Friday, August 29, 2008

My Weekly B&M

I am starting a new tradition.

Every Friday or Saturday I will be posting my weekly Bitch and Moan post, sharing something that happened to me during that week that I have a gripe about .

You are cordially invited to join in and do the same on your blog or mine.

It will be called MY WEEKLY B&M. Not to be confused with a weekly BM, which would be rather uncomfortable.

This week's B&M:

To the woman who still "hovers" over the toilet in the public restroom,

I realize that you don't want to sit on the public toilet. I also realize that your mother probably has ingrained that position into your little germ-fearing brain. But please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WIPE YOUR DRIBBLES!!!

I could be cute and clever and say something like "Be a sweetie and wipe the seatie", but LADY, come on. Unless you eat with your ass, what exactly are you scared of contracting?! And maybe someone does eat there, but I would hope you would shower with antibacterial soap for their benefit before they do just that.

For those of us that are too lazy, too fat for our trembling legs to balance our heavy trunk full of junk over the water hole, have to pee too badly to hover because the force will be too great on emission, or a combination of all of those, we have an announcement:

NO AMOUNT OF TOILET PAPER CAN BE USED TO CLEAN UP YOUR TOO-GOOD-TO-SIT-DOWN PEE DROPS. I hope you know you probably kill at least one tree, every time you hover, because if I follow you, at least half that roll will be used to clean your mess up, before I sit my ass down. Stepping in your sprinkles as they pool at the front of the commode is bad enough.

I understand you don't want to someone else's ass germ, but really, don't we all have something covering our hump, our hump, our lovely lady lumps, before we go into the bathroom? And even then, they make the special toilet seat covers and the ever famous, just F'n put some toilet paper on the F'n seat trick.

Now, unless you are mis-shapen, your 'pretty' is surrounded by mounds of flesh, albeit some of us moundier than others, and hopefully doesn't come in contact with the seat itself. The ass germs of the previous sitter, I can promise you, will not crawl into your great divide and give you syphilis. Really.

And I have had small kids that dribbled going onto and off of the potty, but I ALWAYS wiped up their mess. But you can bet your sweet bippy, I am not taking the chance that the dribbles I will sit in might be cute little Emma's.

So, please, turn around after you orbit over the disgusting white throne that in reality just saved you from pissing all in your new Vera Wang trousers, and wipe up your mess.

And do not flush anything except toilet paper!
Thank you,
the Management


34 comments:

georgie said...

For the Love of God and all thangs Holy-TY Jill for this post and I personally think it should be copy-writed and posted in every public restroom out there!
and I was completely lmao at "lovely lady lumps"!

Swirl Girl said...

I wish we could post this on every ladies room bathroom nationwide.

Public restrooms are just gross.
I would rather pee in the men's room than the ladies room anyday.

Women are pigs in communal settings.

amelia bedelia said...

oh.my.lord.jill!! im crackin up.

ok, i thought that song "lovely lady humps" she was talking about her boobs ???
hummm. learned sumpin new.

jill jill bo bill said...

welllll, it probably is, but my ass is much bigger than my boobs. And it's lumpy. It was writer's perogative...

Ronda's Rants said...

I think it includes all of our lady lumps...I could not agree with you more! Seriously, they are concerned what their butt is sitting on but the commode handle and the door handle have more germs on it!
Sorry, guys bathrooms are gross, too! After all most guys have really bad aim or there ia a lot of wind movement in there!!

Tenakim said...

amen! I never did get it- frankly, my "lady part' doesn't touch any part of the toilet- my upper thighs and butt maybe- I'm not aware of any venereal or viral diseases being spread from skin on thighs!

Tiffany said...

LMAO My poor little legs can't hold the weight even if i wanted to. And who in the hell pees on the floor in front? Is your aim that freakin bad that you can't piss in the giant hole? And I replied in my comments to you and your son. Thanks for the support.

Kritta22 said...

You are so stinking funny!!
I have the same feelings!! Seriously who else is gonna be wiping it! You did, you clean it! Come on, people!

HappyHourSue said...

Really! Men are always joking about how "civilized" the ladies room is - NOT SO MUCH. How many times have you gone to a large ladies room and stall after stall you're like No.....no....no.....no.......ok, here's one.

JenniBeanV said...

I hate finding pee on the seat!

Hate. It.

People are gross, aren't they? Bah.

Thank you so much for commenting on my blog today! :-D

Leslie said...

I sincerely agree.

careysue said...

I.totally.agree.

pee on the seat is disgusting and it always I say always surprises me when I sit on it. yuck.

I love this new weekly B&M!

TentCamper said...

WELL-FUCKING-SAID!!!!!!
I am a guy, but I hate it when I go into a restroom and the toilets hae piss all over the seats. WE HAVE F'ING URINALS! It is the shy little sissies that need to tinkle in the toilet instead of standing at the urinals like the rest of us.
God you got my blood boiling just now!!!!!

iMommy said...

high-larious my friend!

I think perhaps you should have also warned that you might put a cap in her ass. Oh, and that your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and damn right, it's better than hers.

:-)

Insane Mama said...

Whoa...remind me not to houver before you. I am the most respectful houverer you will ever meet. I wipe ever drop of pee and if it get on the floar I simply lock the stall and crawl out so no one else can get in. Well, if Im drunk I may not wipe my dribble because when I drink I tend to not care and SIT.

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

AMEN SISTA!!

Ugh....I can't stand that either. Well I know a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend that got crabs from a public toilet seat.Bwahahahaha Seriously we need a big sign in womens restrooms that shows a woman hovering with a big circle and slash through it. NO HOVERING

Kritta22 said...

ps thanks for helping a sister out!

Deb said...

You are so right on! After just having been on a trip and using many toilets like you described, I agree!!!

P.S. If you ever want to do a post about your other "bm"s, that would be pretty funny. I'll do it if you do it.

Missed reading you while I was gone!

Brittany said...

I am so writing this on the bathroom stall!

Deb said...

all of a sudden now your so damn popular that I'm #20 in the messages...I may have to find someone a little less popular so I can be the first commenter.

I have never understood not sitting on the seat wither, but I am SOOOO not germaphobic. I will say that if the bathroom just generally looks nasty I wolnt use it, but otherwise I cant imagine not sitting directly on the toilet.

Sorry I have nothing clever to say today - I woke up with just one nerve left and the hubby is JUMPING ALL OVER IT!

Jyl said...

I am with Georgie on this one. COPYRIGHT it and send it out to the masses.

I went into a public bathroom last night and there was pee all over the floor. Didn't see it until after I sat down and put one shoe in a tiny part of it. EEEWWWWW! It wasn't mine of course. But, seriously... who walks away from a mess like that? Did she do the air chair thingie and miss or was it her daughter that isn't quite potty trained yet? Again, EEEWWWWW! I can understand if we are in, say, Thailand, and all you have is a hole in the floor (I have never understood those.) but seriously, it isn't rocket science.

Lisa said...

LMAO. I saw B&M and immediately thought Bowel Movement. LMAO. I guess I worked too much today..... Love that post though. Every needs a BM! or B&M I mean. Great blog.

Elaine A. said...

I effin hate this.

Now don't you feel better? I may have to join the B&M session sometime too.

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

Get the Clorox Wipes in the travel size at Target. You will never feel bad about public pee again. OR, you could steal your toddler's plastic Dora covers and use one...not that I do that :)

watchyourpooper said...

By the way that story was a loooong time ago... i havent thrown my key (or drank and drove since then :-/...)

But any who, I have some crazy dreams that I will be posting soon. I have been dreaming so vividly lately. It's pretty cool. The dreams are weird but so am I.


See you in a little while...

RTK

Hank E. Pankie said...

Man, women sure do make things complicated. I'm glad I was given the privilege of being able to stand up and pee!! HUR HUR!!!

Hank E. Pankie said...

P.S.- Can you pay my cell phone bill? It's been cut off!

dana wyzard said...

How about this gripe:

FLUSH THE DAMN TOILET!!

If I can flush what YOU did, why can't YOU?

amelia bedelia said...

yeah, sister, can you pay my cell phone bill, too!

and what's with all these comments...i am #29! you b popular!

Rick said...

Funny - not a post I can identify with, but I have my own toilet pet peeves...

http://organizeddoodles.blogspot.com/2007/10/family-practice-lid-up-1.html

NucMEd is Hot said...

I think these very thoughts every time I go to a public restroom and have to wonder if any pee actually got INTO the toilet!!!

American in Norway said...

OMG... so funny! & I will totally be hanging around to bitch & moan!

RBK's Realm said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
just a girl... said...

And you are from Texas and you started the same month I did. Can you say Stalker