The Rest of the Story

Okay, let's review:

I have told you about Amelia Bedelia and the Glamour Shot Episode, how she farts when she laughs, how she skipped at our grandmother's funeral, how she ran over her luggage, and she in return has scoured the recesses of her mind to come up with all 8 of the stupid things I have done, writing FOUR in one post alone.

So just to finish off this silly "one up" game, I will call a truce...after I even the score. Here is my eulogy to her, 'cause she's gonna diiiiie!!!

1. Once after Amy had her first gyno exam, she, being the fashion guru of Borger High, wearing pantie hose and no shoes, starts down the carpeted stairs and slips and with one leg in front and one in the back, descends the stairs on her newly examined area bouncing hard on every rung bam,bam,bam and hits the floor with a thud. Then cries when we laugh.

2. We always had dinner as a family. Always. And one night with steak and potatoes and all the good food, Amy is carnivorously attacking the steak and gets choked. She grabs our arms, we look at her with wide eyed amazement and she reaches down her own throat and pulls out a four inch long hunk of meat. No one at the table moves and my Daddy says, "Good God, it's a whole side of beef. You might try chewing that up first." She would have cried then if she hadn't been so drained from no air.

3. One night, while trying to maintain her savage tan all us redheads are notorious for, she leaves our heat lamp on while she is tanning her stomach and falls fast asleep, only to be awakened by a dream that she was in an oven and someone was cooking her on a 9x13 cookie sheet. Her flat tummy was burned beyond recognition, which made it very difficult for her to pour herself into her skin tight Gloria's and attend the Stinnett Rodeo, let alone don the giant belt buckle she wore. She had to suck in all night and had stomach cramps for days. I'm sure she cried about that, too.

4. Speaking of rodeos, Amy was not a fighter. But she had this one girl, Helen Crawford, who wanted to kick her ass. She had no idea why, but passing in the hallway, Helen would say thru gritted teeth, "Today I'm kickin' your ass." So Amy would run home and put her boots on because she always felt much tougher in her boots. And apparently it worked because no fight was ever recorded. Those jeans were so tight she had to put the tops of the boots in first, before she put her legs in the jeans. But they were damn hot.

5. One day she couldn't get her car to start after work. Try as she may, it wouldn't turn over. So she calls Daddy and tells him her battery is dead. He goes by the local Ted Lokey's and picks up a brand new battery and comes to help. He pops her hood takes the old battery out that looks surprisingly new as well, and has her turn the key, Nothing. So as he is trying to jiggle the wires, she drops her lipgloss and when she reaches down to get it, noticed that the gear stick is on the "D" for drive. So while her heart is stopped, she slowly and quietly, because Daddy might be a little miffed if he knew, slides it into "P" and THEN tries the key again. Amazingly it starts right up!!! She yells out of her window, "Thanks daddy, You're my hero!" and quickly drives away while poor Daddy loads up the perfectly good battery for disposal. She didn't tell him until last year what really happened, and between me and you, that was probably the precursor for his heart attack.

Amy was the the most fun in the world to grow up with and we laughed until we cried and wet our pants. I remember when we were little, all four of us would draw an upside down eyes and nose on our chins, put a shirt upside down on our head and hang over the bed and have conversations with each other. We did it when we were grown thinking it would entertain our husbands, but they only stood in the doorway and faked smiled and said to one another, "They're weird". None of us are married to them anymore. Really.

I will miss my dear sister. She always laughed at me when no one else would. I know she is looking down from heaven now, giggling and tooting. I love you, sister!!!

Okay, we are even. No more. Be a big girl now. And no lies!