Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Pull My Hair and Call Me Stupid

After the discovery of the Pokemon porn, which I thought I handled rather calmly, I began to wonder if it was time to have "THE" talk with my twelve year old son. I have never talked with my boys about "that". That was always their dad's job. I handled the discussion with my girls, only I didn't use a chart and a pointer stick like my mom did.

My decision that it was time for the birds and bees to be taught was cemented when I found a DVD under the dresser of his room when I was cleaning. Not just A DVD, but a-"Pull my Hair and Call Me Stupid"-with-a- half-naked-bimbo-sticking-her-ass-out-so-boys-will-fantasize-about-her DVD. And I am dead serious-that was the name of the porno, "Pull My Hair and Call Me Stupid".

Apparently my innocent child had opened the boxes his Older Worldly Brother had packed up and left when he went to college, found it, and was only going to watch it because it said both "pull my hair" AND "stupid", two words that he could relate to. I know that has to be reason he wanted to view it. I just know it!

But when I told Said Worldly Brother I found his porn, he swore it wasn't his, adding that he wouldn't watch any porn that combined comedy and action. He was only interested in the action part. I nervously laughed that "heh heh" laugh and prayed he was just trying to make my blood pressure shoot up and cause my head to blow off my shoulders. And then he blamed it on his weasel-y friend that I despise. "It's probably his". Okay, it was that creepy friend's porn. I knew it! Even my Worldly Boy wouldn't watch such filth!

So, because it was Wednesday and the kids were at their dad's and the house was empty and Rickiepoo was on his way home and I was feeling rather friskey, I decide to text my man to let him in on what awaited him once he stepped thru the door. I envisioned Him opening the door and me standing 35 lbs thinner with toned arms and legs and bigger boobs and a flat stomach, leaning provacatively against the bedroom door, motioning him forward with a slow movement of my pointer finger while wearing my black negligee and my 4 inch fuck me shoes with fur trim. So I text him "Pull my hair and call me stupid". There. That should make him hot and bothered.

Nothing. For ten minutes I wait. 'He is a very busy man' I think. He must not be able to text me. He must be closing a big deal. So I text him again. "Put the pedal to the metal. I am horney." There. That will surely make him call me. I can picture him now, in his big manly truck laughing and getting turned on by my mysterious texts. He will come thru the door and throw me on the bed (okay, I climb on the bed. He has a bad back and I'm a fat ass and all) and make passionate love to me for hours. Loudly.

Nothing. For ten more minutes. Dammit! Now I have to call him and I am so much sluttier in words. Not so much in person. I can never stay serious. But I am a good actress and I will fake my way thru it. And I will tell him to "Be ready because I am going to jump your bones" in my porno voice with the music and all in the background and he will be so turned on. So I dial his number.

Voicemail. Shit! He never listens to his voicemail. That's it! The mood has passed. I am going to be in the house all alone with no kids and a porn and no hunk of man. Just my luck. So I pour myself a stiff drink of diet coke and sit down to watch HGTV. Then the door opens and I can hear him coming down the hallway.

"Did you get your texts?'
"No. Did you want to go eat somewhere?" (yep, I could have been offended by that ...)
"No. I, uh, I was thinkin'... we have the house all to ourselves,"
"Uh huh"
He pulls me close and kisses me like we were dating, not married, with his sexy blue eyes and his even sexier bald head and says,
"Pull my hair and call me stupid".

God, I love this man.

And I am having "THE" talk with Cooper this week.


Hank E. Pankie said...

Now, I know that sex within a marriage is a beautiful thing...but not for my MOTHER! SICK! Do NOT text me and tell me to read if it's about your sex life. PLEASE! Lol...

The first part was hilarious though...and it's still NOT my porno. Come on, even I have more substance than something like that! Maybe Spider Bob!

jill jill bo bill said...

heh heh heh. Did I text you?! heh heh heh... My Bad!

Swirl Girl said...

Too funny! Does your hair still hurt?

Kritta22 said...

You guys are so bad!
I'm just going to go back to my sheltered little life in Waggoner world. "Earmuffs!"

Ronda's Rants said...

You Hubby sounds like a keeper!
I would think texting you son, to read this post, would be one way to get even for leaving Porn for his younger brother! I am sure he is innocent...he looks so innocent! :)

Deb said...

Go on girl! Although, if my husband were to ever pull my hair, I would probably smack him, and call him stupid, plus about 1000 other names. :)


amelia bedelia said...

I'm with Trevor, Sister!!! I really don't want to hear about your sex life. ick! (although, the story was hysterical!)

Deb said...

OK! *yanking your hair* STUPID

That was just in response to the title (and boy was it fun). I haven't even read the post yet. brb.

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

I have to laugh that you let your poor son read this. Then, I'm wondering: do you REALLY have inch fuck me shoes with fur trim?? Cause, where can I get me some of those?

jill jill bo bill said...

Okay really no hair pulling or name calling was done.
and AFF- what size do you wear? I might can hook you up!!

Burgh Baby said...

AnglophileFF told me I had to come over here. I'm not sure if it was because I needed to read about "hair pulling" or because you are freakin' hysterical, but let's go with hysterical, mmkay?

Deb said...

oh my father JillJillBoBill, you are a funny one. I can realte to the porno finds though. My boys had (have) what we'll call healthy sexual appetites (heh). when i found the porn, i laid some condoms on top of his tv and just left it at that. guess since he knocked up some girl that may not have been the way to go though, live and learn (lol).

The Mom said...

this is hilarious! the comment from the older son at top, the "i'm so much sluttier in words" and a very good ending! I hope! ;)

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

This was totally hilarious and that you texted your son and told him to read it it the best part lmao :o)

HappyHourSue said...

OMG was that really your son in the first comment? HILARIOUS. "Sick!"

What a great post.

Leslie said...

Lol! Awesome post. Me loves the porn. I'll have to check out Pull My Hair and Call Me Stupid. Lol!

Ann said...

Not THIS is a great post.
And to read your son's comment just put this over-the-top!
(Um, uh, what's the name of that video again?)

georgie said...

Hey Jill Jill Bo Bill at least he didnt have debbie Does dallas OR Jill did jack BEFORE he broke his crown porn videos!

OMG have you NO Shame? LMAO texting your son...your really tryin for that star on the pornowood walk of shame aren't ya?


middle bean has 411 virus's from ummmmm not rated G sites-his laptop will sit at the shop as far as i am concerned! pffft

Janie said...

That is hilarious!

So, did he?

Janie said...

I meant "did he pull your hair and call you stupid."

I guess I'm stupid. Didn't read all the way down the comments.

Too funny, Hank's comments!!

Send the Cooper my way, you said you would, I need a dogsitter and I have the Wii sitting here being bored. Probably going to turn me into the Wii Abuse Board or something.

jill jill bo bill said...

Janie- he is so on his way. And while he's there, can you talk with him about sex? Thanks!

NucMEd is Hot said...

I'm jealous and I feel so bad for you, at the exact same time. Good luck with that talk!