and I said to mom, "These things hurt!"
"Did you push it up far enough?" she asked. She drove like a maniac hitting every bump in the road all the way there. We were late. so, she took the corners fast and if I raised my butt off the seat and held myself up with the door's arm rest and console, it stopped hurting enough that I could actually breathe.

Mom screeches into a space in the parking lot and I fling the door open and run just as fast as I comfortably can to the pool. I arrive to pool and the instructor says, "Jump in, Jill and do a lap to warm up before you put on the clothes."

Everyone had done their lap and were perched on the side of the pool to watch me. I take off my warm up and grimace as I step up onto the diving board, still feeling I needed to shove the tampon a little further up. I glance over to see Marcy and the 3 "older guys" watching my every move.

I began to silently pray, "Please don't let the string be hanging out. Please don't let the string be hanging out." I trot with great pain to the edge of the diving board and do the most beautiful dive I had ever done in my 13 years.

When I hit the water, I completely forget about the agonizing pain I had endured over the past 30 minutes and, as I look up to greet the air, I am revelling in how impressed my audience will be. I hit the surface at an angle so my hair looks really good and anticipate an ovation or my friends holding cards with a big "10" on them.

Instead I see the faces of my friends, my instructor, and my mom all with their eyes open wide and their mouths wide open. Man, I thought, I did even better than I imagined.

Slowly Marcy raises her hand and points at the water. I look over and see a pink object floating, slowly rising and falling with each wave.

My heart stops and I lunge to grab it before anyone "notices". When I get it in my hand I notice the shell of my tampon, empty and odd looking. Still not knowing exactly what had happened, I swim up to Marcy who says in a whisper, "Man, that thing shot out of you like a torpedo!" My mom is there right over me in 2.4 seconds and is saying,"OMG, did you NOT take off the applicator? OMG, I need to take you to the gynecologist! OMG, will you ever be able to have my grandchildren?! OMG!OMG!OMG!"

Needless to say, becoming a lifeguard suddenly became very unimportant and I shot out of the pool and ran to my mom's car. As I was running, visions of fingers pointing and reels of laughter rang thru my head. Then I suddenly stopped.

Hmmmm.... these tampon things were pretty damn cool and didn't hurt a bit!

19 comments:

Ronda's Rants said...

OMG...I remember the first time I used one and it wasn't "in" correctly...I was 13 and had to walk home from the bus stop...that was the longest walk in my life...I remember thinking if a tampon hurt this bad...sex must be awful. Finally I figured out both...You are too funny!

Deb said...

oh the embarassing things we thought we would never get past. although, that one is pretty bad (lol).

jill jill bo bill said...

Hey, notice I changed the title. I'm much funnier when I get a little sleep.

georgie said...

OMFGosh that is Hysterical-I am sorry everyone in my house is looking at me like i am crazy right now...I can't stop laughing

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

its okay---71yo here, your not sayhing anything I havn't heard before----but you DO understand why I can never introduce ya to my Mother right?

jill jill bo bill said...

Now THAT is some funny shi-i mean-stuff. Is it my language or my topics- or maybe both? I really need to know...

Brenda said...

That is so freakin' funny! The whole story I was waiting to read that you jumped in and created a red circle around you - the torpedo is way better!

amelia bedelia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Insane Mama said...

I had to explain to our foreign exchange student from Germany how to insert a tampon. She didn't speak much English, me very little German. IT was very animated in the public restroom.

amelia bedelia said...

yes, that was me that says "comment deleted by author", hubby just told me "you're gross, and you're telling people that??!!" ok, fiiiiiinnnnne.

So here is my new comment: "golly gee whiz, jill, you make me laugh with your silly antics!". (there hubby, is that better?!!!"

jill jill bo bill said...

It takes both of us to monitor you, ya know.

Kritta22 said...

Oh I wanna know what Amelia said now! Curiosity killed the cat!

Why are you telling us all your embarrassing stories? Shouldn't your sisters be doing that for you?

I'm so glad you figured it out, in the end. Did you get a nickname out of the whole thing? How about lifeguarding?? LOL
You are too funny

Pleasing Procrasinator said...

This is hilarious!! I too was waiting to read there was a trail of pink following you.
I was a cheerleader and had to cheer through a whole game with one improperly inserted because my friend didn't have pads and I had a crash course in tampon insertion.

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

Ummm. Well. You certainly didn't embellish that one! We had a great time at dinner.

kwr221 said...

Oh, I'm sorry, don't hate me, but I was laughing our loud.

Really hard.

What a visual.

Oh, teen-aged angst. Soo glad that's over. The angst, that is. The other's not over yet.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

OMG OMG OMG That was so funny. I am so glad you posted that one on the Nirvana.

debbie said...

Now this is how a story should be told! You are a riot.

Danielle said...

ok...now I seriously can't quit laughing!

texasholly said...

Jill...OMG.

I am sitting in the middle of "Going Bonkers" laughing myself silly.

That is seriously funny and I love how the last link is a silly story about you. Kinda sets up this joke even better.

AWESOME.

Thanks so much for linking!